All Over the Place

Well, it has been a whirlwind…

All of my ideas, and visions for the future swirling around and altering themselves in seconds. I suppose that’s just how life goes, especially when you have so many interests, ideas, and missions. It’s interesting to feel so motivated in so many different areas of life. Maybe, just maybe, that’s why I always quit too soon. I have an issue where once I get an idea, it becomes a montage of dozens, all with equal importance in my mind.

Taking things one step at a time is difficult when everything seems so dire, and interesting. I know I talk about my own thought processes often, but I find that it’s easier to hold onto my motivation when I do. I know that I have things to do, sometimes I just allow myself to forget. Writing this down, and occasionally looking back on it helps keep my shit together, to be perfectly honest. I can’t help but plead with you, plead with myself too, in order to keep holding myself accountable.

I often wonder if anyone is really listening, or if anyone really cares. I always come back though, to the idea that I have no reason to question that, I am fulfilling something for myself, and that’s okay too. I feel as though, society pushes people away from themselves. Everything that society is, a conglomerate of individuals if you will. When people are pushed together, sometimes it’s difficult for them to remain separate entities, they may remain in title themselves but, in everything else they are an ant to a colony, a bee to a hive, all serving a queen. It’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?

From what I’ve noticed, most of the people blogging, and/or creating, are holding onto their individualism more than most. Maybe, just maybe, we are the people clinging onto ourselves, and saying screw you to those who judge us for it. This is why I continue to create, clinging onto the idea that we are all trying to stay, and be, very much ourselves.

Monopolies, Conglomerates, and Capitalism

As I’ve been thinking about new video content I could upload, an idea popped up about educational videos. Videos about specific areas of huge companies, bringing in billions a year, and how it can affect our lives.

It’s something I’ve always questioned, and had an interest in, but I have never taken the time to learn about it. Last night, I went into research about the top 7 US companies, their revenue, employment rates, and what they are. I was interested to find that 6th is Berkshire Hathaway, run by Warren Buffett. Even more interesting was that 7th is, United Health Group bringing in 242,155,000 in 2020 so far.

This morning, as soon as I checked my phone, an article popped up about the US government starting a lawsuit against Google through antitrust laws. The government is claiming that multiple US tech corporations are holding a monopoly over their respective industries. This makes innovation and competition nearly impossible, and I’m excited to see where all this goes, even though it could take over a decade to come to a close.

Anyway, as far as video content goes, there are endless possibilities surrounding faulty/shady business practices… I wonder if people would find it interesting to hear about some of the information that is available surrounding this. It’s a lot different from anything I had planned for content, but honestly I think it’s important to have access to this kind of information, and even more important that I educate myself on some of these things. I have always been opposed to giant corporations, but I would never any factual basis on why, it’s always just been a feeling. A feeling that these corporations don’t have the individuals working under them at heart, and they certainly don’t want competition, or innovation, if they aren’t the ones headlining it.

So what do you guys think? I know it would be drastically different from what I normally talk about, and it is pretty overwhelming because there is so much to sift through but it may be a new project, that I can really put my mind to. Always keeping myself busy it seems.

Punching Anxiety in the Balls

I decided to make a video! This is the first in (hopefully many more)…. I really want to keep creating new content and developing myself, and my place in this digital world. So even though I’m sure it won’t be easy, and I’m already immensely unsure of myself, I’m finding ways to keep going regardless. If you happen to watch this short paint with me video, I’d love to hear what you think, any ideas for new videos, and of course any tips or tricks on how to improve. Thanks for sticking around for all of my crazy ramblings, and for listening… It means more than you know.

Sticker Test: Take 1

I have been a busy bee, working on designs, development, ideas, art. Like I said in a previous post, my mind is moving a million miles an hour and I found that working on a little bit of each thing throughout the day, has worked to keep me sane so far. I have a few line art designs that I thought I could make into stickers yesterday, and the product of that endeavor will be below.

I’ve had a lot of fun so far, just seeing where my designs can go, what they can become and the potential applications that they may have. I think it’s important to develop ideas, and if art is a passion, pursue it with all you’ve got. I’m still very much in the beginner stages things, but there is only ever room for improvement. The next step for me is deciding if I can develop some colored designs without any digital software. Anyway, I digress, there’s my mind going again… Here are the stickers I’ve put all over my laptop. (Ignore how dirty, and paint covered, my laptop is hahaha)

The Start of Something New

After a lot of contemplation, I decided to splurge and buy myself some things, things that I can use to focus on art. I’ve been working on creating some designs for stickers, painting some new acrylic pieces, and overall just developing my art style. It’s been a lot of fun, and a bit overwhelming learning how to do all this. I hope someday to be able to launch an online business of sorts, my mind is moving a million miles an hour with a bunch of ideas, organizing them has been a challenge so far.

Below I will show some of my designs, stay tuned for some photos of my applications for them, I’ve been going a little sticker crazy, so there will be plenty of content to upload in the next couple weeks. I hope you’ll stick around (pun intended).

Anti-Columbus?

So Columbus Day has come and gone but I am wondering if there’s a common consensus. Does everyone know what Columbus actually did? Does everyone know how detrimental he was to whole population? How he raped, pillaged, enslaved, and murdered… To me that isn’t someone to celebrate.

The whole history of the United States is skewed and the truth is only recently coming into the light, as the books we read in public school are so biased. All written by a rich white man, who was in the position of power, following a line of oppression, and willing to exploit humans to help themselves.

Adolph Hitler himself stated that some of his inspiration for genocide came from the United States. A fascist, who killed millions, said he gained inspiration from explorers coming to an inhabited land, and ripping it away from those who had settled on it. It truly is disgusting to me that we continue to ignore what it is that we have done. Maybe not us specifically, but as a ‘culture’ we celebrate someone who destroyed an indiscriminate amount of lives.

It isn’t just about Columbus, it’s about the American perspective, it’s about our lack of knowledge, and understanding. It’s about the wrongful information we receive, in order to better fit the narrative. We are fooled into thinking our country is great. When in fact, our country could be great, we could be compassionate, empathetic, and helpful to others. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s something we can do until we acknowledge our past for what it truly is.

There is, of course, room for human error, as those in the past are just as human as we are now, and we all make mistakes. Mass murder is not something to be taken lightly. That isn’t a simple lapse in judgement. Columbus set out, commissioned by Spain to find gold. To make money, and when he found ‘savages’ (which is just ridiculous, as they had more knowledge in many areas, and had created a predominately peaceful way of life), he decided to exploit them for all they were worth, putting them in chains, forcing them to change their beliefs. Destroying not only the people themselves, but their culture as well.

How do you feel about 1492?

Echo by Woodsy the Performance Poet

John is able to elicit emotion through words more eloquently than anyone I’ve ever known. I’ve found his words sometimes haunting, sometimes consoling, hopeful, and dark. The contradiction shadowed only by the truth of it. There are moments of triumph, moments of defeat, and most importantly millions of little moments in between, that can only be captured by a true poet. Someone who feels completely, and knows that words can become a gateway to human connection.

I thought I would share here, one of his pieces, accompanied by a few of my own works, I hope you’ll consider reading some of his other beautiful poems at https://woodsydotblog.wordpress.com

I saw your face this morning –

something I needed,

outside of it all.


I reached out,

years too late to feel your skin,

and felt the echoes of your spirit.


These days,

it is the shadows

and empty spaces

that push me forward –

not quite

a ride or a dance or a dream…

just the last little ticks of nightmare…


falling away.


But here you are,

nestled in blue…


in the surf and the sky

and the morning…

and all of those things I can’t do.

 
Here you are,

filling

this crater of heartbeats

with the echo of yesterday’s screams:


“I’m getting better!”


The one damn thing you needed.

The one thing I did, too.


So did the world that forgot you were there…


showing it something,

everywhere.  


Sometimes, I’m lost here,

just like you,

slicing the world

with a hot steel blade:


“I’m getting better!”


(from this, from them, from you)


Trying

to shove a kinder,

less merciless truth

into indifferent ears:


“I’m getting better!”


(from this, from them, from stuff you say… stuff you do)


The only scream

I have left –

and sometimes,

the only scream nobody hears anymore.


A ghost scream,

throwing out my numbers and my codes,


filling

the crater of my heart

with precious bursts of echo,


like that smile:


always the gentlest

of explosions,

your smiles.


Starbursts

in the bear pit…

tiny factories of bonfire,

sat on the edge by darkness

and

blossoming

somewhere between…


I saw you sadder than before.

You saw me deeper in there too.


You hold some part of me

that’s still far better in your hands,

haunting

all those happy endings

that came scavenging

in your wake.


The truth is,

I’m more at home in darkness now,

whittling your echoes into kindling

and lighting our bonfires

with their own kind of peace…


riding out your faces and your loves


and showing the world

and the lights out of town


just what they say about me.

Painting: Works in Progress

Even though I have been utterly overwhelmed, and sometimes overtaken by anxiety, I’ve made it a mission to keep pursuing art. Pushing myself to pass the boundaries of my comfort zone and create. I’ve been dealing with pesky thoughts about my work not being perfect, or even halfway decent at times. However, I want to keep working at it, keeping bringing ideas/sketches to life, and try to enjoy the learning process.

I’ve also been considering making more video content as well. I bought a camera years ago with the intention of making videos, and have yet to try, for fear of judgement. It seems to be the thing holding us all back, doesn’t it? Fear is a bitch I suppose. It’s unfortunate that a lot of the time people like to prove fear right, rather than take control. I will confirm, I am very guilty of letting anxiety get the best of me, letting doubt be my friend, it’s something I’m trying to work on.

Some days are better than others, and I still have a lot of ideas I want to pursue, the commitment floats around my head, waiting to be picked up and taken seriously. Soon.

Pursuing Freedom in a Capital Driven World

Frustration, Confusion, Depletion.

These are words I feel I throw around a lot. They all pertain to life as an individual terrified of falling prey to a broken system.

The truth is, I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t know how to achieve, live, travel, laugh, scream. I consistently feel trapped, but unaware of what it takes to break free. I don’t know why I fall into this constant loop of thought. I don’t know why I can’t accept a 9-5 fate, I can’t accept 1/3 of my life spent at a desk, or behind a counter, or in a professional kitchen. I absolutely can not accept the depletion of thought, and the misery that accompanies such a life.

Now, this is all personal to me, it’s who I am, how I feel, I know some people truly love their jobs, and there really is nothing wrong with that. I am personally losing areas to search, places I would be able to both feed myself, and be happy. It’s utterly depressing to think about, and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I’m here, I’m searching, I’m longing. I’m longing for a life, one that I can enjoy, one I don’t spend day in and day out saving up, just to be trapped all over again. Right now, I own my OWN time, but what happens when funds run dry? I tremble thinking about returning to the dark place that full-time work brings me, I mourn my creativity, my motivation, my love. I have flashbacks to weeks/months/years spent in tears, to social anxiety swallowing me whole, to feeling so small that I just might disappear. Even worse, hoping to disappear, wishing for less of myself, rather than more.

I’m scared, and I have no answers, I am basically one big question mark…. I’m still searching, and I’m trying my damnedest not to give up.

Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole.

Why Not Be You?

Dreams that Sting

I woke up abruptly today, after being stung in the chest, by a very large wasp.

It was a dream of course, but as I was trying to pull this wasp out of my skin… I felt panic. I don’t know how many people out there have dreams that really just elicit serious emotion, but this one for some reason continues to stay fresh in my mind.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a bee tattoo, because I LOVE bees. I know wasps aren’t the same, but honestly, I’ve never really had any qualms with them either. That said, it was just strange to have such an aggressive sign push its’ way into my subconscious.

Now, after waking from this dream I decided to use the interweb to find out what it may signify. What it said was, that it is a symbol of evil, hatred, or anger coming into your life. So, that’s terrifying. I’m choosing to believe the more optimistic sign that it could be, and that is, telling you to pursue your dreams. Pursue the thing that scares you, because if you don’t start you can never see where it goes. While this is something I’ve been talking about in previous posts, I’ll reiterate that I am currently unemployed, I have dreams to pursue my own business, rather than go back to the restaurant industry. The problem is, I have anxiety, I have doubts about myself, and my value.

I’m sure many of you may feel similarly, but it’s just such a shitty feeling. It’s shitty to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, with your own mind, etc. I want to truly embrace everything that I am, without the fear of others judgement, or disapproval. I want to pursue art, and passion, and love of life. In today’s society that’s such a difficult concept, it feels as though everything is pushing away from the individual, and leading to a conglomerate of money, power, and greed. That may be how it has always been, human nature is a bitch after all, but I want to push humbly forward, meeting myself somewhere, where I can be helpful, successful, and proud.

There’s my rant for today, my talk about mental health issues, about scary dreams, and about life. Thanks for reading.