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Whisper Sweet Nothings

Let me know how you feel.

Reality is fleeting

And I just need to know how to heal.

PS. Sorry for being MIA, it really is that time of year. I dyed my hair red, went into hibernation, and have yet to find a way to drag myself out. If anyone has any tips or pointers on staying happy in the freezing cold, I could really use any advice. Thanks for stopping by.

Dear Veterans

War is a terrible thing,

War is carnage and destruction.

You brave soldier have dedicated your life to a pursuit of freedom and for that I am grateful. You have made yourself a target and proudly honored your flag. What a disturbance it is to see that you aren’t taken care of after your valiance.

I have members of my family who have served, and it has been engrained in me to respect and appreciate those who are willing to do so.

However, I do not have to respect and appreciate a government that has so often cast loyal veterans aside. A government that doesn’t invest enough into soldiers acclimation back into a civil society, and a government that documents a soldiers worth off of how long they serve, or how tough they are both mentally and physically. Strength comes from those willing to accept and work on their weaknesses, the military does a great job of hardening individuals, making them more machine than human being.

Like I said, I have family members who have served, and my uncle passed this year, not from Covid or from war. I believe it was a slow degradation of the mind and spirit post-service. It lead to health issues that may have been too difficult for him to handle. The truth is I don’t know for sure how it happened, or when it started. We had always been incredibly close even though we didn’t talk as much in the past 8 years or so… We had a bond that I didn’t think needed confirmation, but I still wish he would’ve called more, I wish I would’ve called more. I wish I managed to take more trips to see him. It was always in the plan, I was going to take a road trip across the US and I would stay in Texas with him for a month or so, just to catch up, have fun, and talk for the first time as adults. I would get some advice about life, and I would listen to anything he wanted to get off of his chest. We would rekindle our friendship and drink a bunch of beer, take a few shots of whiskey. I’d leave with the promise of coming back to visit soon.

34 years was not long enough, and I wish he would’ve been better taken care of because even though he loved and respected the military, it doesn’t seem that that feeling was reciprocated. In that way, the cost was a life, it was quality of life for years, and now it’s the absence of one. And quite frankly that makes me angry.

It also makes me angry that my grandfather served in Vietnam, he went through absolute and total hell, and left with two Purple Hearts. The answer through all of the physical ailments and PTSD was opiates, and is to this day. Therapy doesn’t work as it is in the VA, trauma takes patience and years of diligence, yet once you’re done serving the operative is to get them out of your hair.

So yes, I respect, appreciate, and love the veterans of my country but, will we start taking care of them as they deserve to be taken care of?

Immediate Needs

Things should be clean,

But unseen

Construction of a military sheen

Whether it’s right or wrong

we have needs

Our questions must be answered

is truth important

or is comfort more so

Hold our hand

Tell us it’s going to be alright

Your control lingers nearly out of sight

barricading us from our own fright

You know what’s best

and we just won’t understand

there’s no need to test

because the ego of the few outlives the rest.

Changing Seasons

The change from fall to winter always hits me pretty hard. With this year being an election year, it becomes even more draining. Tensions are so high, everything is uncertain, and it’s freezing outside.

I’ve had too many thoughts going through my head, and they get so overwhelming I decide not to pursue any of them. Backwards logic, I know…. But there are so many things I want to say, explain, ask. I just can’t seem to put it into coherent sentences.

I haven’t written in a while, and I wanted to check in. Let everyone know that I’m a little all over the place, and feeling tired from all the chaos that is life but, I am slowly getting my wits about me, and I will hopefully have more frequent updates coming, once I get my crap together that is.

For now, I am actually pretty optimistic about a few things happening in my personal life. I can feel things changing in a positive direction for me, it’s just harder to look at the world and see it going in the right direction, it becomes a large source of anxiety and frustration for me. Thinking about the big picture things always gets me a little bit down. Either way, I’m hoping to break out of this funk soon.

How is everyone else doing with the seasons changing? Are you in a cold climate or warm? Does it affect your mental health at all?

The Social Dilemma

Highly recommend going on Netflix and watching this documentary, it’s incredibly eye-opening, and sheds light on the issues surrounding our current legislation on social media. Not to mention the direction that AI is currently headed, and the ability of companies to manipulate us.

The inevitable profit gain of Social media companies selling our attention/data/personalities is terrifying. Hearing the implications of the systems currently in place, from people that were once developing said programs and algorithms, is only more persuasive in propagating that fear. This is a necessary concern, and we should all take a little time to learn about, and try to understand the tactics being used to manipulate our lives.

The profit at all costs mentality, that has overthrown compassion and empathy for hundreds of years, is only now becoming a true concern for humanity. The environment has been destroyed in order to gain more profits, is it our time now? Is it our turn to be mis-used and depleted, or are we going to make fundamental changes before it’s too late for us and our planet?

Rebellion

Lately, I’ve been genuinely curious, I’ve been conducting some research, and I have a post from social media that I’ve found, that only increases the amount of questions that I have. Learning about so many issues within society today… I can’t understand it all. However, I can give some others one broad topic to think about. Who is making the wheels turn, and what are they doing to make things this way? We all have to assume, unfortunately, that corruption, greed, and coercion exist. We have to start truly learning, before it’s too late. Educating ourselves is difficult enough, not even considering the fact that our media can be controlled/altered. With advancing technology, we have to consider who holds all of that knowledge, and where, we the people, come in. When is it that we make sure that our opinions are heard? When is it that we stop confusing monetary value with self-worth?

Below I will share the post I was talking about previously…. I implore you, I beg you, take a moment to read, take more moments to research, I don’t have enough knowledge to tell you what to do. All that I can say is; take some time to really assess how happy you are with your country, with society, with the consolidation of money, and power. We have (as citizens) A LOT of issues to contend with, we have a lot to resolve. I happen to believe in us, I genuinely hope, that we can come together to fix things.

0 SCORE AND 7 YEARS AGO, it was assumed that teenage angst was why an upper class young man, or anyone else, would share this quote that can easily relate to anyone today. It is clear that the oppressors who have been letting us down, down, down, while we work, sleepless, are the individuals we trusted to lead us and raise this nation Under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for ALL. Men and women have died for this cause, of a country with liberty and justice for all. Theyve died overseas, in police violence, in political killings by the gov organizations, and on the streets they call home. We can add nor take away from their greatest sacrifice for this country. Yet it is our American duty called down to us from our forefathers and every American who sacrificed their life to overthrow those who would shackle our Shepard dogs (our fighting ability), herd us like sheep (manipulated information), and sheer and kill us indiscriminately (as an expendable economic resource). These feelings have been calling for years for the purification of American Leadership. The knowledge of this feeling in our FREE American HEARTS has scared our “leadership”. So they work, sweaty as well, to keep us divided with misinformation and the rat race for money. When the government so clearly must protect itself and its corrupt institutions from the people it represents, it was George Washington who said that the people must then take the government. It is time to retake the government my American brothers and sisters. It is for us, living, to ensure that we carry the torch of those who sacrificed everything before us who died, not free, but fighting to be so . That we here highly resolve these Americans not have died in vain, but in the mighty struggle for a rebirth of freedom, and that the government OF the people, BY the people, FOR the people, never parish.

“We are the angry and the desperate,The hungry, and the cold,We are the ones who kept quiet,And always did what we were told.But we’ve been sweating while you slept so calm,In the safety of your home.We’ve been pulling out the nails that hold upEverything you’ve known.Don’t hold me up now,I can stand my own ground,I don’t need your help now,You will let me down, down, down!”

-Rise Against

To a new year

I’ve never been one for Birthdays, not my own at least. Whenever this time of year rolls around, I go through the ‘normal’ thought process. I question mortality, my life, and assess what I’ve done in a year.

The truth is though, that I feel somewhat fulfilled with this years progress, even though it’s 2020 the year of absolute shit storms.

It doesn’t seem that I’ve gotten very far on the surface but, I am working towards my dreams, I have gained self-confidence (even if it doesn’t seem like it). Basically, I’ve become a totally different person in a year, I’ve come closer to who I’m meant to be, I’ve let go of a lot of baggage, and I’ve become overall happier. Not to say I don’t have my dark days, not to say that I don’t still get anxious and overwhelmed, and not to say that I’m the perfect image of a stable person. For me though, progress has definitely come.

So I’m not sure if I’ll be super excited when my birthday rolls around next week, it is after all just another day but, I am going to take a moment to be proud of who I’ve become. I’m going to take a moment to visualize what I want for this next year, and I’m going to try pretty hard not to get stuck in thoughts of impending doom, and mortality. I have plenty of other days to think about that, hopefully.

All Over the Place

Well, it has been a whirlwind…

All of my ideas, and visions for the future swirling around and altering themselves in seconds. I suppose that’s just how life goes, especially when you have so many interests, ideas, and missions. It’s interesting to feel so motivated in so many different areas of life. Maybe, just maybe, that’s why I always quit too soon. I have an issue where once I get an idea, it becomes a montage of dozens, all with equal importance in my mind.

Taking things one step at a time is difficult when everything seems so dire, and interesting. I know I talk about my own thought processes often, but I find that it’s easier to hold onto my motivation when I do. I know that I have things to do, sometimes I just allow myself to forget. Writing this down, and occasionally looking back on it helps keep my shit together, to be perfectly honest. I can’t help but plead with you, plead with myself too, in order to keep holding myself accountable.

I often wonder if anyone is really listening, or if anyone really cares. I always come back though, to the idea that I have no reason to question that, I am fulfilling something for myself, and that’s okay too. I feel as though, society pushes people away from themselves. Everything that society is, a conglomerate of individuals if you will. When people are pushed together, sometimes it’s difficult for them to remain separate entities, they may remain in title themselves but, in everything else they are an ant to a colony, a bee to a hive, all serving a queen. It’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?

From what I’ve noticed, most of the people blogging, and/or creating, are holding onto their individualism more than most. Maybe, just maybe, we are the people clinging onto ourselves, and saying screw you to those who judge us for it. This is why I continue to create, clinging onto the idea that we are all trying to stay, and be, very much ourselves.