Overwhelming Words

Oh, how long you’ve gone without speaking. Years of trying to find the words for those thoughts that you hold so dear. Now, what is it that triggered this avalanche of emotion, of thought? What is this dictionary spilling from your heart, mind, and soul? How do you continue to translate everything onto paper so easily in these moments? You spent so long trying, but now you question whether or not it is something you wish to share. You’re mind works differently, darling. You had something that was completely your own because it had to be. You couldn’t share your side of the story, your side of life, because the words didn’t exist in your mind. Now that you are here, now that these words cascade out of your mind and into written form, what do you do? How do you adjust and what do you expect? Are you naive to assume that people will understand? It has been a long time coming, hasn’t it? It is this time, this chapter, that narrates the rest of your life. You have a choice now. All these words forming into coherent sentences that you never thought you’d have the ability to write, and you still wonder if it would be the right choice to allow other people in. 

Doubt is ever present in this space, in this utter confusion that is swallowing your mind. Expression was not something that you thought you would achieve, it was a distant dream. You thought you would forever be unable to find words, to find a voice. You give all you have in this, you are now able to write who you are and what you feel, giving yourself completely to a page. It’s incomprehensible that you would ever do this, that you would ever have words that fall so freely, words that portray your mind so perfectly. It feels revealing, it feels as though your exposing your hidden reality. The possessiveness of it all is the most ironic, all that you thought you craved is now what makes you feel the most uncomfortable. For what felt like eternity all that you wanted was to be able to speak, to tell the world what it was that you thought made life so incredibly beautiful and exciting. All you have ever wanted is to change minds, open people up to a world that is exceptionally different than the lives we lead. Then, it was an idealistic fantasy. It may still be. You have the option now, darling. You could give your heart to others and hope, hope that there will be some reciprocation of feeling, of thought. Hope that your voice will encourage them to search for their own words, more importantly not to fear their words. 

However, in broadcasting your idealistic dreams, you could also learn that your words mean nothing here, that humanity really has lost its’ heart and you stand alone. You know what loneliness feels like, and you’ve grown comfortable in that feeling. Reliance on yourself is easy, it’s relying on others that seems impossible. Faith is not something you find easily. You have had your time without speech, and you have spent a copious amount of your life listening, taking in every detail that you happened to notice. You’ve seen greed, self absorption, and ignorance. Is it conceded to feel this way? To feel as though the world revolves as you stand still, watching, listening, and then wondering? Contemplating whether or not anyone may feel the same as you? 

There is an unending veil of questions that are shielding you from taking the leap, from having faith, and from allowing yourself to share the ideation that you hold so close. It is time to make a choice, the world is only getting louder. There is one last question to ask, my love. Will you continue listening, or do you have enough hope to share all of your overwhelming words?

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