Pursuing Freedom in a Capital Driven World

Frustration, Confusion, Depletion.

These are words I feel I throw around a lot. They all pertain to life as an individual terrified of falling prey to a broken system.

The truth is, I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t know how to achieve, live, travel, laugh, scream. I consistently feel trapped, but unaware of what it takes to break free. I don’t know why I fall into this constant loop of thought. I don’t know why I can’t accept a 9-5 fate, I can’t accept 1/3 of my life spent at a desk, or behind a counter, or in a professional kitchen. I absolutely can not accept the depletion of thought, and the misery that accompanies such a life.

Now, this is all personal to me, it’s who I am, how I feel, I know some people truly love their jobs, and there really is nothing wrong with that. I am personally losing areas to search, places I would be able to both feed myself, and be happy. It’s utterly depressing to think about, and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I’m here, I’m searching, I’m longing. I’m longing for a life, one that I can enjoy, one I don’t spend day in and day out saving up, just to be trapped all over again. Right now, I own my OWN time, but what happens when funds run dry? I tremble thinking about returning to the dark place that full-time work brings me, I mourn my creativity, my motivation, my love. I have flashbacks to weeks/months/years spent in tears, to social anxiety swallowing me whole, to feeling so small that I just might disappear. Even worse, hoping to disappear, wishing for less of myself, rather than more.

I’m scared, and I have no answers, I am basically one big question mark…. I’m still searching, and I’m trying my damnedest not to give up.

Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole.

Why Not Be You?

6 thoughts on “Pursuing Freedom in a Capital Driven World

  1. Hang in there. I’ve fought the system my whole life (still do) but somehow managed to survive it. I used to write lyrics on napkins each day while waiting tables, dreaming of getting off work just so I could jet home and put it to music. We each find our own way, just always hold on to the ‘you’. You’ll be fine.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Funny.
    There is a place in all this where you feel somehow more human than anybody…
    right in the middle of a sentence from which all reference to your humanity has been removed.

    You know the texture of it,
    the taste of it on tears,
    the yearning that keeps you holding desperately on to something undefined
    and borderlined –
    fences beyond which you know there is only wasteland.

    The last human thing at the far end of the galaxy,
    weeping for a second chance at stars.

    They’d kill this place if they knew it was there –
    a ghost in the machine,
    reminding us what was lost.
    You, Jenae.

    Liked by 1 person

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