Painting: Works in Progress

Even though I have been utterly overwhelmed, and sometimes overtaken by anxiety, I’ve made it a mission to keep pursuing art. Pushing myself to pass the boundaries of my comfort zone and create. I’ve been dealing with pesky thoughts about my work not being perfect, or even halfway decent at times. However, I want to keep working at it, keeping bringing ideas/sketches to life, and try to enjoy the learning process.

I’ve also been considering making more video content as well. I bought a camera years ago with the intention of making videos, and have yet to try, for fear of judgement. It seems to be the thing holding us all back, doesn’t it? Fear is a bitch I suppose. It’s unfortunate that a lot of the time people like to prove fear right, rather than take control. I will confirm, I am very guilty of letting anxiety get the best of me, letting doubt be my friend, it’s something I’m trying to work on.

Some days are better than others, and I still have a lot of ideas I want to pursue, the commitment floats around my head, waiting to be picked up and taken seriously. Soon.

Pursuing Freedom in a Capital Driven World

Frustration, Confusion, Depletion.

These are words I feel I throw around a lot. They all pertain to life as an individual terrified of falling prey to a broken system.

The truth is, I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t know how to achieve, live, travel, laugh, scream. I consistently feel trapped, but unaware of what it takes to break free. I don’t know why I fall into this constant loop of thought. I don’t know why I can’t accept a 9-5 fate, I can’t accept 1/3 of my life spent at a desk, or behind a counter, or in a professional kitchen. I absolutely can not accept the depletion of thought, and the misery that accompanies such a life.

Now, this is all personal to me, it’s who I am, how I feel, I know some people truly love their jobs, and there really is nothing wrong with that. I am personally losing areas to search, places I would be able to both feed myself, and be happy. It’s utterly depressing to think about, and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I’m here, I’m searching, I’m longing. I’m longing for a life, one that I can enjoy, one I don’t spend day in and day out saving up, just to be trapped all over again. Right now, I own my OWN time, but what happens when funds run dry? I tremble thinking about returning to the dark place that full-time work brings me, I mourn my creativity, my motivation, my love. I have flashbacks to weeks/months/years spent in tears, to social anxiety swallowing me whole, to feeling so small that I just might disappear. Even worse, hoping to disappear, wishing for less of myself, rather than more.

I’m scared, and I have no answers, I am basically one big question mark…. I’m still searching, and I’m trying my damnedest not to give up.

Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole. Don’t let the world swallow you whole.

Why Not Be You?

Dreams that Sting

I woke up abruptly today, after being stung in the chest, by a very large wasp.

It was a dream of course, but as I was trying to pull this wasp out of my skin… I felt panic. I don’t know how many people out there have dreams that really just elicit serious emotion, but this one for some reason continues to stay fresh in my mind.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a bee tattoo, because I LOVE bees. I know wasps aren’t the same, but honestly, I’ve never really had any qualms with them either. That said, it was just strange to have such an aggressive sign push its’ way into my subconscious.

Now, after waking from this dream I decided to use the interweb to find out what it may signify. What it said was, that it is a symbol of evil, hatred, or anger coming into your life. So, that’s terrifying. I’m choosing to believe the more optimistic sign that it could be, and that is, telling you to pursue your dreams. Pursue the thing that scares you, because if you don’t start you can never see where it goes. While this is something I’ve been talking about in previous posts, I’ll reiterate that I am currently unemployed, I have dreams to pursue my own business, rather than go back to the restaurant industry. The problem is, I have anxiety, I have doubts about myself, and my value.

I’m sure many of you may feel similarly, but it’s just such a shitty feeling. It’s shitty to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, with your own mind, etc. I want to truly embrace everything that I am, without the fear of others judgement, or disapproval. I want to pursue art, and passion, and love of life. In today’s society that’s such a difficult concept, it feels as though everything is pushing away from the individual, and leading to a conglomerate of money, power, and greed. That may be how it has always been, human nature is a bitch after all, but I want to push humbly forward, meeting myself somewhere, where I can be helpful, successful, and proud.

There’s my rant for today, my talk about mental health issues, about scary dreams, and about life. Thanks for reading.

How dare you assume I’m human.

I have a few fun doodles I’ve done over the past couple days. I have really been loving everything alien lately, playing with a few different ideas about what that means to me. I’ve found, that when I start to draw on a certain topic, it most likely correlates with a feeling or concept that I’m holding onto in my personal life. I’m still unsure about this one, I have always just loved drawing aliens so it could be that too. Anyway, let me know what you think about these little sketches.

My thoughts on Social Media/Influencer ‘Culture'(?)

Social media is the epitome of life nowadays, and while I find that kind of scary. I can understand why we have gotten to this point, societally. It’s interesting how everyone is looking for fame, in a place that it only starting existing about a decade ago. Now I’m someone who struggles to understand social media, in terms of gaining a ‘following’. I honestly find it quite scary how marketing has gotten online. We get ‘optimized’, literally, all of the ads and marketing that we see is tailored to our searches, previous likes, etc. I’m getting a little off topic so I’ll go back to the media moguls. The people with millions of ‘fans’, people making their income off of a following.

I think it’s amazing that some people are able to make money off of their own branding. It must be awesome to make money just being you, and creating awesome content. My only qualm with this, is that it’s hard to see why everyone can’t offer the same individuality, and make money off of it. In some ways I know it isn’t realistic, but really it’s only because I’ve been told that’s unrealistic. I truly believe that everyone has quirks, and marketable ideas for social media content.

It’s hard to understand how these people even got where they are, I’m sure for most of them it was an immense amount of time and effort. But seriously, how the fuck do you gain such a massive following? What is it that that person has, that we don’t. I’m genuinely not trying to bring anyone down, or bag on social media influencers. It’s just a perplexing concept to me, it’s perplexing that some people can build a giant following in less than a year, while some are working day in and day out to produce quality content, and seeing very little progress for years upon years.

Now like I said in my last post, I’m writing this blog for me. I still have a terrible time trying to keep up with other social media platforms, and that’s okay. As much as it would be awesome to make money posting pictures on Instagram, it isn’t something I even really see as attainable. I feel as though there is a certain type of personality that excels in social media, and I think that’s great. My only dissuasion, is that I really think more diversity needs to be in social media culture. Not just different ethnicities, and backgrounds, but, different personalities too. We need some more ‘weirdos’, if you will. People who aren’t afraid to go off the beaten path, people to account for all of us who don’t fit, and don’t want to fit either. Society is exceptionally diverse, my question is, why doesn’t influencer culture reflect that?

100 Followers!

It’s interesting that I created this blog years ago, and have always lost motivation/courage to continue. In my last post I talked about how moods can change in just a moment. I have spent a long time letting those bad moods affect me for months. I have continuously let myself lose friends, projects, hobbies, etc. It takes a toll.

In the past few weeks, I have learned to really enjoy blogging regularly. I have learned how to enjoy blogging for me, simply because I have things to say, and something about that feels very freeing. I don’t have to focus on follows, or likes, because I truly am doing this because, writing things down, sharing drawings, and creative musings, is therapeutic. It helps me to keep my thoughts, ideas, and goals more organized.

All that said, it is really nice to see that other people enjoy, and/or relate, to the things I have to say. More accurately, there are people who relate to me, who share a creative mind, a desire to learn, and who are willing to support someone without any expected returns. So, thank you for 100 followers, and I hope you continue to enjoy my art, and life.

I decided, in my infinite wisdom, to draw a few fun characters to document this momentous occasion.

Dragging Myself

I always find it so funny how our moods can drastically change, for no reason at all.

Yesterday morning, I woke up excited to start the day. I was finishing a painting for a local business, and I actually had a lot of fun with it. So there I was enjoying myself, jamming out to tunes, painting to my hearts’ content. I finally finish the painting I spent 6 hours on, I turn the music off, and my heart sinks.

It isn’t because I was sad to stop painting, it wasn’t because I had anymore music I wanted to listen to. It was just like all of the happiness got sucked out of me in an instant.

Fast forward, going through the motions of the day, my mind rumbling through any and all possible reasons to be upset. Then, making up new qualms and anxieties, overwhelming my mind with so much at once.

Anxious. Tired. Sad.

It was like an incessant loop, that I had no power over. Or, I let myself believe I had no power over it. Man, I get so frustrated just thinking about how betrayed I felt by my own mind. I’d been doing so great, feeling so optimistic and hopeful. All it took was a moment for me to do a complete 180 and feel self-loathing all over again. A whole day wasted to negative thoughts and feelings, all of which I most definitely didn’t ask for.

Well, here’s to a new day, another chance.

Hope. Happiness. Optimism.

Works in Progress: Could it Sticker?

In pursuing drawing more, I have found that there are some more recent doodles that I thoroughly enjoy the concept of, or the strangeness of. I love drawing without any template or idea in my mind at first, just to see where it goes. This is something that I think carries over into other aspects of my life, for example, I never cook with a recipe, I always fail when baking because I can’t bring myself to follow any measurements. I’m very much a go with the flow type of person, and it shows in so much that I do.

That said, I have been doodling each day, enjoying taking the time to come up with new characters and weirdos. As they represent everything that I am, and all that I enjoy. I have been playing around with the idea lately, to create some characters, or other doodles to make stickers, and/or prints of. Eventually maybe have some cool graphic tees with my own creations on them. It’s just an idea, and I am prone to doubting myself and giving up. However, I think in some ways I owe it to myself to try, to actually give my creativity a go, and allow myself the opportunity to succeed or fail.

I read a really interesting blog post the other day about accepting failure as a necessity in life, and letting go of the fear to try. In that blog post, I realized that I had been holding onto so much fear that in a lot of ways I haven’t let myself try much of anything. I mean, yes, I did buy a trailer and am currently converting it into a home on wheels, and yes, I do pursue this blog in the hopes that others will gain something from it. But, I’ve also had so many fun dreams, and ideas, that have funneled themselves into the toilet just because, I’m too afraid or overwhelmed to try. In taking on the trailer project, I’ve learned that it really is about taking things one step at a time, each step is just as important as the next, and I hope that I can carry that knowledge over into my creative pursuits as well.

So, here are some current concepts in progress, and I’ll leave you with the question, could it sticker?

Mr. Peanut Head
I apologize for how out of focus this one is, my camera didn’t want to cooperate with me at all.

My Goals for the coming months.

I’m going to start off by saying that, as of right now, I’m incredibly excited to work on some new projects. I genuinely thrive off of having personal projects to work on.

As some may know, I bought a 1979 Layton trailer to remodel, and eventually travel in. Demolition has been going well, however it’s still daunting, and almost surreal. There’s so much work to do, and for a person who constantly stresses about time passing, it’s a bit terrifying I’ll be honest. However, all said and done, I’m super excited to be working on my travel dreams, FINALLY! Sometimes I do question the state of the world, and how safe it is to travel nowadays, but we have a while to go before the trailer is anywhere near long-term travel ready. Maybe things will get better, maybe they’ll get worse, but I’m going to see national parks all over the US, and no-one can stop me!

An idea that I’ve had forever, is making stickers and prints, of some of my pieces. I don’t know how well that one will work out. Honestly though, I would love to be able to share my art, and in turn, my perspective, ideas, and mind. So over the next months, I’m going to be working on editing, formatting, testing, and so many other things involved with producing art. Most of all, I’m going to keep creating. For me, that is the most exciting and revolutionary part, to think the motivation all started with a week long doodling challenge that I had set out for myself.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read, it is amazing to find a community so supportive, and I hope to continue sharing my life, and art, with you.

“I don’t want life to imitate art. I want life to be art.”Ernst Fischer

Doodles: Day 7

So this is the final day out of the week that I set out to doodle each day. To be honest, I’m really not ready for it to be over. I think I will continue this and post occasional works and things.

I decided to stick with a concept I had on Day 7, it just inspired me and took up my time. I love drawing super weird conceptual art, and with the debates going on, here in the US, and politics just going fucking haywire. I decided to use blue and red pen for these, and draw ‘beans’ with human heads. I know, stick with me here, it’s a long shot but, I thought I would title it “Bean Boozled”, you can take from that what you will. After all “art is in the eye of the beholder”.

Anyway, thanks for sticking around for my week long drawing binge, and I hope that I can continue with new creative challenges. I might consider going in late to the inktober challenge, but that kind of commitment always scares me. I digress, here are some confused beans….

This one is obviously unfinished, I may go in with liner on this one to try to make a true, finished illustration. For once.