Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.
It seems to me, that the two words above don’t pair well, it seems that if someone were described as a ‘creative rational’ you probably wouldn’t know what to think. The truth is neither do I. Yet here we are, all trying to find the perfect set of words to describe who we are, how we think, etc. In my search for the perfect definition of me, ‘creative rational’ are the two contradictory words that come up.
I spend a lot of time contemplating why I think a certain way, why I can’t seem to emit emotion without trying to find the perfect rationalization. The thing is feelings aren’t rational, hell people aren’t rational. We all live in chaos and incoherence, our daily lives aren’t as structured as we may think, and long term goals are rarely assured.
How difficult that is for someone with an overtly rational mind, how frightening emotions are, and how infrequently they are allowed to be acted upon. In every social interaction there’s a whirlwind of thoughts and calculations, what are my odds of making a genuine impression on someone? What do I say or do to make those odds higher? How do I build this interaction into a friendship? Really, how do I just finish this interaction without making a fool of myself? All of this thought is exhausting, draining, and unfortunately for me, fruitless.
Here I am, trying so hard to rip through all of the rationalizations and introspection, in order to share my real thoughts and emotions. Trying to share the things that, may make me strange to some, but makes me who I am. The funny thing is that no one has the desire or attention span to listen, to actually understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not that I can blame them, the world is moving a million miles an hour. In our individual lives, we all get caught up in the day to day, we all find comfort in what we know. I am no exception. It’s just that these two words contradict each other in many ways, my personality is a contradiction. I have yet to find a way to make peace between these two personality traits, these two sides. There seems to be a constant bickering between them. Which leaves me indecisive, and many times alone.
Being alone means less interaction, which means less emotion, which means less indecision. You see? It’s a simple, rational solution. It seems that in this war, rationality wins regularly. It does so frequently, except now, when I fearfully allow myself to say the things that I spend a lot of time contemplating. Not solely on the grounds that people will read it, but so I can say that I didn’t leave all these thoughts in a little box in the back of mind. If it’s read, then I went out on a limb, I was rebellious, I was creative, and I was me. If even only on a document on my computer. These thoughts and feelings and ideas aren’t only in my head, and if someone else feels the same then that’s even better. The silent war is the one in my head, and when I write, the side I don’t share in everyday life has won a battle. Creativity, individualism and progressive thought has won. I still don’t quite know what side I’m routing for, if either. However, I’m allowing both sides a shot, so a small victory has been made, in the war between creative and rational.
It may be hard finding yourself in one destination, especially when your heart is full of spontaneous dreams and adventure. It’s in the little adventures that we reignite our drive to keep moving. Sitting stagnant is a good way to become unfulfilled and uninterested in life.
I have been going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, due to a lack of time, and lack of adventure. It’s these little excursions from everyday life. that keep me focused and motivated. Reminding me of all of the crazy dreams and amazing adventures that I hope to make full time, all the time, and any time. They remind me that life can be spontaneous and exciting. Most importantly, they force me to look at how I am going to achieve my goals, and all of the things I have to do in order to make necessary changes and achieve sustained happiness.
Loneliness is not a punishment, but a necessary realization. Loneliness is meant to push you to believe in yourself, to understand that you are the only one who will ever be able to conquer your own reality. It’s unfortunate that loneliness is skewed, and demonized, so that anyone who feels alone, feels the instant need to fix it. Here in this time of loneliness, there is nothing for others to fix. Human beings may be social creatures, but the truths that you long to find are hidden within your own mind. Right now there is an incredibly important decision to make, will you demonize loneliness, or will you take the gift of human consciousness in stride? The ability to breath is one thing, the ability to create independent thought is something completely separate. It may not be easy to delve into yourself with no remorse, it may be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever choose to do. It may not seem like it now, but loneliness is a choice, loneliness is choosing individuality over the masses. It’s choosing to believe in the independence you were blessed with. Use your mind wisely, I’m willing to beg and plead in this age of mass media, of convenience, and of comfort, because individuality is lost here. No one chooses to take control of their own gifts, of their own thoughts. So here I am willing to beg and plead, choose the more difficult path, choose thought, choose reflection, choose to be your own living, breathing, thought provoking person. Don’t let the negativity around being alone give you a reason to conform to an ideal that may not exist, that may not lead to your individual happiness. Happiness is not achieved through the same means for any two people, and when that realization finally reaches you, you will be glad that you chose to be lonely temporarily. True connection is achieved after owning your individuality, your expression. Your amazingly unique self is meant to be expressed, meant to be known, flaunted even. It is amazing that so few recognize the importance of owning who you are. It isn’t following societal rules, it isn’t marching to the band, it isn’t being one of many that creates change. It is each person being recognized, sharing inherently different ideas, and different concepts of ideal that creates a new concept of what life is, and what life can be. Loneliness ultimately, is not being alone, loneliness is lacking inspiring conversation, lacking introspective thought, and ultimately lacking true connection. So when will you choose you, and stop allowing loneliness to shadow your individualism?
The weight of the world is so apparent now. There’s so much to discover and so little time to explore. Time gets taken up so quickly in this society, that is constantly in motion. Right now the sky is grey and the air, thick. It’s been a long time since the air has felt like this. My head is pounding, and the air, so claustrophobic. All of my fears about this life are making way to the front of my thoughts, ready to come out of their darkness and suffocate my mind, while the thick, wet air creeps into my lungs. Fear takes control of me, brings me to a place I try my damnedest not to go. I fear complacency, I fear ignorance, most of all I fear time. The clock ticks loudly in my head. I may be young, that doesn’t mean I have forever to waste. The routine I’ve become accustomed to is all wrong. It is ever apparent now, I feel the clock tick, the rest of the world moves while I stand still. I wonder if anyone else feels this way on overcast days, forced into a time of reflection and contemplation. Even though I have come to realize these days are necessary, they still feel cruel. Here I am living the life I once told myself I would avoid at all costs. How would I change it, how would I escape successfully? When would I be able to leave this behind? God knows I am itching to. I’ve been walking through daily life without happiness and haven’t even realized it. Until now. The little weekly adventures have been enough to keep me complacent. The reality that there are responsibilities in being a living, breathing, person, are obvious. And still, the only thing that I can think is why? Why do these responsibilities have to suck the happiness out of living? I know somewhere in my head, heart, and soul, that it doesn’t have to be this way. However, here and now, on this overcast day, the weight of my existence, the weight of my happiness, and knowing that it isn’t being achieved, is ever apparent. The determination to keep trying is for tomorrow, today I allow the fear, and sadness to come to the front of my mind. This day is a reminder that I still have so much to fight for, true happiness is achievable in the most innocent and pure way.
Here’s to refusing to admit defeat.
You may question how you became an outsider in this place. How you lost the ability to speak this language. Now all you can do is watch this perfect symphony and allow the meaning to escape you. What a shame it is that you will always be an outsider. After all of this begging and pleading you can’t even understand, you can’t even tell if they’re calling you to stay. The feeling is there and you know in your heart that it isn’t the answer that you wanted. They’re telling you that you will always be a visitor. The wild may be in your heart and soul but this is no longer your place. Human kind is no longer adapt for the cruel beauty of the place, and it hurts. Convenience has lost us more than we will choose to comprehend. We lost our wisdom, our knowledge, and our truth. So what is it that we do? What is it that defines us? Do we wait for our loss against humanity? Or do we fight against our own incompetence? Do we spend every day fighting for a life that isn’t ours? I want to fight to see our world as we know it thriving. We have so much promise, so much that we could do. I know I have a long way to go. I know that I can achieve all of the goals that I set forth. I am present, I am opinionated, I am ready to take a stand and say that I love the natural beauty of this world and I am absolutely not ready to see it come to an end. So we can sit here and watch our world destroy itself through impossible means or we can listen to what our hearts and souls tell us. Fight for life, fight for control and most importantly fight for freedom against whoever tells you that your dreams can’t come true.
Looking at the ground with a desire. No, an urge, to take but a glance at the world above. Knowing that there must be something growing from these roots you’re watching. Understanding that you mustn’t look up, the plan is to move, keep going, one foot in front of the other, there is no going back and no looking up. There is only the ground which you walk on and the ground ahead, because you know that if you look up there will be no desire to move forward. Time will lay still as soon as you take your eyes from the rock, root, and soil. The magic of your surroundings will no longer be allowed to escape you, and staying put is not an option here, not on this mad mans hike.