One Little Room

Where all life’s experience exists

Every true genuine feeling is felt 

In one little room

 

To say whether it’s negative or positive 

Is not up to me 

 

Clearly I’ve lost you 

But then again you aren’t here

And whether or not that’s important

I don’t know

 

Maybe somehow I enjoy this space

The excuse for isolation 

Somehow consoling 

 

Here there is no pressure

Everyone is shut away 

Perfect

 

Until somehow it isn’t 

Being with yourself too long is somehow

worse?

 

Not every moment is terrible

Being alone is not always, lonely

Sometimes it’s just thinking

Feeling and Being too 

 

There is a melancholic comfort 

In being alone

No Pressure

no need to convey my thinking 

 

But then there’s ‘you’

Forcing me to acknowledge my discomfort, and discontent

Noticing my craving for connection

Wanting to escape this little room

 

You’ll show me how, won’t you?

Focused

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Tap. 

Rushing around in a world flowing by. Yet never really moving.

Contradiction and chaos, finding where the next ‘thing’ may land. 

Wondering if it will ever fall.

If it does, will it plummet to the earth like a meteor finding our atmosphere? 

Will the momentum be strong and fast, hurdling life into a new unknown? 

Or is this thing, this experience, this life, moving all alone?

No force, no gravity.

Just floating around, hovering about, waiting to be recognized and seen.

Hoping to be pulled down and guided through.

The Shoe Box apartment complex

The world is seen through a hole in a shoebox.
All of these little fully functional, all included shoe boxes, with an oven that is guaranteed to have cooked meth at one point, and is certainly through on its’ warranty. A bathtub designed to fill up with black sludge when it decides to rain. Lights that flicker and outlets that don’t work. 

Let’s not forget the constant movement of all of the other shoebox villagers so close and near to your home, invading privacy with no intent to do so. All the noise and chatter heard at all hours not like a symphony but like the script for a play about gang violence and income inequality. This is what I know, it’s something I’m used to. Yet, I still feel as uncomfortable in my own home as I always have. This isn’t home, it’s not where my heart is. It’s just another little stack of lives, and families, and human beings all crunched together and trying to live the life that they feel they deserve. 

And how the world is full of these shoebox complexes, some are shinier I’m sure, and some are far more tattered but yet they all seem to me to be the same. I’m cramped and claustrophobic and I long for a place much more my own. A place to feel safe, to feel connected to my own version of the world, a place to think and feel and breath without the buzzing of this little human ecosystem all around me. 

Enough

Writers block has hit hard… I’m unsure if I can even call myself a writer as I have been so adverse to sitting down and writing anything down. It’s a bitch of a hand to be dealt. Not knowing where it is that you best fit. I think most people deal with this issue, and some come to a conclusion easier than others. It’s just in my bones I know I can contribute to society, I know I can offer a unique perspective. However, being shot down over, and over again. It’s hard. It’s inescapable, and it’s drowning unique ideas in a myriad of falsities and under represented populations. The system as it is, is broken. We have new voices being silenced and old perspectives are taking precedence. It just seems that with all of the technological advancement and changes in how we run as a society. We should change how society runs. We should change who is heard, who is acclaimed. I’m certainly not saying that it should be me, but I am saying that new voices need to be heard. There are so many issues with the way society is running, there are so many discrepancies in our school of thought as a whole. The new has been trying to work its’ way into the big picture. The problem is, is that, no one is willing to listen. Change is hard, and things are already difficult. Tension is high, and hysteria has made its way all around the globe. We are struggling to pick up pieces and put them back together. The problem is, that we have so many new pieces, so many new facets of life, in the modern world, how are we supposed to make different puzzles fit together? Why don’t we just throw away the fucking puzzle and make a new one? We need to be organized as a society, sure, but why don’t we allow new voices to take stage for a while? We need patience, and the availability to be heard, even if the ideas are new. Rather, BECAUSE the ideas are new.

Here We Go

Onto the newest idea, dream, journey. After constant pondering into what it is that makes me dissatisfied with the current state of life, I have decided it’s time to consider the possibility that the only thing holding me back is myself. The societal notion that there is only one way to live is ludicrous and simply not true. My average Joe job, my schedule that is constantly controlled by others, my lack of freedom. All of it has been created and reinforced by myself and societal norms. So, where do I go from here? What do I do?

I’m going to think, plan, and create the version of life that I so desperately strive for. It isn’t impossible to travel, to live, and to create an existence that you love all on your own. Throwing what I’ve been told is realistic out the window, I’m officially ready to crush any expectations others may have, I’m ready to start fresh with only one thing in mind. My life is my own creation and nothing is impossible. I will continue to work hard and get through each day, UNTIL getting through isn’t what the day is about. My life will be full of adventure, and it will someday be exactly what I dream of now.

This is a declaration to myself, I know I can accomplish much when I put my mind to it, and I know you all can too.

 

Niche-less

Niche – denoting or relating to products, services, or interests that appeal to a small, specialized section of the population. 

Why in society are we expected, or made, to find a niche? Why do we have to denote and specialize ourselves into a single section of the population? This is where many people run into issues, it’s where people lose certain aspects of themselves, or at least push certain interests, and joys to the back burner. In order to pursue a single portion of themselves, and hope that they will be accepted there. The truth is, I have spent a lot of time searching for my niche, my specialized area. I have come to some sort of conclusion, one that I don’t necessarily like. Alas, it’s who I am, and who I am is uncategorized. I have so many different things that I love, things that I want out of life. Figuring out how to make those things happen, and how to profit off of them is nearly impossible so far, in this journey. I love drawing, writing, thinking, learning. I love science, and nature, travel and reading. It’s silly to me that having too many interests is something that I have to worry about. Something that isolates me, in a niche filled world. With social media blowing up so much and becoming a platform that in many ways rules the world, where is there room for us? The people stubbornly refusing to categorize themselves, and in doing so being left to explore their many passions alone. It’s overwhelming to have so many things to delve into, I can understand why it’s more appealing to look at a profile with structure, a feed with aesthetic appeal, etc. However, when we scroll through these endless pages of people perfectly categorized and looking so happy while living in their niche bubble, it makes us feel even more lost. With an even larger need to be found, to fit somewhere. When we fail, it hurts even more, knowing that others have succeeded, and do succeed in finding where they fit all of the time. I know that I spent, and continue to spend, a lot of time contemplating where it is that I may fit in this technological generation, where anything seems possible. And yet, it seems impossibly difficult to get anywhere, to find success, to find happiness, and to truly be allowed to enjoy life. Can you honestly say that you have a specific category that you fit into? I simply can’t justify pushing anything to the back burner because all of these interests are what make me, me. And ALL of them should have a chance to be pursued, to be shown to the world. I am unwilling to disguise myself and not share those things about me just because it doesn’t fit into a category. Being “nicheless” is exhausting in a society that excels in grouping people together, for better or for worse. 

Losing Myself in Lost Time

Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.

Creative Rational

It seems to me, that the two words above don’t pair well, it seems that if someone were described as a ‘creative rational’ you probably wouldn’t know what to think. The truth is neither do I. Yet here we are, all trying to find the perfect set of words to describe who we are, how we think, etc. In my search for the perfect definition of me, ‘creative rational’ are the two contradictory words that come up.

I spend a lot of time contemplating why I think a certain way, why I can’t seem to emit emotion without trying to find the perfect rationalization. The thing is feelings aren’t rational, hell people aren’t rational. We all live in chaos and incoherence, our daily lives aren’t as structured as we may think, and long term goals are rarely assured.

How difficult that is for someone with an overtly rational mind, how frightening emotions are, and how infrequently they are allowed to be acted upon. In every social interaction there’s a whirlwind of thoughts and calculations, what are my odds of making a genuine impression on someone? What do I say or do to make those odds higher? How do I build this interaction into a friendship? Really, how do I just finish this interaction without making a fool of myself? All of this thought is exhausting, draining, and unfortunately for me, fruitless.

Here I am, trying so hard to rip through all of the rationalizations and introspection, in order to share my real thoughts and emotions. Trying to share the things that, may make me strange to some, but makes me who I am. The funny thing is that no one has the desire or attention span to listen, to actually understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not that I can blame them, the world is moving a million miles an hour. In our individual lives, we all get caught up in the day to day, we all find comfort in what we know. I am no exception. It’s just that these two words contradict each other in many ways, my personality is a contradiction. I have yet to find a way to make peace between these two personality traits, these two sides. There seems to be a constant bickering between them. Which leaves me indecisive, and many times alone. 

Being alone means less interaction, which means less emotion, which means less indecision. You see? It’s a simple, rational solution. It seems that in this war, rationality wins regularly. It does so frequently, except now, when I fearfully allow myself to say the things that I spend a lot of time contemplating. Not solely on the grounds that people will read it, but so I can say that I didn’t leave all these thoughts in a little box in the back of mind. If it’s read, then I went out on a limb, I was rebellious, I was creative, and I was me. If even only on a document on my computer. These thoughts and feelings and ideas aren’t only in my head, and if someone else feels the same then that’s even better. The silent war is the one in my head, and when I write, the side I don’t share in everyday life has won a battle. Creativity, individualism and progressive thought has won. I still don’t quite know what side I’m routing for, if either. However, I’m allowing both sides a shot, so a small victory has been made, in the war between creative and rational. 

Exploring

 

It may be hard finding yourself in one destination, especially when your heart is full of spontaneous dreams and adventure. It’s in the little adventures that we reignite our drive to keep moving. Sitting stagnant is a good way to become unfulfilled and uninterested in life.

I have been going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, due to a lack of time, and lack of adventure. It’s these little excursions from everyday life. that keep me focused and motivated. Reminding me of all of the crazy dreams and amazing adventures that I hope to make full time, all the time, and any time. They remind me that life can be spontaneous and exciting. Most importantly, they force me to look at how I am going to achieve my goals, and all of the things I have to do in order to make necessary changes and achieve sustained happiness.

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@jenaekayy 

Living for the lonely

Loneliness is not a punishment, but a necessary realization. Loneliness is meant to push you to believe in yourself, to understand that you are the only one who will ever be able to conquer your own reality. It’s unfortunate that loneliness is skewed, and demonized, so that anyone who feels alone, feels the instant need to fix it. Here in this time of loneliness, there is nothing for others to fix. Human beings may be social creatures, but the truths that you long to find are hidden within your own mind. Right now there is an incredibly important decision to make, will you demonize loneliness, or will you take the gift of human consciousness in stride? The ability to breath is one thing, the ability to create independent thought is something completely separate. It may not be easy to delve into yourself with no remorse, it may be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever choose to do. It may not seem like it now, but loneliness is a choice, loneliness is choosing individuality over the masses. It’s choosing to believe in the independence you were blessed with. Use your mind wisely, I’m willing to beg and plead in this age of mass media, of convenience, and of comfort, because individuality is lost here. No one chooses to take control of their own gifts, of their own thoughts. So here I am willing to beg and plead, choose the more difficult path, choose thought, choose reflection, choose to be your own living, breathing, thought provoking person. Don’t let the negativity around being alone give you a reason to conform to an ideal that may not exist, that may not lead to your individual happiness. Happiness is not achieved through the same means for any two people, and when that realization finally reaches you, you will be glad that you chose to be lonely temporarily. True connection is achieved after owning your individuality, your expression. Your amazingly unique self is meant to be expressed, meant to be known, flaunted even. It is amazing that so few recognize the importance of owning who you are. It isn’t following societal rules, it isn’t marching to the band, it isn’t being one of many that creates change. It is each person being recognized, sharing inherently different ideas, and different concepts of ideal that creates a new concept of what life is, and what life can be. Loneliness ultimately, is not being alone, loneliness is lacking inspiring conversation, lacking introspective thought, and ultimately lacking true connection. So when will you choose you, and stop allowing loneliness to shadow your individualism?