The weight of the world is so apparent now. There’s so much to discover and so little time to explore. Time gets taken up so quickly in this society, that is constantly in motion. Right now the sky is grey and the air, thick. It’s been a long time since the air has felt like this. My head is pounding, and the air, so claustrophobic. All of my fears about this life are making way to the front of my thoughts, ready to come out of their darkness and suffocate my mind, while the thick, wet air creeps into my lungs. Fear takes control of me, brings me to a place I try my damnedest not to go. I fear complacency, I fear ignorance, most of all I fear time. The clock ticks loudly in my head. I may be young, that doesn’t mean I have forever to waste. The routine I’ve become accustomed to is all wrong. It is ever apparent now, I feel the clock tick, the rest of the world moves while I stand still. I wonder if anyone else feels this way on overcast days, forced into a time of reflection and contemplation. Even though I have come to realize these days are necessary, they still feel cruel. Here I am living the life I once told myself I would avoid at all costs. How would I change it, how would I escape successfully? When would I be able to leave this behind? God knows I am itching to. I’ve been walking through daily life without happiness and haven’t even realized it. Until now. The little weekly adventures have been enough to keep me complacent. The reality that there are responsibilities in being a living, breathing, person, are obvious. And still, the only thing that I can think is why? Why do these responsibilities have to suck the happiness out of living? I know somewhere in my head, heart, and soul, that it doesn’t have to be this way. However, here and now, on this overcast day, the weight of my existence, the weight of my happiness, and knowing that it isn’t being achieved, is ever apparent. The determination to keep trying is for tomorrow, today I allow the fear, and sadness to come to the front of my mind. This day is a reminder that I still have so much to fight for, true happiness is achievable in the most innocent and pure way.
Here’s to refusing to admit defeat.