I’ve had this overwhelming battle lately between two sides of myself. One side is urging me to progress, keep moving, stay motivated. Now the other is forcing feelings of anxiety, confusion, and hopelessness. Sometimes I wonder if it will always be this way, life isn’t easy, and I’m not naive enough to believe that it is. However, I wonder if it’s normal to be so torn within yourself.
This set of photos has come to take on that meaning for me.
This blog has become a huge mess over the past years that I’ve had it. I haven’t posted regularly, my content has become more of a place to purge all of my self-doubt, and I’m sick of not utilizing what I have as a platform for my creative pursuits and self-expression. I am so much more than my bad days, and this is the time for me to start over and really dig deep into self-discovery and ultimately acceptance.
Recently, I’ve been more interested in portrait photography, most specifically self-portraits. It has really allowed me to express different sides of myself, and become more emotive in a creative field. While I’m sure there will still be a mishmash of content on this blog, I really want to hone in my own creativity and bring something unique to the table. I hope some will gain insight into not only me, but in themselves and truly feel, through said content. It’s a new chapter, a new time, and we are all trying to pick up the pieces, I hope this will help me pick up some of mine.
To those who have followed me (the very few),
I sincerely appreciate any time you took out of your day to read some of my writing. I hope you will stick with me in this new chapter. Please reach out, not only is this time uncertain, it’s also very lonely and I think everyone could use a friend.
The world is seen through a hole in a shoebox.
All of these little fully functional, all included shoe boxes, with an oven that is guaranteed to have cooked meth at one point, and is certainly through on its’ warranty. A bathtub designed to fill up with black sludge when it decides to rain. Lights that flicker and outlets that don’t work.
Let’s not forget the constant movement of all of the other shoebox villagers so close and near to your home, invading privacy with no intent to do so. All the noise and chatter heard at all hours not like a symphony but like the script for a play about gang violence and income inequality. This is what I know, it’s something I’m used to. Yet, I still feel as uncomfortable in my own home as I always have. This isn’t home, it’s not where my heart is. It’s just another little stack of lives, and families, and human beings all crunched together and trying to live the life that they feel they deserve.
And how the world is full of these shoebox complexes, some are shinier I’m sure, and some are far more tattered but yet they all seem to me to be the same. I’m cramped and claustrophobic and I long for a place much more my own. A place to feel safe, to feel connected to my own version of the world, a place to think and feel and breath without the buzzing of this little human ecosystem all around me.
Being young and naive, it is easy for me to fall into the mind altering trap that is, ‘figuring your shit out’. However, this has recently led me into a loop of thoughts that create unwarranted anxiety in my person. Which is…. frustrating, to say the least. A lot has been changing lately, and we have all been forced to think, on our own, a lot. Which again, can get maddening. I’ve come to the conclusion, that even though, we as humans are predisposed to think ahead, there are reasons not to think too much about what we should be doing and how we should be doing it.
Life is a rollercoaster, ups and downs, and spin arounds. Having an idea of your ideal is important. If there isn’t a vision there isn’t anything to achieve. The notion of having ‘your shit together’ or ‘it all figured out’, is merely a misconception in and of itself. One that after being repeated throughout your life over and over again, just becomes more daunting, and chalked full of negative stress. My point is, that we all have a life to live, one life to be exact, and even though having a purpose and goals gives us a positive sense of self, it can also lead to lots and lots of lost time. I think most of us spend more time thinking about what’s next, rather than enjoying the current state of things. My goal from now on is to take extra care in remembering that, although I have goals and am excited to reach them, I still experience joy and contentedness in specific moments each day. Taking extra care in feeling and experiencing those moments is something that I look forward to. Reading a good book, enjoying a beautiful day, hiking, swimming, companionship. All of the things we so obviously take for granted in our day to day lives. Here’s to being a human, a human being, one that is excited for the future. Even though I don’t have it all figured out.
So this level of quarantining has been overwhelming to say the least. Now the world will be slowly moving again. I have definitely taken for granted some of the great things that have come out of this forced stagnancy. I have had TIME, for once since starting my adult life I have had time to go outside, draw, create, and learn. While I can’t say I have taken full advantage of this period of forced unemployment. I can say it has been enlightening, unfortunately it is only now, when everything is returning to normal. That I, am truly able to feel the bliss that comes with all of this time. I am excited though, to implement new daily rituals, rituals that I hope, will make the most of MY time. The possession of such a precious thing has gone unnoticed too long. There are so many things to do and enjoy and learn. Why we waste so much, I have no idea. I am guilty of binge watching a tv show for a full day, I am guilty of wasting, probably more than most. However, I notice the guilt, feel it, in all of its harsh reality. Time is a finite source for us, all of us moving around the globe. Time, or the lack there of, is something that we fear. And while fear can be a motivator, it isn’t the one I think we should be focusing on. It takes out enjoyment, it introduces too much complexity in our minds. When there is already so much complexity apart from ourselves, that is just begging to be noticed. It’s yet another thing I think we all take for granted. Don’t forget the feeling of time, don’t let time passing scare you, just make sure you spend it wisely.
Writers block has hit hard… I’m unsure if I can even call myself a writer as I have been so adverse to sitting down and writing anything down. It’s a bitch of a hand to be dealt. Not knowing where it is that you best fit. I think most people deal with this issue, and some come to a conclusion easier than others. It’s just in my bones I know I can contribute to society, I know I can offer a unique perspective. However, being shot down over, and over again. It’s hard. It’s inescapable, and it’s drowning unique ideas in a myriad of falsities and under represented populations. The system as it is, is broken. We have new voices being silenced and old perspectives are taking precedence. It just seems that with all of the technological advancement and changes in how we run as a society. We should change how society runs. We should change who is heard, who is acclaimed. I’m certainly not saying that it should be me, but I am saying that new voices need to be heard. There are so many issues with the way society is running, there are so many discrepancies in our school of thought as a whole. The new has been trying to work its’ way into the big picture. The problem is, is that, no one is willing to listen. Change is hard, and things are already difficult. Tension is high, and hysteria has made its way all around the globe. We are struggling to pick up pieces and put them back together. The problem is, that we have so many new pieces, so many new facets of life, in the modern world, how are we supposed to make different puzzles fit together? Why don’t we just throw away the fucking puzzle and make a new one? We need to be organized as a society, sure, but why don’t we allow new voices to take stage for a while? We need patience, and the availability to be heard, even if the ideas are new. Rather, BECAUSE the ideas are new.