As much as I rant and rave about everyone being valuable in their uniqueness, I spend an awful lot of time questioning my own value. Questioning whether or not I will matter. Like I said in my last post, I question whether or not there is room for my success. I somehow forget to consider my own views on the importance of being unique, when considering myself. I wonder if self doubt is really just forgetting that we are unique individuals as well. Forgetting that we have a unique perspective to offer. I think that the view we have of ourselves is always skewed towards the negative. I allow myself to get so lost in the negative, and I doubt so much that my individualism gets lost in my own head. A place where it goes through endless critiquing and never leaves. It’s a lot for someone like me, to accept that I am worthy of being seen. That anyone will care what I have to say… Regardless I’m starting to realize that I have to say it. I have to be unapologetically me. I have to stop doubting myself and accept who I am, I have to be enough for me. After that, it doesn’t matter who else thinks I’m good enough.
Niche – denoting or relating to products, services, or interests that appeal to a small, specialized section of the population.
Why in society are we expected, or made, to find a niche? Why do we have to denote and specialize ourselves into a single section of the population? This is where many people run into issues, it’s where people lose certain aspects of themselves, or at least push certain interests, and joys to the back burner. In order to pursue a single portion of themselves, and hope that they will be accepted there. The truth is, I have spent a lot of time searching for my niche, my specialized area. I have come to some sort of conclusion, one that I don’t necessarily like. Alas, it’s who I am, and who I am is uncategorized. I have so many different things that I love, things that I want out of life. Figuring out how to make those things happen, and how to profit off of them is nearly impossible so far, in this journey. I love drawing, writing, thinking, learning. I love science, and nature, travel and reading. It’s silly to me that having too many interests is something that I have to worry about. Something that isolates me, in a niche filled world. With social media blowing up so much and becoming a platform that in many ways rules the world, where is there room for us? The people stubbornly refusing to categorize themselves, and in doing so being left to explore their many passions alone. It’s overwhelming to have so many things to delve into, I can understand why it’s more appealing to look at a profile with structure, a feed with aesthetic appeal, etc. However, when we scroll through these endless pages of people perfectly categorized and looking so happy while living in their niche bubble, it makes us feel even more lost. With an even larger need to be found, to fit somewhere. When we fail, it hurts even more, knowing that others have succeeded, and do succeed in finding where they fit all of the time. I know that I spent, and continue to spend, a lot of time contemplating where it is that I may fit in this technological generation, where anything seems possible. And yet, it seems impossibly difficult to get anywhere, to find success, to find happiness, and to truly be allowed to enjoy life. Can you honestly say that you have a specific category that you fit into? I simply can’t justify pushing anything to the back burner because all of these interests are what make me, me. And ALL of them should have a chance to be pursued, to be shown to the world. I am unwilling to disguise myself and not share those things about me just because it doesn’t fit into a category. Being “nicheless” is exhausting in a society that excels in grouping people together, for better or for worse.
The moon is bright in the night sky with an unexplainable shine, lighting up the clouds that billow around it. It’s like a ceremony of sorts, preparing for the new. The clouds quite literally dancing around the effervescence of the moon. Calling to it and begging to get closer, just to have one more glance before they are forced to overshadow it’s brilliant light, light that fills up the darkness and claims it. No, it will not allow there to be complete darkness, at least not on this night. On this night, it is full and beautiful, it is prepared to fight against the forces that are determined to hide it. The sky is alive tonight. Truly alive, moving and breathing in it’s own way, in such a poetic way that it brings tears to my eyes. It is like seeing the world from a completely different perspective, this light is different, this light is raw and real. My perspective now is as if I am a group of atoms taking up space that is not meant to be mine. I am here, but I am simply occupying space that vibrates with life, life so much more profound than my own.
It’s cool light, a light completely unfazed by the material world and living a life completely its own. I am lucky enough to be here in this perfect moment, in this moment where the clouds open up perfectly around the moon, heeding to something other than the wind, not allowing themselves to give way to the path they are meant to take. I stand and I watch this dance, this movement of things that I know in my head are not alive, but in my heart I feel them dancing, I feel them proceeding with their own ceremony, a ceremony recognizing life and beauty and light. And as quickly as it started, the wind pushes the clouds over the moon, but the dancing doesn’t stop, the dancing won’t stop. The cycle will continue, the dance, the fight, the awe-inspiring light won’t be tamed, not tonight.
I continue to write, to think, and to breathe the wild. My heart soars in my daydreams and is crushed in reality. I feel this incessant ache in my chest when I think of the beauty that is out there and the beauty I have yet to see. How do I make my dreams a reality, how do I carry on in a world that rips my dreams away on a daily basis. Am I crazy, weird, or am I just unique? Everyone in this amazing world has dreams and aspirations, I’m willing to bet that everyone of them is different. Unfortunately that isn’t what societal conformity is all about, and sadly most individual voices will never be heard, or seen, or achieved. Being told that things are improbable, if not impossible, as you want them is deafening to the human psyche and will continue to destroy dreams until we decide to change our mindset on life and pursue what we love. Simply because we want to, not because it will be the most lucrative or ‘successful’. What else is success besides finding immense joy in life? Why do we waste time following a carbon copy of what we should be? Is it fear of the unknown? I know that I’m afraid, constantly, I’m afraid of what may become of this world, of the ecosystem, and of me. I wonder if there is a place for me here, will I be able to ever truly be happy, being who I am? Will I be able to live the crazy, amazing life that I dream of? It seems like nowadays all I do is dream. I long for a life that I don’t have, yet. The truth is though that I am drawn enough to this dream that I will either make it to that place, to that feeling or die trying. In these daydreams that I have, I feel shadows of an emotion that I have yet to experience completely and my drive comes solely from that. I absolutely need to experience that feeling completely. I need what I crave, this dream is an addiction, I find pieces of the feeling that I want so desperately in small things, day hikes, or a beautiful sunset, even birds chirping in the morning, a single tree that catches my eye. The feeling I crave is so easy to catch in small doses, but I need more, and it drives me to achieve. I need that joy and I will spend my whole life searching for it. I’m okay with that, excited for it. My real concern is, are you? Are you dreaming, hoping, achieving? Are you working for something you want or for something you are told to want? There is an unsurmountable difference between living for what you want and living for what you should want. Spend everyday questioning what you know and feel, and try to find the you that has been overshadowed. You will be very glad you did.
I’ve always loved that word. It sounds so rich, so strong. It encompasses a lot of who I am and who I always have been. I question, I don’t settle for the easy lie, nor the simple truth. I believe that the truth is never simple. It’s Never black or white, win or lose. This game we call life is full of ugly truths and beautifully crafted lies. The question is, what do we do about it? I know how I feel about life, about things, about society, and about nature. I know what grips my soul and makes me move forward, move toward something I find beautiful, something that is innately and insanely true. I choose to love completely, to see everything around me. I choose not to push the ugly things aside, but to understand them, to try to understand their place here in this life. There is immense pain in recognizing the ugly, the destruction, and the wanton waste all around us can. But amongst the pain is beauty, hidden by the bustle of daily life. There are waterfalls, mountains, trees, animals, and the sun. There is an immense amount of beauty there, beauty that’s thriving, and most people never even see it. While I stand in awe of this raw power and beauty, most drive right past. I stand in awe at the life that hasn’t been tainted by man’s greed or hunger for power. These go unseen by most, smothered by the intricately crafted lies that are loud, up front, and easy. The lies don’t require thought, or contemplation, just blank acceptance. What a shame it is that we think so little, feel so little, know so little. It’s a shame because compassion has been smothered by the deception. True beauty is holding on tight, but we sit idly by and allow it to be destroyed, numb to the cries of nature. Have we really gone this far, lost this much? Now we see nothing but dollar signs and smog, missing all of the truths chasing a facade. I think I can stop saying we now because I choose feeling, seeing, questioning, learning. I choose rebellion.