Mental Health Discussion

In the very beginning of this Ted Talk I was captivated, the eloquence with which Andrew speaks, is truly captivating. Truly, no one does think about the ludicrous feeling of not wanting to take food out of the fridge for lunch, not being able to get out of bed to shower.

It is also an interesting idea that we are far behind in treatment for illnesses like depression, yet we have come so far in the past 100, 50, 20 years.

I have found myself not being able to do those same things lately, not walking downstairs to get food out of the fridge, not leaving the house. It’s a huge problem, it’s an illness that plagues the world, and I find it interesting that it seems that nothing can separate this illness from individual personality and character. Diluting your mental state with medication is sometimes necessary and beneficial, but it is that, that separates yourself from your own insight. Existential questions that are asked by all, mingle in the brain of the depressed, are pondered often and thoroughly…. I wish it felt beautiful and profound to be a person who ponders, sometimes I suppose it is.

I’m interested to hear any thoughts about this, it can be lonely struggling with your own mind, it can be frustrating when you search for connection on a ground that is so individual and personal. I myself, am trying to find the beauty in asking the tough questions, finding the possibilities within my own incessant mind. What about you?

Changing Seasons

The change from fall to winter always hits me pretty hard. With this year being an election year, it becomes even more draining. Tensions are so high, everything is uncertain, and it’s freezing outside.

I’ve had too many thoughts going through my head, and they get so overwhelming I decide not to pursue any of them. Backwards logic, I know…. But there are so many things I want to say, explain, ask. I just can’t seem to put it into coherent sentences.

I haven’t written in a while, and I wanted to check in. Let everyone know that I’m a little all over the place, and feeling tired from all the chaos that is life but, I am slowly getting my wits about me, and I will hopefully have more frequent updates coming, once I get my crap together that is.

For now, I am actually pretty optimistic about a few things happening in my personal life. I can feel things changing in a positive direction for me, it’s just harder to look at the world and see it going in the right direction, it becomes a large source of anxiety and frustration for me. Thinking about the big picture things always gets me a little bit down. Either way, I’m hoping to break out of this funk soon.

How is everyone else doing with the seasons changing? Are you in a cold climate or warm? Does it affect your mental health at all?

To a new year

I’ve never been one for Birthdays, not my own at least. Whenever this time of year rolls around, I go through the ‘normal’ thought process. I question mortality, my life, and assess what I’ve done in a year.

The truth is though, that I feel somewhat fulfilled with this years progress, even though it’s 2020 the year of absolute shit storms.

It doesn’t seem that I’ve gotten very far on the surface but, I am working towards my dreams, I have gained self-confidence (even if it doesn’t seem like it). Basically, I’ve become a totally different person in a year, I’ve come closer to who I’m meant to be, I’ve let go of a lot of baggage, and I’ve become overall happier. Not to say I don’t have my dark days, not to say that I don’t still get anxious and overwhelmed, and not to say that I’m the perfect image of a stable person. For me though, progress has definitely come.

So I’m not sure if I’ll be super excited when my birthday rolls around next week, it is after all just another day but, I am going to take a moment to be proud of who I’ve become. I’m going to take a moment to visualize what I want for this next year, and I’m going to try pretty hard not to get stuck in thoughts of impending doom, and mortality. I have plenty of other days to think about that, hopefully.

Dragging Myself

I always find it so funny how our moods can drastically change, for no reason at all.

Yesterday morning, I woke up excited to start the day. I was finishing a painting for a local business, and I actually had a lot of fun with it. So there I was enjoying myself, jamming out to tunes, painting to my hearts’ content. I finally finish the painting I spent 6 hours on, I turn the music off, and my heart sinks.

It isn’t because I was sad to stop painting, it wasn’t because I had anymore music I wanted to listen to. It was just like all of the happiness got sucked out of me in an instant.

Fast forward, going through the motions of the day, my mind rumbling through any and all possible reasons to be upset. Then, making up new qualms and anxieties, overwhelming my mind with so much at once.

Anxious. Tired. Sad.

It was like an incessant loop, that I had no power over. Or, I let myself believe I had no power over it. Man, I get so frustrated just thinking about how betrayed I felt by my own mind. I’d been doing so great, feeling so optimistic and hopeful. All it took was a moment for me to do a complete 180 and feel self-loathing all over again. A whole day wasted to negative thoughts and feelings, all of which I most definitely didn’t ask for.

Well, here’s to a new day, another chance.

Hope. Happiness. Optimism.

As time passes

Something that has always been a massive cause of anxiety for me, has been feeling that I’m not doing enough. Progress is something that can’t be seen in the day to day, and being like most young adults, that makes me feel like no progress is happening at all.

Trying to take things a day at a time, hoping that living in the present will lead me to a better, more light-hearted future.

Spending less time thinking about what I’m going to do, how I’m going to get somewhere, etc. It has helped keep me from my feelings of hopelessness and anxiety. Life ebbs and flows, things change, some days feel like the world is ending, and some days, it feels like opportunity is all around.

Opportunity to live, to flourish, to be. There are so many quotes out there describing, and explaining life in so few words, but the truth is, there are no words to explain what life is to each individual. I guess the point of it all is for you to decide, for you to find out. That’s what makes life so captivating and inspiring.