Figuring out life, Why you shouldn’t try it.

Being young and naive, it is easy for me to fall into the mind altering trap that is, ‘figuring your shit out’. However, this has recently led me into a loop of thoughts that create unwarranted anxiety in my person. Which is…. frustrating, to say the least. A lot has been changing lately, and we have all been forced to think, on our own, a lot. Which again, can get maddening. I’ve come to the conclusion, that even though, we as humans are predisposed to think ahead, there are reasons not to think too much about what we should be doing and how we should be doing it.

Life is a rollercoaster, ups and downs, and spin arounds. Having an idea of your ideal is important. If there isn’t a vision there isn’t anything to achieve. The notion of having ‘your shit together’ or ‘it all figured out’, is merely a misconception in and of itself. One that after being repeated throughout your life over and over again, just becomes more daunting, and chalked full of negative stress. My point is, that we all have a life to live, one life to be exact, and even though having a purpose and goals gives us a positive sense of self, it can also lead to lots and lots of lost time. I think most of us spend more time thinking about what’s next, rather than enjoying the current state of things. My goal from now on is to take extra care in remembering that, although I have goals and am excited to reach them, I still experience joy and contentedness in specific moments each day. Taking extra care in feeling and experiencing those moments is something that I look forward to. Reading a good book, enjoying a beautiful day, hiking, swimming, companionship. All of the things we so obviously take for granted in our day to day lives. Here’s to being a human, a human being, one that is excited for the future. Even though I don’t have it all figured out.

Thanks for Listening

 

Quarantine Bliss-ter

So this level of quarantining has been overwhelming to say the least. Now the world will be slowly moving again. I have definitely taken for granted some of the great things that have come out of this forced stagnancy. I have had TIME, for once since starting my adult life I have had time to go outside, draw, create, and learn. While I can’t say I have taken full advantage of this period of forced unemployment. I can say it has been enlightening, unfortunately it is only now, when everything is returning to normal. That I, am truly able to feel the bliss that comes with all of this time. I am excited though, to implement new daily rituals, rituals that I hope, will make the most of MY time. The possession of such a precious thing has gone unnoticed too long. There are so many things to do and enjoy and learn. Why we waste so much, I have no idea. I am guilty of binge watching a tv show for a full day, I am guilty of wasting, probably more than most. However, I notice the guilt, feel it, in all of its harsh reality. Time is a finite source for us, all of us moving around the globe. Time, or the lack there of, is something that we fear. And while fear can be a motivator, it isn’t the one I think we should be focusing on. It takes out enjoyment, it introduces too much complexity in our minds. When there is already so much complexity apart from ourselves, that is just begging to be noticed. It’s yet another thing I think we all take for granted. Don’t forget the feeling of time, don’t let time passing scare you, just make sure you spend it wisely.

Thanks for listening.

Here We Go

Onto the newest idea, dream, journey. After constant pondering into what it is that makes me dissatisfied with the current state of life, I have decided it’s time to consider the possibility that the only thing holding me back is myself. The societal notion that there is only one way to live is ludicrous and simply not true. My average Joe job, my schedule that is constantly controlled by others, my lack of freedom. All of it has been created and reinforced by myself and societal norms. So, where do I go from here? What do I do?

I’m going to think, plan, and create the version of life that I so desperately strive for. It isn’t impossible to travel, to live, and to create an existence that you love all on your own. Throwing what I’ve been told is realistic out the window, I’m officially ready to crush any expectations others may have, I’m ready to start fresh with only one thing in mind. My life is my own creation and nothing is impossible. I will continue to work hard and get through each day, UNTIL getting through isn’t what the day is about. My life will be full of adventure, and it will someday be exactly what I dream of now.

This is a declaration to myself, I know I can accomplish much when I put my mind to it, and I know you all can too.

 

Exploring

 

It may be hard finding yourself in one destination, especially when your heart is full of spontaneous dreams and adventure. It’s in the little adventures that we reignite our drive to keep moving. Sitting stagnant is a good way to become unfulfilled and uninterested in life.

I have been going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, due to a lack of time, and lack of adventure. It’s these little excursions from everyday life. that keep me focused and motivated. Reminding me of all of the crazy dreams and amazing adventures that I hope to make full time, all the time, and any time. They remind me that life can be spontaneous and exciting. Most importantly, they force me to look at how I am going to achieve my goals, and all of the things I have to do in order to make necessary changes and achieve sustained happiness.

DSC05730.JPGOxidized

@jenaekayy 

Living for the lonely

Loneliness is not a punishment, but a necessary realization. Loneliness is meant to push you to believe in yourself, to understand that you are the only one who will ever be able to conquer your own reality. It’s unfortunate that loneliness is skewed, and demonized, so that anyone who feels alone, feels the instant need to fix it. Here in this time of loneliness, there is nothing for others to fix. Human beings may be social creatures, but the truths that you long to find are hidden within your own mind. Right now there is an incredibly important decision to make, will you demonize loneliness, or will you take the gift of human consciousness in stride? The ability to breath is one thing, the ability to create independent thought is something completely separate. It may not be easy to delve into yourself with no remorse, it may be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever choose to do. It may not seem like it now, but loneliness is a choice, loneliness is choosing individuality over the masses. It’s choosing to believe in the independence you were blessed with. Use your mind wisely, I’m willing to beg and plead in this age of mass media, of convenience, and of comfort, because individuality is lost here. No one chooses to take control of their own gifts, of their own thoughts. So here I am willing to beg and plead, choose the more difficult path, choose thought, choose reflection, choose to be your own living, breathing, thought provoking person. Don’t let the negativity around being alone give you a reason to conform to an ideal that may not exist, that may not lead to your individual happiness. Happiness is not achieved through the same means for any two people, and when that realization finally reaches you, you will be glad that you chose to be lonely temporarily. True connection is achieved after owning your individuality, your expression. Your amazingly unique self is meant to be expressed, meant to be known, flaunted even. It is amazing that so few recognize the importance of owning who you are. It isn’t following societal rules, it isn’t marching to the band, it isn’t being one of many that creates change. It is each person being recognized, sharing inherently different ideas, and different concepts of ideal that creates a new concept of what life is, and what life can be. Loneliness ultimately, is not being alone, loneliness is lacking inspiring conversation, lacking introspective thought, and ultimately lacking true connection. So when will you choose you, and stop allowing loneliness to shadow your individualism? 

Road Block

Naivety gets the best of you and for once things seem clear. What a joke it is to think you have life all figured out. Life is NOT meant to be easy, life IS meant to confuse you. It will never be clear or easy, that is also the beauty of our world. It may be the most infuriating aspect of your experience on this inexplainable planet. It is continuous. Saying that you’ve had enough does not squalor the world and it’s evolution around you and your soul. This evolution, this constant motion may cause nausea, it may cause pain, and it may cause an onset of intense emotion that you neither want nor expect. Regardless of all of these things this world has an expectation, it has an idea. This world wants, in the most unrelenting way, for you to live, to experience, and to strive. The wants and hopes of this world are what drive you to do and whether you take that for granted, whether you let that glimmer of purity push you forward, that is up to you. The responsibility and weight of that idea is overwhelming. It’s not only overwhelming, it is also hard for the conscious mind to believe, to have faith in. Take a step back and allow yourself to let go of all of the thoughts that crowd your mind, allow yourself to let go of society, of life outside of YOU. It’s funny that it is something that takes so much consideration, just to think of yourself for one moment. To stop all of the constant chatter that controls what you do and how you think. It isn’t important now, it isn’t important ever. We all have an incredible, amazing, and perfect life to lead, yet we allow ourselves to be caught up in the outside noise, in the seemingly inescapable loudness that surrounds us. Everyone here, caught up in this commotion, has a place. It is a matter of letting all of the outward sound go, it’s a matter of digging. It may be seen as selfish to choose to look that far into who you are meant to be, it may be seen as something to avoid, something to be afraid of. You have the glorious and ultimately freeing choice to continue on a path that revolves around you. It’s when you take yourself into consideration that you can find out how to not only except, but help others, build connections, and be the most productive and happy you.  

Overwhelming Words

Oh, how long you’ve gone without speaking. Years of trying to find the words for those thoughts that you hold so dear. Now, what is it that triggered this avalanche of emotion, of thought? What is this dictionary spilling from your heart, mind, and soul? How do you continue to translate everything onto paper so easily in these moments? You spent so long trying, but now you question whether or not it is something you wish to share. You’re mind works differently, darling. You had something that was completely your own because it had to be. You couldn’t share your side of the story, your side of life, because the words didn’t exist in your mind. Now that you are here, now that these words cascade out of your mind and into written form, what do you do? How do you adjust and what do you expect? Are you naive to assume that people will understand? It has been a long time coming, hasn’t it? It is this time, this chapter, that narrates the rest of your life. You have a choice now. All these words forming into coherent sentences that you never thought you’d have the ability to write, and you still wonder if it would be the right choice to allow other people in. 

Doubt is ever present in this space, in this utter confusion that is swallowing your mind. Expression was not something that you thought you would achieve, it was a distant dream. You thought you would forever be unable to find words, to find a voice. You give all you have in this, you are now able to write who you are and what you feel, giving yourself completely to a page. It’s incomprehensible that you would ever do this, that you would ever have words that fall so freely, words that portray your mind so perfectly. It feels revealing, it feels as though your exposing your hidden reality. The possessiveness of it all is the most ironic, all that you thought you craved is now what makes you feel the most uncomfortable. For what felt like eternity all that you wanted was to be able to speak, to tell the world what it was that you thought made life so incredibly beautiful and exciting. All you have ever wanted is to change minds, open people up to a world that is exceptionally different than the lives we lead. Then, it was an idealistic fantasy. It may still be. You have the option now, darling. You could give your heart to others and hope, hope that there will be some reciprocation of feeling, of thought. Hope that your voice will encourage them to search for their own words, more importantly not to fear their words. 

However, in broadcasting your idealistic dreams, you could also learn that your words mean nothing here, that humanity really has lost its’ heart and you stand alone. You know what loneliness feels like, and you’ve grown comfortable in that feeling. Reliance on yourself is easy, it’s relying on others that seems impossible. Faith is not something you find easily. You have had your time without speech, and you have spent a copious amount of your life listening, taking in every detail that you happened to notice. You’ve seen greed, self absorption, and ignorance. Is it conceded to feel this way? To feel as though the world revolves as you stand still, watching, listening, and then wondering? Contemplating whether or not anyone may feel the same as you? 

There is an unending veil of questions that are shielding you from taking the leap, from having faith, and from allowing yourself to share the ideation that you hold so close. It is time to make a choice, the world is only getting louder. There is one last question to ask, my love. Will you continue listening, or do you have enough hope to share all of your overwhelming words?

Pleading to Stay

You may question how you became an outsider in this place. How you lost the ability to speak this language. Now all you can do is watch this perfect symphony and allow the meaning to escape you. What a shame it is that you will always be an outsider. After all of this begging and pleading you can’t even understand, you can’t even tell if they’re calling you to stay. The feeling is there and you know in your heart that it isn’t the answer that you wanted. They’re telling you that you will always be a visitor. The wild may be in your heart and soul but this is no longer your place. Human kind is no longer adapt for the cruel beauty of the place, and it hurts. Convenience has lost us more than we will choose to comprehend. We lost our wisdom, our knowledge, and our truth. So what is it that we do? What is it that defines us? Do we wait for our loss against humanity? Or do we fight against our own incompetence? Do we spend every day fighting for a life that isn’t ours? I want to fight to see our world as we know it thriving. We have so much promise, so much that we could do. I know I have a long way to go. I know that I can achieve all of the goals that I set forth. I am present, I am opinionated, I am ready to take a stand and say that I love the natural beauty of this world and I am absolutely not ready to see it come to an end. So we can sit here and watch our world destroy itself through impossible means or we can listen to what our hearts and souls tell us. Fight for life, fight for control and most importantly fight for freedom against whoever tells you that your dreams can’t come true. 

Madmans Hike

Looking at the ground with a desire. No, an urge, to take but a glance at the world above. Knowing that there must be something growing from these roots you’re watching. Understanding that you mustn’t look up, the plan is to move, keep going, one foot in front of the other, there is no going back and no looking up. There is only the ground which you walk on and the ground ahead, because you know that if you look up there will be no desire to move forward.  Time will lay still as soon as you take your eyes from the rock, root, and soil. The magic of your surroundings will no longer be allowed to escape you, and staying put is not an option here, not on this mad mans hike. 

At 1:43 AM

The moon is bright in the night sky with an unexplainable shine, lighting up the clouds that billow around it. It’s like a ceremony of sorts, preparing for the new. The clouds quite literally dancing around the effervescence of the moon. Calling to it and begging to get closer, just to have one more glance before they are forced to overshadow it’s brilliant light, light that fills up the darkness and claims it. No, it will not allow there to be complete darkness, at least not on this night. On this night, it is full and beautiful, it is prepared to fight against the forces that are determined to hide it. The sky is alive tonight. Truly alive, moving and breathing in it’s own way, in such a poetic way that it brings tears to my eyes. It is like seeing the world from a completely different perspective, this light is different, this light is raw and real. My perspective now is as if I am a group of atoms taking up space that is not meant to be mine. I am here, but I am simply occupying space that vibrates with life, life so much more profound than my own. 

It’s cool light, a light completely unfazed by the material world and living a life completely its own. I am lucky enough to be here in this perfect moment, in this moment where the clouds open up perfectly around the moon, heeding to something other than the wind, not allowing themselves to give way to the path they are meant to take. I stand and I watch this dance, this movement of things that I know in my head are not alive, but in my heart I feel them dancing, I feel them proceeding with their own ceremony, a ceremony recognizing life and beauty and light. And as quickly as it started, the wind pushes the clouds over the moon, but the dancing doesn’t stop, the dancing won’t stop. The cycle will continue, the dance, the fight, the awe-inspiring light won’t be tamed, not tonight.