Dear Veterans

War is a terrible thing,

War is carnage and destruction.

You brave soldier have dedicated your life to a pursuit of freedom and for that I am grateful. You have made yourself a target and proudly honored your flag. What a disturbance it is to see that you aren’t taken care of after your valiance.

I have members of my family who have served, and it has been engrained in me to respect and appreciate those who are willing to do so.

However, I do not have to respect and appreciate a government that has so often cast loyal veterans aside. A government that doesn’t invest enough into soldiers acclimation back into a civil society, and a government that documents a soldiers worth off of how long they serve, or how tough they are both mentally and physically. Strength comes from those willing to accept and work on their weaknesses, the military does a great job of hardening individuals, making them more machine than human being.

Like I said, I have family members who have served, and my uncle passed this year, not from Covid or from war. I believe it was a slow degradation of the mind and spirit post-service. It lead to health issues that may have been too difficult for him to handle. The truth is I don’t know for sure how it happened, or when it started. We had always been incredibly close even though we didn’t talk as much in the past 8 years or so… We had a bond that I didn’t think needed confirmation, but I still wish he would’ve called more, I wish I would’ve called more. I wish I managed to take more trips to see him. It was always in the plan, I was going to take a road trip across the US and I would stay in Texas with him for a month or so, just to catch up, have fun, and talk for the first time as adults. I would get some advice about life, and I would listen to anything he wanted to get off of his chest. We would rekindle our friendship and drink a bunch of beer, take a few shots of whiskey. I’d leave with the promise of coming back to visit soon.

34 years was not long enough, and I wish he would’ve been better taken care of because even though he loved and respected the military, it doesn’t seem that that feeling was reciprocated. In that way, the cost was a life, it was quality of life for years, and now it’s the absence of one. And quite frankly that makes me angry.

It also makes me angry that my grandfather served in Vietnam, he went through absolute and total hell, and left with two Purple Hearts. The answer through all of the physical ailments and PTSD was opiates, and is to this day. Therapy doesn’t work as it is in the VA, trauma takes patience and years of diligence, yet once you’re done serving the operative is to get them out of your hair.

So yes, I respect, appreciate, and love the veterans of my country but, will we start taking care of them as they deserve to be taken care of?

Dreams that Sting

I woke up abruptly today, after being stung in the chest, by a very large wasp.

It was a dream of course, but as I was trying to pull this wasp out of my skin… I felt panic. I don’t know how many people out there have dreams that really just elicit serious emotion, but this one for some reason continues to stay fresh in my mind.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a bee tattoo, because I LOVE bees. I know wasps aren’t the same, but honestly, I’ve never really had any qualms with them either. That said, it was just strange to have such an aggressive sign push its’ way into my subconscious.

Now, after waking from this dream I decided to use the interweb to find out what it may signify. What it said was, that it is a symbol of evil, hatred, or anger coming into your life. So, that’s terrifying. I’m choosing to believe the more optimistic sign that it could be, and that is, telling you to pursue your dreams. Pursue the thing that scares you, because if you don’t start you can never see where it goes. While this is something I’ve been talking about in previous posts, I’ll reiterate that I am currently unemployed, I have dreams to pursue my own business, rather than go back to the restaurant industry. The problem is, I have anxiety, I have doubts about myself, and my value.

I’m sure many of you may feel similarly, but it’s just such a shitty feeling. It’s shitty to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, with your own mind, etc. I want to truly embrace everything that I am, without the fear of others judgement, or disapproval. I want to pursue art, and passion, and love of life. In today’s society that’s such a difficult concept, it feels as though everything is pushing away from the individual, and leading to a conglomerate of money, power, and greed. That may be how it has always been, human nature is a bitch after all, but I want to push humbly forward, meeting myself somewhere, where I can be helpful, successful, and proud.

There’s my rant for today, my talk about mental health issues, about scary dreams, and about life. Thanks for reading.