Doodling : Day 1

I’ve decided to get back on the drawing band wagon, and hold myself more accountable by drawing something each day. It may just be a collection of lines, or a doodle here and there. However, I’m hopeful that it will help me stay creative and motivated. Searching for jobs, and trying to figure out my next step in life has been utterly stressful, and leads me to get overwhelmed super easily. I’ve found that taking a little time to doodle, or read, has really helped me stay grounded over the past few weeks.

Constantly thinking about what your marketable skills are during a world-wide pandemic, isn’t easy. Or healthy. Hopefully taking a little time to breath, and do things that I enjoy will help me in my search. Wish me luck!

As time passes

Something that has always been a massive cause of anxiety for me, has been feeling that I’m not doing enough. Progress is something that can’t be seen in the day to day, and being like most young adults, that makes me feel like no progress is happening at all.

Trying to take things a day at a time, hoping that living in the present will lead me to a better, more light-hearted future.

Spending less time thinking about what I’m going to do, how I’m going to get somewhere, etc. It has helped keep me from my feelings of hopelessness and anxiety. Life ebbs and flows, things change, some days feel like the world is ending, and some days, it feels like opportunity is all around.

Opportunity to live, to flourish, to be. There are so many quotes out there describing, and explaining life in so few words, but the truth is, there are no words to explain what life is to each individual. I guess the point of it all is for you to decide, for you to find out. That’s what makes life so captivating and inspiring.

Empowerment with Portrait Photography

In the past couple weeks, I have gone from hating being in front of a camera, to genuinely enjoying the artistry involved in self-portraits. It’s strange to think about how uncomfortable and nervous I was in front of a lens. This is not to say that I have all the self-confidence in the world. However, I am gaining self-confidence through photos, I never thought I would get a good photo of myself in a million years. I seemed to think I was the least photogenic person in the world, and that’s just how it was.

Breaking out of my comfort zone, and taking photos of myself, or trusting someone else to take photos of me has ultimately done wonders for my self-esteem. In a short couple weeks I have come to notice things about myself that I ACTUALLY like! Which is something I wouldn’t have been able to say back in my bought of self-loathing.

It really is an empowering feeling to look at a photo of yourself and think, “wow! I look good”. I personally think that anyone struggling with their self-confidence should definitely take some time in front of a camera, getting to know your perceptions and how many of them are just built up delusions that you hold close. Honestly, let’s all just break the chains and learn to love ourselves, and take really awesome pictures while we are at it.

I know it’s easier said than done, and my own self-esteem battle is just beginning, but I can say without any doubt, that photographs have pushed me in the right direction.

One Little Room

Where all life’s experience exists

Every true genuine feeling is felt 

In one little room

 

To say whether it’s negative or positive 

Is not up to me 

 

Clearly I’ve lost you 

But then again you aren’t here

And whether or not that’s important

I don’t know

 

Maybe somehow I enjoy this space

The excuse for isolation 

Somehow consoling 

 

Here there is no pressure

Everyone is shut away 

Perfect

 

Until somehow it isn’t 

Being with yourself too long is somehow

worse?

 

Not every moment is terrible

Being alone is not always, lonely

Sometimes it’s just thinking

Feeling and Being too 

 

There is a melancholic comfort 

In being alone

No Pressure

no need to convey my thinking 

 

But then there’s ‘you’

Forcing me to acknowledge my discomfort, and discontent

Noticing my craving for connection

Wanting to escape this little room

 

You’ll show me how, won’t you?

Focused

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Tap. 

Rushing around in a world flowing by. Yet never really moving.

Contradiction and chaos, finding where the next ‘thing’ may land. 

Wondering if it will ever fall.

If it does, will it plummet to the earth like a meteor finding our atmosphere? 

Will the momentum be strong and fast, hurdling life into a new unknown? 

Or is this thing, this experience, this life, moving all alone?

No force, no gravity.

Just floating around, hovering about, waiting to be recognized and seen.

Hoping to be pulled down and guided through.

The Shoe Box apartment complex

The world is seen through a hole in a shoebox.
All of these little fully functional, all included shoe boxes, with an oven that is guaranteed to have cooked meth at one point, and is certainly through on its’ warranty. A bathtub designed to fill up with black sludge when it decides to rain. Lights that flicker and outlets that don’t work. 

Let’s not forget the constant movement of all of the other shoebox villagers so close and near to your home, invading privacy with no intent to do so. All the noise and chatter heard at all hours not like a symphony but like the script for a play about gang violence and income inequality. This is what I know, it’s something I’m used to. Yet, I still feel as uncomfortable in my own home as I always have. This isn’t home, it’s not where my heart is. It’s just another little stack of lives, and families, and human beings all crunched together and trying to live the life that they feel they deserve. 

And how the world is full of these shoebox complexes, some are shinier I’m sure, and some are far more tattered but yet they all seem to me to be the same. I’m cramped and claustrophobic and I long for a place much more my own. A place to feel safe, to feel connected to my own version of the world, a place to think and feel and breath without the buzzing of this little human ecosystem all around me.