Losing Myself in Lost Time

Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.

Creative Rational

It seems to me, that the two words above don’t pair well, it seems that if someone were described as a ‘creative rational’ you probably wouldn’t know what to think. The truth is neither do I. Yet here we are, all trying to find the perfect set of words to describe who we are, how we think, etc. In my search for the perfect definition of me, ‘creative rational’ are the two contradictory words that come up.

I spend a lot of time contemplating why I think a certain way, why I can’t seem to emit emotion without trying to find the perfect rationalization. The thing is feelings aren’t rational, hell people aren’t rational. We all live in chaos and incoherence, our daily lives aren’t as structured as we may think, and long term goals are rarely assured.

How difficult that is for someone with an overtly rational mind, how frightening emotions are, and how infrequently they are allowed to be acted upon. In every social interaction there’s a whirlwind of thoughts and calculations, what are my odds of making a genuine impression on someone? What do I say or do to make those odds higher? How do I build this interaction into a friendship? Really, how do I just finish this interaction without making a fool of myself? All of this thought is exhausting, draining, and unfortunately for me, fruitless.

Here I am, trying so hard to rip through all of the rationalizations and introspection, in order to share my real thoughts and emotions. Trying to share the things that, may make me strange to some, but makes me who I am. The funny thing is that no one has the desire or attention span to listen, to actually understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not that I can blame them, the world is moving a million miles an hour. In our individual lives, we all get caught up in the day to day, we all find comfort in what we know. I am no exception. It’s just that these two words contradict each other in many ways, my personality is a contradiction. I have yet to find a way to make peace between these two personality traits, these two sides. There seems to be a constant bickering between them. Which leaves me indecisive, and many times alone. 

Being alone means less interaction, which means less emotion, which means less indecision. You see? It’s a simple, rational solution. It seems that in this war, rationality wins regularly. It does so frequently, except now, when I fearfully allow myself to say the things that I spend a lot of time contemplating. Not solely on the grounds that people will read it, but so I can say that I didn’t leave all these thoughts in a little box in the back of mind. If it’s read, then I went out on a limb, I was rebellious, I was creative, and I was me. If even only on a document on my computer. These thoughts and feelings and ideas aren’t only in my head, and if someone else feels the same then that’s even better. The silent war is the one in my head, and when I write, the side I don’t share in everyday life has won a battle. Creativity, individualism and progressive thought has won. I still don’t quite know what side I’m routing for, if either. However, I’m allowing both sides a shot, so a small victory has been made, in the war between creative and rational.