It seems to be all I talk about right? Contemplating normalcy, my own day to day existence. Wishing, and hoping for more to come, a break from all the normal I seem to be drowning in. Times like this are the ones that are the worst for my self worth. I start to feel as though I’ve come back to square one, again, for the umpteenth time, I am here. Wracking my brain for options and yet my mind is blank. Here I sit, taking down all of my woes in writing, continuing to be unheard and unseen for the weirdo that I am. All of this because I can’t seem to find my escape, and let me tell you, going nowhere is the difficult part. Going nowhere is more terrifying than anything else, because in going nowhere you know you will be trapped in the normalcy forever. All the years of being misunderstood, under appreciated, and frankly just ignored. All those years will come to mean nothing except more of the same. More of feeling voiceless, feeling lonely, feeling tired of it all. So here, I come back to talk about square one, talk about all of the daily normal that drowns out the individual voice, the cries are loud, maybe someday people will actually listen to them. In listening to them, maybe they will hear their own echos of the same feelings. I know breaking the mold is intimidating, but I know that we are better off breaking the mold together.
Work, home, repeat. Leaving our minds behind and letting ourselves fall into a cycle of torment. Dealing with asshole bosses, rude customers, unruly coworkers, lewd comments, etc. Here we are trapped, with no end in site. You have to pay the bills don’t you? You have to keep moving in order to keep food on the table, and yet you are miserable the whole. Entire. Time. You think and think, what’s the solution, how do you get out of here. Planning and planning relentlessly, memorizing your most likely escape route. Yet, it still feels like you aren’t doing enough, nothing impactful is happening and you just feel screwed. Like the whole world was built to hurt, to degrade, to destroy. To take away hope, and love, and control. It’s a depressing reality that you just can’t except, so you try again, memorize a new escape, try so hard to figure out a way to get out quickly because everyday you are stuck in this cycle is another day that you feel closer to loosing who you are.
I’m frustrated, I’m lost, I’m miserable. I need something to let up, I can’t keep going from job to job that makes me feel worthless. I have a working mind, I have a million thoughts a minute and they’re all telling me that I need to find a way out. But, the pressure is too much, there is no easy escape. Hell, there isn’t even a guaranteed escape. The rest of my life could look exactly like this and if that isn’t terrifying I don’t know what is.
Niche – denoting or relating to products, services, or interests that appeal to a small, specialized section of the population.
Why in society are we expected, or made, to find a niche? Why do we have to denote and specialize ourselves into a single section of the population? This is where many people run into issues, it’s where people lose certain aspects of themselves, or at least push certain interests, and joys to the back burner. In order to pursue a single portion of themselves, and hope that they will be accepted there. The truth is, I have spent a lot of time searching for my niche, my specialized area. I have come to some sort of conclusion, one that I don’t necessarily like. Alas, it’s who I am, and who I am is uncategorized. I have so many different things that I love, things that I want out of life. Figuring out how to make those things happen, and how to profit off of them is nearly impossible so far, in this journey. I love drawing, writing, thinking, learning. I love science, and nature, travel and reading. It’s silly to me that having too many interests is something that I have to worry about. Something that isolates me, in a niche filled world. With social media blowing up so much and becoming a platform that in many ways rules the world, where is there room for us? The people stubbornly refusing to categorize themselves, and in doing so being left to explore their many passions alone. It’s overwhelming to have so many things to delve into, I can understand why it’s more appealing to look at a profile with structure, a feed with aesthetic appeal, etc. However, when we scroll through these endless pages of people perfectly categorized and looking so happy while living in their niche bubble, it makes us feel even more lost. With an even larger need to be found, to fit somewhere. When we fail, it hurts even more, knowing that others have succeeded, and do succeed in finding where they fit all of the time. I know that I spent, and continue to spend, a lot of time contemplating where it is that I may fit in this technological generation, where anything seems possible. And yet, it seems impossibly difficult to get anywhere, to find success, to find happiness, and to truly be allowed to enjoy life. Can you honestly say that you have a specific category that you fit into? I simply can’t justify pushing anything to the back burner because all of these interests are what make me, me. And ALL of them should have a chance to be pursued, to be shown to the world. I am unwilling to disguise myself and not share those things about me just because it doesn’t fit into a category. Being “nicheless” is exhausting in a society that excels in grouping people together, for better or for worse.
Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.
Feet will meet the ground only when you are willing to stand up. For a naive young traveler, this is the belief that drives them. Putting foot to ground, standing alone in a sea of confused and ignorant men. They hold their own path and put one foot in front of the other. Cradling something much more profound than mediocrity in their hands, desiring more and living for less. Materialism is not for the wanderer, it is not physical things that captivate their being, and possess their soul. It may seem self-righteous, or condescending, the path which these travelers take.
Seeming to be, and being are two very different things. The ideas and opinions you may have are held in your own right. However, these preconceived notions may blind you from the truth. The undeniable truth that these people, these wanderers, who stray away from the path set out for them are not better than anyone else, and I’m sure will never claim to be. There is simply a wall that they have been unable to tear down. One that keeps them from gaining human connection but allows them to see the impossibility of the world. To see every beautiful landscape, every sunny day, every tree, flower, or clover as something more than it’s appearance. The wheels are turning, the world is moving in some amazing way and it seems as though most people miss it. I feel it’s a shame that people are unable, or refuse to, grasp the magnitude of everything around them. Everything that has been untouched by human hands is tossed aside, where it should be celebrated, loved, and cared for. It should be cherished more than anything else. We live and breath the processes happening all around us, yet we show it no respect, no gratitude. All the secrets of creation lie within these landscapes, these ecosystems, these living things. Have most of us forgotten that they live and breath? It may be different than that of people, but does that make them less important, or more? The young, and possibly naive wanderer thinks of these things, and even more so feels them. The mysticism and magic of nature can not and will not escape them. It may set them apart, it may ostracize them from people who feel or think differently. Some may even call them strange, deranged, or moronic. The wanderer may feel that way without being told they are, simply because it is difficult to stand away from the crowd, to think and feel so fiercely oppositional to the rest of the ever growing civilized world. To stray from the normal, is to open yourself up to the extraordinary, it is allowing yourself to think, feel, and act on your true desires and passions. To become the person who could quite possibly find happiness, a happiness uninhabited by fear, by the urge to fit in, by the need to be valuable in a society that does not value you. You must put value in your individualism, in your capacity to think and feel so deeply for something outside yourself.
The weeping wanderer is the captive, the wanderer that has left their dreams behind in order to conform to a standard not meant for them. The naive young traveler has put foot to ground, and may be standing alone, but has a fire in their belly, and has put all notions of normalcy behind them. Hopeful for adventure, for freedom, and entranced by the natural world around them.
Naivety gets the best of you and for once things seem clear. What a joke it is to think you have life all figured out. Life is NOT meant to be easy, life IS meant to confuse you. It will never be clear or easy, that is also the beauty of our world. It may be the most infuriating aspect of your experience on this inexplainable planet. It is continuous. Saying that you’ve had enough does not squalor the world and it’s evolution around you and your soul. This evolution, this constant motion may cause nausea, it may cause pain, and it may cause an onset of intense emotion that you neither want nor expect. Regardless of all of these things this world has an expectation, it has an idea. This world wants, in the most unrelenting way, for you to live, to experience, and to strive. The wants and hopes of this world are what drive you to do and whether you take that for granted, whether you let that glimmer of purity push you forward, that is up to you. The responsibility and weight of that idea is overwhelming. It’s not only overwhelming, it is also hard for the conscious mind to believe, to have faith in. Take a step back and allow yourself to let go of all of the thoughts that crowd your mind, allow yourself to let go of society, of life outside of YOU. It’s funny that it is something that takes so much consideration, just to think of yourself for one moment. To stop all of the constant chatter that controls what you do and how you think. It isn’t important now, it isn’t important ever. We all have an incredible, amazing, and perfect life to lead, yet we allow ourselves to be caught up in the outside noise, in the seemingly inescapable loudness that surrounds us. Everyone here, caught up in this commotion, has a place. It is a matter of letting all of the outward sound go, it’s a matter of digging. It may be seen as selfish to choose to look that far into who you are meant to be, it may be seen as something to avoid, something to be afraid of. You have the glorious and ultimately freeing choice to continue on a path that revolves around you. It’s when you take yourself into consideration that you can find out how to not only except, but help others, build connections, and be the most productive and happy you.
The moon is bright in the night sky with an unexplainable shine, lighting up the clouds that billow around it. It’s like a ceremony of sorts, preparing for the new. The clouds quite literally dancing around the effervescence of the moon. Calling to it and begging to get closer, just to have one more glance before they are forced to overshadow it’s brilliant light, light that fills up the darkness and claims it. No, it will not allow there to be complete darkness, at least not on this night. On this night, it is full and beautiful, it is prepared to fight against the forces that are determined to hide it. The sky is alive tonight. Truly alive, moving and breathing in it’s own way, in such a poetic way that it brings tears to my eyes. It is like seeing the world from a completely different perspective, this light is different, this light is raw and real. My perspective now is as if I am a group of atoms taking up space that is not meant to be mine. I am here, but I am simply occupying space that vibrates with life, life so much more profound than my own.
It’s cool light, a light completely unfazed by the material world and living a life completely its own. I am lucky enough to be here in this perfect moment, in this moment where the clouds open up perfectly around the moon, heeding to something other than the wind, not allowing themselves to give way to the path they are meant to take. I stand and I watch this dance, this movement of things that I know in my head are not alive, but in my heart I feel them dancing, I feel them proceeding with their own ceremony, a ceremony recognizing life and beauty and light. And as quickly as it started, the wind pushes the clouds over the moon, but the dancing doesn’t stop, the dancing won’t stop. The cycle will continue, the dance, the fight, the awe-inspiring light won’t be tamed, not tonight.