Expecting Change

Is it naive to expect a life-altering change when you don’t have a plan?

I guess it seems to me that life throws things at you when you least expect it, right? I never usually give myself the time necessary, I never wait. Now, in this uncertain place, I have been taking the time.

It feels as though nothing is coming my way. I wonder if it has something to do with manifesting ideas into action, and neglecting to pursue the ‘safe option’. I understand that hard-work is mandatory in our lives, in succeeding, but, I find myself working hard on potentially all of the wrong things. There are some positives to take away from this time off, and to be honest, my mental health has been going pretty well. I have been more creative, more hopeful. On the other side of that though, I have been more unsure, and confused.

What should I expect from what I am pursuing?

It’s obvious I’ve been pursuing more creative fields, I’ve been working on a lot of things I enjoy. Coming around to the fact, the things I enjoy don’t bring me sustainability. I absolutely hate that money is what keeps the world turning. I hate that status = money, and money = power. I have no desire to increase my value monetarily, but unfortunately we are all forced to pursue it. I have long-term goals, things that require the proper funds. I want to travel, I want to buy land and start an animal sanctuary some day, I want to learn to build sustainable housing, etc.

Asking the proper questions is difficult, albeit impossible, due to the sheer volume of necessary questions. There is no possible way to ask them all at once.

Right now I have a few at the forefront of my mind. One of them being, what is most important? Is my mental health more important than making a steady paycheck? If so, how am I going to reach my long-term goals? I think these questions are probably going through everyone’s mind at certain points of their life. I think everyone has good reason to ask these questions regularly, but what about the answers? I’m not sure we are meant to get them, rather than, embrace the question itself?

Doodling : Day 1

I’ve decided to get back on the drawing band wagon, and hold myself more accountable by drawing something each day. It may just be a collection of lines, or a doodle here and there. However, I’m hopeful that it will help me stay creative and motivated. Searching for jobs, and trying to figure out my next step in life has been utterly stressful, and leads me to get overwhelmed super easily. I’ve found that taking a little time to doodle, or read, has really helped me stay grounded over the past few weeks.

Constantly thinking about what your marketable skills are during a world-wide pandemic, isn’t easy. Or healthy. Hopefully taking a little time to breath, and do things that I enjoy will help me in my search. Wish me luck!

More of the Same

I have a few more images from the other day that I’d like to share, take a peek if you’re interested.

I’ve been messing around with different edits, cropping, and saturations.

I’d love any tips, tricks, or advice for future photo shoots, so here I am on the interweb trying to get some opinions. Is that a bad idea? Eh, I’ll go for it anyway!

Reflecting on the past

While I agree that it doesn’t help to dwell on the past, I’ve found that looking through old journals really helps with developing new ideas, and understanding how you’ve felt in the past. I took the time today to go through some old notebooks and find some entries that elicited emotion. Below, I’ll share from a journal I kept through the summer of 2019, so over a year ago, in the hopes that it will give some insight into my current journey.

When will I grow up, and stop living in daydreams and idle fantasies.

Stubbornly feigning indifference, while bearing the weight of worlds.

These were placed on the inside cover of my notebook along with a poem I chose not to share. I have learned through these passages, I have come to recognize pieces of myself, pieces that I still struggle with, but in some ways have come to love. I dream. I question. I feel deeply.

Wander exceptionally far away from what you know, only there will you find yourself.

This one is still relevant to me today. All of my goals lead to a time where I am able to wander. A time, that will give me the freedom to experience, to learn, and to find myself.

Note to Self:

In order to find _______ .

Adventure is inherently important. Nothing else matters. Finding magic means taking the necessary leap.

Be free, create the world you dream of.

Make your ideal reality.

Here I am, over a year ago, searching, yet not knowing what it is I’m looking for. My mind during this time was similar to what it is now, I still yearn for a sense of freedom that I haven’t found. However, I have come to understand the importance of so many other things. I have come to understand the importance of connection, of family, and of being vulnerable enough to let people in.

Small City

Heightened awareness of status in a bourgeois sense.

Finally finished with college degrees, shopping for polos and pleated skirts.

Waiting eagerly for the chance to wear them to new jobs, holding themselves in a higher esteem than they truly should.

False confidence emitted in hazardous waves.

Unappreciated and well despised by those who walk the streets in rags, by those who have seen cruelty and misfortune in this little city.

Now, this piece holds some true anger. I remember the day I wrote this, I was at a stoplight in the city that I was working in. I was watching people walk by, holding their shopping bags from ritzy stores. At this same crosswalk I saw others walking by, dirty and tired, carrying everything they owned on their backs. It was a long day at work, and I had befriended some of the people that were carrying everything they owned on their backs. I felt for them, for their misfortune, and most of all for how misunderstood they are. I still think that everyone who has the privilege of new things, a hot meal, and a place to sleep, should take the time to get to know, and potentially help, someone less fortunate. However, I no longer feel that I can immediately condemn or judge those who do have more.

Nothing feels familiar, and everything is out of place. Lost in a cascade of emotions, never seeming to make sense. It has taken a long while to understand, and here you are, still looking at some unknown land, with a language that eludes you. It was once your vernacular, and yet, it is foreign.

This passage to me, was all of my feelings of disconnect, of uncertainty. Wondering where to turn, who would listen, who would care. This is still something I struggle with, connection for some reason feels so important, yet so scarce.

I guess this blog is an embodiment of my yearning for similarities in such a vast world. This is a place for me to be me, completely honest and open, forgetting all of the time I spent burying my thoughts. It’s also about gaining the confidence to share passages like these. I hope, if you’ve taken the time to read these, that you can gain something too.

As time passes

Something that has always been a massive cause of anxiety for me, has been feeling that I’m not doing enough. Progress is something that can’t be seen in the day to day, and being like most young adults, that makes me feel like no progress is happening at all.

Trying to take things a day at a time, hoping that living in the present will lead me to a better, more light-hearted future.

Spending less time thinking about what I’m going to do, how I’m going to get somewhere, etc. It has helped keep me from my feelings of hopelessness and anxiety. Life ebbs and flows, things change, some days feel like the world is ending, and some days, it feels like opportunity is all around.

Opportunity to live, to flourish, to be. There are so many quotes out there describing, and explaining life in so few words, but the truth is, there are no words to explain what life is to each individual. I guess the point of it all is for you to decide, for you to find out. That’s what makes life so captivating and inspiring.

Empowerment with Portrait Photography

In the past couple weeks, I have gone from hating being in front of a camera, to genuinely enjoying the artistry involved in self-portraits. It’s strange to think about how uncomfortable and nervous I was in front of a lens. This is not to say that I have all the self-confidence in the world. However, I am gaining self-confidence through photos, I never thought I would get a good photo of myself in a million years. I seemed to think I was the least photogenic person in the world, and that’s just how it was.

Breaking out of my comfort zone, and taking photos of myself, or trusting someone else to take photos of me has ultimately done wonders for my self-esteem. In a short couple weeks I have come to notice things about myself that I ACTUALLY like! Which is something I wouldn’t have been able to say back in my bought of self-loathing.

It really is an empowering feeling to look at a photo of yourself and think, “wow! I look good”. I personally think that anyone struggling with their self-confidence should definitely take some time in front of a camera, getting to know your perceptions and how many of them are just built up delusions that you hold close. Honestly, let’s all just break the chains and learn to love ourselves, and take really awesome pictures while we are at it.

I know it’s easier said than done, and my own self-esteem battle is just beginning, but I can say without any doubt, that photographs have pushed me in the right direction.

Paint Me

These photos are what sparked creativity, shocked me into an awareness that, I have been allowing myself to fall into my own anxieties and doubts too long. My mind may always war with itself but, I can’t let it stop me from living anymore. Worldwide pandemic or not, I’m determined to make the most of what I have.

I’m looking forward to seeing more ‘colors’ come out in this chapter… Breaking out of my shell I suppose. Wish me luck

Focused

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Tap. 

Rushing around in a world flowing by. Yet never really moving.

Contradiction and chaos, finding where the next ‘thing’ may land. 

Wondering if it will ever fall.

If it does, will it plummet to the earth like a meteor finding our atmosphere? 

Will the momentum be strong and fast, hurdling life into a new unknown? 

Or is this thing, this experience, this life, moving all alone?

No force, no gravity.

Just floating around, hovering about, waiting to be recognized and seen.

Hoping to be pulled down and guided through.

The Shoe Box apartment complex

The world is seen through a hole in a shoebox.
All of these little fully functional, all included shoe boxes, with an oven that is guaranteed to have cooked meth at one point, and is certainly through on its’ warranty. A bathtub designed to fill up with black sludge when it decides to rain. Lights that flicker and outlets that don’t work. 

Let’s not forget the constant movement of all of the other shoebox villagers so close and near to your home, invading privacy with no intent to do so. All the noise and chatter heard at all hours not like a symphony but like the script for a play about gang violence and income inequality. This is what I know, it’s something I’m used to. Yet, I still feel as uncomfortable in my own home as I always have. This isn’t home, it’s not where my heart is. It’s just another little stack of lives, and families, and human beings all crunched together and trying to live the life that they feel they deserve. 

And how the world is full of these shoebox complexes, some are shinier I’m sure, and some are far more tattered but yet they all seem to me to be the same. I’m cramped and claustrophobic and I long for a place much more my own. A place to feel safe, to feel connected to my own version of the world, a place to think and feel and breath without the buzzing of this little human ecosystem all around me.