Punching Anxiety in the Balls

I decided to make a video! This is the first in (hopefully many more)…. I really want to keep creating new content and developing myself, and my place in this digital world. So even though I’m sure it won’t be easy, and I’m already immensely unsure of myself, I’m finding ways to keep going regardless. If you happen to watch this short paint with me video, I’d love to hear what you think, any ideas for new videos, and of course any tips or tricks on how to improve. Thanks for sticking around for all of my crazy ramblings, and for listening… It means more than you know.

Dreams that Sting

I woke up abruptly today, after being stung in the chest, by a very large wasp.

It was a dream of course, but as I was trying to pull this wasp out of my skin… I felt panic. I don’t know how many people out there have dreams that really just elicit serious emotion, but this one for some reason continues to stay fresh in my mind.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a bee tattoo, because I LOVE bees. I know wasps aren’t the same, but honestly, I’ve never really had any qualms with them either. That said, it was just strange to have such an aggressive sign push its’ way into my subconscious.

Now, after waking from this dream I decided to use the interweb to find out what it may signify. What it said was, that it is a symbol of evil, hatred, or anger coming into your life. So, that’s terrifying. I’m choosing to believe the more optimistic sign that it could be, and that is, telling you to pursue your dreams. Pursue the thing that scares you, because if you don’t start you can never see where it goes. While this is something I’ve been talking about in previous posts, I’ll reiterate that I am currently unemployed, I have dreams to pursue my own business, rather than go back to the restaurant industry. The problem is, I have anxiety, I have doubts about myself, and my value.

I’m sure many of you may feel similarly, but it’s just such a shitty feeling. It’s shitty to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, with your own mind, etc. I want to truly embrace everything that I am, without the fear of others judgement, or disapproval. I want to pursue art, and passion, and love of life. In today’s society that’s such a difficult concept, it feels as though everything is pushing away from the individual, and leading to a conglomerate of money, power, and greed. That may be how it has always been, human nature is a bitch after all, but I want to push humbly forward, meeting myself somewhere, where I can be helpful, successful, and proud.

There’s my rant for today, my talk about mental health issues, about scary dreams, and about life. Thanks for reading.

How dare you assume I’m human.

I have a few fun doodles I’ve done over the past couple days. I have really been loving everything alien lately, playing with a few different ideas about what that means to me. I’ve found, that when I start to draw on a certain topic, it most likely correlates with a feeling or concept that I’m holding onto in my personal life. I’m still unsure about this one, I have always just loved drawing aliens so it could be that too. Anyway, let me know what you think about these little sketches.

Doodles: Day 3

Yesterday I went the extra mile, with some serious doodling. It was just really relaxing, and I had quite a bit of time to draw. I’ve been using a 4×6 sketchbook for most of my doodles recently but sometimes, it’s just a bit too small. I decided to take out an ancient high school sketchbook that I’ve had forever and start using that again.

I have the terrible habit of never finishing/reusing old sketchbooks, so hopefully this will help me break that habit. I think I’m going to keep filling old notebooks/sketchbooks for a while, until I can safely say that I haven’t wasted any precious pages.

These are the sketches I did in my little sketchbook, before I decided I needed more space. I also got sick of using pencil, I love using ball point pen for sketches, and when I found a red one, I got super excited to draw! I find that sometimes using different supplies really helps spark some ideas, maybe that’s just me?

Regardless, I really enjoyed the sketching process yesterday, and I’m glad to be drawing a bit each day. I have a feeling I’ll probably stick with it a while, even though somedays are less than stellar. Does anyone else take the time to draw, or cultivate a hobby, each day?

I took some time to draw facial features, and aliens of course. Not to mention the many circles and lines in between. When I sketch, instead of doing a warm-up with circles and lines, I usually incorporate them into the page. Don’t ask me why, for some reason it just happens as I’m doodling. Without me even noticing really.

Not so: Secret Project

After years of saving for a van, Corona Virus hits….

So with little funds, and months of unemployment, I bought a 1979 Layton trailer instead… Not a perfect plan, but a much needed project none the less.

*Drum roll please*

She may not be tip top but, she’s got some potential. The plan is to hook up some solar, put in a composting toilet, add an outdoor shower, and do some serious remodeling. But, this will be home sweet home in the next 6 months or so (fingers crossed). The first proper camping trip will commence this coming weekend, and then she’s in for a serious face lift.

Once all the work has been put in, and she’s safe for long-term travel, hopefully I’ll be able to set off for a life-changing cross country trip. Being able to see the world has always been a dream, and this is a good starting point, hopefully. Everything is uncertain, and life is going crazy. However, I plan on spending mine doing something different, taking the path less traveled (pun intended). One can only hope it’ll work out for the best, but I can settle for somewhere in-between. It’s going to be an interesting ride, that’s all I have to say.

Getting Lost

Day trips are the best when you don’t have a plan. It’s usually a hit or miss, but knowing that something incredible COULD happen, simply because you’ve set out to adventure is really fun!

We decided to just drive in one direction, and found some pretty beautiful locations. Not to mention we ate some really yummy food. A hike was in the original ‘plan’ but, deciding to scrap that was actually kinda nice. Finding a water fall, and walking around was a great way to just relax.

I find that being out in nature is amazingly refreshing, and with the seasons changing, the fall colors just starting to come out. It was a beautiful day, and a great trip. Up into the green mountains we went, and I’m so glad that we took the time to really be present for the day. Finding true beauty in the things that we so often take for granted. Sometimes it feels like the world is ending, and we are all headed towards doom and gloom, but not on days like this one.

I really encourage people to get out and take some time to breath in some fresh mountain air. There’s nothing like it, and you certainly won’t be disappointed. After being cooped up inside for so long, and being afraid of everyone, and everything. It’s great to remember that we have so much more than what we see looking outside our window.

Wild apple tree

Expecting Change

Is it naive to expect a life-altering change when you don’t have a plan?

I guess it seems to me that life throws things at you when you least expect it, right? I never usually give myself the time necessary, I never wait. Now, in this uncertain place, I have been taking the time.

It feels as though nothing is coming my way. I wonder if it has something to do with manifesting ideas into action, and neglecting to pursue the ‘safe option’. I understand that hard-work is mandatory in our lives, in succeeding, but, I find myself working hard on potentially all of the wrong things. There are some positives to take away from this time off, and to be honest, my mental health has been going pretty well. I have been more creative, more hopeful. On the other side of that though, I have been more unsure, and confused.

What should I expect from what I am pursuing?

It’s obvious I’ve been pursuing more creative fields, I’ve been working on a lot of things I enjoy. Coming around to the fact, the things I enjoy don’t bring me sustainability. I absolutely hate that money is what keeps the world turning. I hate that status = money, and money = power. I have no desire to increase my value monetarily, but unfortunately we are all forced to pursue it. I have long-term goals, things that require the proper funds. I want to travel, I want to buy land and start an animal sanctuary some day, I want to learn to build sustainable housing, etc.

Asking the proper questions is difficult, albeit impossible, due to the sheer volume of necessary questions. There is no possible way to ask them all at once.

Right now I have a few at the forefront of my mind. One of them being, what is most important? Is my mental health more important than making a steady paycheck? If so, how am I going to reach my long-term goals? I think these questions are probably going through everyone’s mind at certain points of their life. I think everyone has good reason to ask these questions regularly, but what about the answers? I’m not sure we are meant to get them, rather than, embrace the question itself?

Doodling : Day 1

I’ve decided to get back on the drawing band wagon, and hold myself more accountable by drawing something each day. It may just be a collection of lines, or a doodle here and there. However, I’m hopeful that it will help me stay creative and motivated. Searching for jobs, and trying to figure out my next step in life has been utterly stressful, and leads me to get overwhelmed super easily. I’ve found that taking a little time to doodle, or read, has really helped me stay grounded over the past few weeks.

Constantly thinking about what your marketable skills are during a world-wide pandemic, isn’t easy. Or healthy. Hopefully taking a little time to breath, and do things that I enjoy will help me in my search. Wish me luck!

More of the Same

I have a few more images from the other day that I’d like to share, take a peek if you’re interested.

I’ve been messing around with different edits, cropping, and saturations.

I’d love any tips, tricks, or advice for future photo shoots, so here I am on the interweb trying to get some opinions. Is that a bad idea? Eh, I’ll go for it anyway!