It seems to be all I talk about right? Contemplating normalcy, my own day to day existence. Wishing, and hoping for more to come, a break from all the normal I seem to be drowning in. Times like this are the ones that are the worst for my self worth. I start to feel as though I’ve come back to square one, again, for the umpteenth time, I am here. Wracking my brain for options and yet my mind is blank. Here I sit, taking down all of my woes in writing, continuing to be unheard and unseen for the weirdo that I am. All of this because I can’t seem to find my escape, and let me tell you, going nowhere is the difficult part. Going nowhere is more terrifying than anything else, because in going nowhere you know you will be trapped in the normalcy forever. All the years of being misunderstood, under appreciated, and frankly just ignored. All those years will come to mean nothing except more of the same. More of feeling voiceless, feeling lonely, feeling tired of it all. So here, I come back to talk about square one, talk about all of the daily normal that drowns out the individual voice, the cries are loud, maybe someday people will actually listen to them. In listening to them, maybe they will hear their own echos of the same feelings. I know breaking the mold is intimidating, but I know that we are better off breaking the mold together.
This may just seem like the anxiety ridden ravings of a young adult, but isn’t it what we are all thinking? I know we are constantly told that the opportunities for success are endless in this giant world. However, does it ever seem clear? We can see success, more specifically, we can watch others succeed. When it comes to ourselves though, all we can see is where we are now, we can imagine an ideal, we can even come up with a plan. It doesn’t mean though that success is imminent, it doesn’t mean we have life all figured out, and it certainly doesn’t mean we won’t fail.
The fear of failure, now that’s certainly something I am incredibly uncomfortable contemplating. When falling down that rabbit hole of a thought process, it’s important to remember that everyone starts somewhere, I’ve read enough self-help books to know what you should be thinking. It’s just that, that isn’t the natural process of thought for someone as anxious as I am when it comes to facing my own shortcomings and failures. The clock ticks loudly in my mind, it’s a bit of a mind fuck to feel like you’re constantly running at top speed, trying to get to some sort of finish line, only to find out that the finish line hasn’t even been crested yet. Your own version of reality is still as unclear as it was when you first started running. I see what I want though, I see it, I’m terrified of the possibility of complete failure. I’m scared that there isn’t any room for me to succeed in this crowded world. Other people are louder than me, they’re more willing to take risks, and they are better than me in so many ways. All of this still to say, that maybe it is time for me to take a risk. I may not succeed, and that idea is still just as terrifying as ever. If I decide to let my fear control me any longer though, I may drown in my own self pity. I wish someone had a clear answer, I wish someone could tell me exactly what to do to make sure everything turns out alright. Obviously, that is unrealistic, so I hope the opportunity to make the leap comes soon. With or without a life jacket, I am ready to find where life takes me, now that I finally want to live it.
Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.
Loneliness is not a punishment, but a necessary realization. Loneliness is meant to push you to believe in yourself, to understand that you are the only one who will ever be able to conquer your own reality. It’s unfortunate that loneliness is skewed, and demonized, so that anyone who feels alone, feels the instant need to fix it. Here in this time of loneliness, there is nothing for others to fix. Human beings may be social creatures, but the truths that you long to find are hidden within your own mind. Right now there is an incredibly important decision to make, will you demonize loneliness, or will you take the gift of human consciousness in stride? The ability to breath is one thing, the ability to create independent thought is something completely separate. It may not be easy to delve into yourself with no remorse, it may be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever choose to do. It may not seem like it now, but loneliness is a choice, loneliness is choosing individuality over the masses. It’s choosing to believe in the independence you were blessed with. Use your mind wisely, I’m willing to beg and plead in this age of mass media, of convenience, and of comfort, because individuality is lost here. No one chooses to take control of their own gifts, of their own thoughts. So here I am willing to beg and plead, choose the more difficult path, choose thought, choose reflection, choose to be your own living, breathing, thought provoking person. Don’t let the negativity around being alone give you a reason to conform to an ideal that may not exist, that may not lead to your individual happiness. Happiness is not achieved through the same means for any two people, and when that realization finally reaches you, you will be glad that you chose to be lonely temporarily. True connection is achieved after owning your individuality, your expression. Your amazingly unique self is meant to be expressed, meant to be known, flaunted even. It is amazing that so few recognize the importance of owning who you are. It isn’t following societal rules, it isn’t marching to the band, it isn’t being one of many that creates change. It is each person being recognized, sharing inherently different ideas, and different concepts of ideal that creates a new concept of what life is, and what life can be. Loneliness ultimately, is not being alone, loneliness is lacking inspiring conversation, lacking introspective thought, and ultimately lacking true connection. So when will you choose you, and stop allowing loneliness to shadow your individualism?
Feet will meet the ground only when you are willing to stand up. For a naive young traveler, this is the belief that drives them. Putting foot to ground, standing alone in a sea of confused and ignorant men. They hold their own path and put one foot in front of the other. Cradling something much more profound than mediocrity in their hands, desiring more and living for less. Materialism is not for the wanderer, it is not physical things that captivate their being, and possess their soul. It may seem self-righteous, or condescending, the path which these travelers take.
Seeming to be, and being are two very different things. The ideas and opinions you may have are held in your own right. However, these preconceived notions may blind you from the truth. The undeniable truth that these people, these wanderers, who stray away from the path set out for them are not better than anyone else, and I’m sure will never claim to be. There is simply a wall that they have been unable to tear down. One that keeps them from gaining human connection but allows them to see the impossibility of the world. To see every beautiful landscape, every sunny day, every tree, flower, or clover as something more than it’s appearance. The wheels are turning, the world is moving in some amazing way and it seems as though most people miss it. I feel it’s a shame that people are unable, or refuse to, grasp the magnitude of everything around them. Everything that has been untouched by human hands is tossed aside, where it should be celebrated, loved, and cared for. It should be cherished more than anything else. We live and breath the processes happening all around us, yet we show it no respect, no gratitude. All the secrets of creation lie within these landscapes, these ecosystems, these living things. Have most of us forgotten that they live and breath? It may be different than that of people, but does that make them less important, or more? The young, and possibly naive wanderer thinks of these things, and even more so feels them. The mysticism and magic of nature can not and will not escape them. It may set them apart, it may ostracize them from people who feel or think differently. Some may even call them strange, deranged, or moronic. The wanderer may feel that way without being told they are, simply because it is difficult to stand away from the crowd, to think and feel so fiercely oppositional to the rest of the ever growing civilized world. To stray from the normal, is to open yourself up to the extraordinary, it is allowing yourself to think, feel, and act on your true desires and passions. To become the person who could quite possibly find happiness, a happiness uninhabited by fear, by the urge to fit in, by the need to be valuable in a society that does not value you. You must put value in your individualism, in your capacity to think and feel so deeply for something outside yourself.
The weeping wanderer is the captive, the wanderer that has left their dreams behind in order to conform to a standard not meant for them. The naive young traveler has put foot to ground, and may be standing alone, but has a fire in their belly, and has put all notions of normalcy behind them. Hopeful for adventure, for freedom, and entranced by the natural world around them.
Naivety gets the best of you and for once things seem clear. What a joke it is to think you have life all figured out. Life is NOT meant to be easy, life IS meant to confuse you. It will never be clear or easy, that is also the beauty of our world. It may be the most infuriating aspect of your experience on this inexplainable planet. It is continuous. Saying that you’ve had enough does not squalor the world and it’s evolution around you and your soul. This evolution, this constant motion may cause nausea, it may cause pain, and it may cause an onset of intense emotion that you neither want nor expect. Regardless of all of these things this world has an expectation, it has an idea. This world wants, in the most unrelenting way, for you to live, to experience, and to strive. The wants and hopes of this world are what drive you to do and whether you take that for granted, whether you let that glimmer of purity push you forward, that is up to you. The responsibility and weight of that idea is overwhelming. It’s not only overwhelming, it is also hard for the conscious mind to believe, to have faith in. Take a step back and allow yourself to let go of all of the thoughts that crowd your mind, allow yourself to let go of society, of life outside of YOU. It’s funny that it is something that takes so much consideration, just to think of yourself for one moment. To stop all of the constant chatter that controls what you do and how you think. It isn’t important now, it isn’t important ever. We all have an incredible, amazing, and perfect life to lead, yet we allow ourselves to be caught up in the outside noise, in the seemingly inescapable loudness that surrounds us. Everyone here, caught up in this commotion, has a place. It is a matter of letting all of the outward sound go, it’s a matter of digging. It may be seen as selfish to choose to look that far into who you are meant to be, it may be seen as something to avoid, something to be afraid of. You have the glorious and ultimately freeing choice to continue on a path that revolves around you. It’s when you take yourself into consideration that you can find out how to not only except, but help others, build connections, and be the most productive and happy you.
Childish dreams and embracing imagination, you’re living in an alternate reality, boy. Don’t you just love the excitement, the freedom. You are your own Robin Hood, if only for now. If only for a few moments, embrace your dreams, live your fantasies because poor little Robin Hood, this world is not a place for you. This world, it persuades you to throw away a life of adventure. The subtle manipulation is something that you won’t even recognize. You are slowly taken away from whittling arrows, and hiding at the very tops of trees, waiting to loot corrupt nobleman coming through in horse drawn carriages. Slowly you are led to believe that these notions of adventure, selflessness, and justice, are but thoughts of an impressionable child. It’s a sad day, young Robin. There was so much potential in the things that many perceived as naive. Your transformation into adulthood should not be this way, the sacrifice is too much.
To think that it wasn’t even a conscious choice to leave your life of exploration and escapade behind. To think that your heart of gold, your leadership and your heroism was not cherished and honored by the world around you is disenchanting to say the least. You, dear Robin, have lost your way over time, you have been altered to the liking of a force outside of your control. There was once a flame burning behind your vibrant eyes, a sense of purpose that once seemed indestructible. You did not choose this reformation, you did not run away from your childhood musings. The common convention in this world is loud, the majority here has lost their vision of anything more than ordinary. It was a long time ago when the weight of this world pushed away the exceptional and made it seem unobtainable. Please remember Robin, please hold onto your heart of gold, your sense of justice, and your quest for truth. Just because being extraordinary may seem daunting, does not mean that you are unable to create your own reality. It does not take the majority to start a revolution, it takes one courageous and passionate little Robin to spark change.