Where all life’s experience exists
Every true genuine feeling is felt
In one little room
To say whether it’s negative or positive
Is not up to me
Clearly I’ve lost you
But then again you aren’t here
And whether or not that’s important
I don’t know
Maybe somehow I enjoy this space
The excuse for isolation
Here there is no pressure
Everyone is shut away
Until somehow it isn’t
Being with yourself too long is somehow
Not every moment is terrible
Being alone is not always, lonely
Sometimes it’s just thinking
Feeling and Being too
There is a melancholic comfort
In being alone
no need to convey my thinking
But then there’s ‘you’
Forcing me to acknowledge my discomfort, and discontent
Noticing my craving for connection
Wanting to escape this little room
You’ll show me how, won’t you?
Work, home, repeat. Leaving our minds behind and letting ourselves fall into a cycle of torment. Dealing with asshole bosses, rude customers, unruly coworkers, lewd comments, etc. Here we are trapped, with no end in site. You have to pay the bills don’t you? You have to keep moving in order to keep food on the table, and yet you are miserable the whole. Entire. Time. You think and think, what’s the solution, how do you get out of here. Planning and planning relentlessly, memorizing your most likely escape route. Yet, it still feels like you aren’t doing enough, nothing impactful is happening and you just feel screwed. Like the whole world was built to hurt, to degrade, to destroy. To take away hope, and love, and control. It’s a depressing reality that you just can’t except, so you try again, memorize a new escape, try so hard to figure out a way to get out quickly because everyday you are stuck in this cycle is another day that you feel closer to loosing who you are.
I’m frustrated, I’m lost, I’m miserable. I need something to let up, I can’t keep going from job to job that makes me feel worthless. I have a working mind, I have a million thoughts a minute and they’re all telling me that I need to find a way out. But, the pressure is too much, there is no easy escape. Hell, there isn’t even a guaranteed escape. The rest of my life could look exactly like this and if that isn’t terrifying I don’t know what is.
The moon is bright in the night sky with an unexplainable shine, lighting up the clouds that billow around it. It’s like a ceremony of sorts, preparing for the new. The clouds quite literally dancing around the effervescence of the moon. Calling to it and begging to get closer, just to have one more glance before they are forced to overshadow it’s brilliant light, light that fills up the darkness and claims it. No, it will not allow there to be complete darkness, at least not on this night. On this night, it is full and beautiful, it is prepared to fight against the forces that are determined to hide it. The sky is alive tonight. Truly alive, moving and breathing in it’s own way, in such a poetic way that it brings tears to my eyes. It is like seeing the world from a completely different perspective, this light is different, this light is raw and real. My perspective now is as if I am a group of atoms taking up space that is not meant to be mine. I am here, but I am simply occupying space that vibrates with life, life so much more profound than my own.
It’s cool light, a light completely unfazed by the material world and living a life completely its own. I am lucky enough to be here in this perfect moment, in this moment where the clouds open up perfectly around the moon, heeding to something other than the wind, not allowing themselves to give way to the path they are meant to take. I stand and I watch this dance, this movement of things that I know in my head are not alive, but in my heart I feel them dancing, I feel them proceeding with their own ceremony, a ceremony recognizing life and beauty and light. And as quickly as it started, the wind pushes the clouds over the moon, but the dancing doesn’t stop, the dancing won’t stop. The cycle will continue, the dance, the fight, the awe-inspiring light won’t be tamed, not tonight.
I continue to write, to think, and to breathe the wild. My heart soars in my daydreams and is crushed in reality. I feel this incessant ache in my chest when I think of the beauty that is out there and the beauty I have yet to see. How do I make my dreams a reality, how do I carry on in a world that rips my dreams away on a daily basis. Am I crazy, weird, or am I just unique? Everyone in this amazing world has dreams and aspirations, I’m willing to bet that everyone of them is different. Unfortunately that isn’t what societal conformity is all about, and sadly most individual voices will never be heard, or seen, or achieved. Being told that things are improbable, if not impossible, as you want them is deafening to the human psyche and will continue to destroy dreams until we decide to change our mindset on life and pursue what we love. Simply because we want to, not because it will be the most lucrative or ‘successful’. What else is success besides finding immense joy in life? Why do we waste time following a carbon copy of what we should be? Is it fear of the unknown? I know that I’m afraid, constantly, I’m afraid of what may become of this world, of the ecosystem, and of me. I wonder if there is a place for me here, will I be able to ever truly be happy, being who I am? Will I be able to live the crazy, amazing life that I dream of? It seems like nowadays all I do is dream. I long for a life that I don’t have, yet. The truth is though that I am drawn enough to this dream that I will either make it to that place, to that feeling or die trying. In these daydreams that I have, I feel shadows of an emotion that I have yet to experience completely and my drive comes solely from that. I absolutely need to experience that feeling completely. I need what I crave, this dream is an addiction, I find pieces of the feeling that I want so desperately in small things, day hikes, or a beautiful sunset, even birds chirping in the morning, a single tree that catches my eye. The feeling I crave is so easy to catch in small doses, but I need more, and it drives me to achieve. I need that joy and I will spend my whole life searching for it. I’m okay with that, excited for it. My real concern is, are you? Are you dreaming, hoping, achieving? Are you working for something you want or for something you are told to want? There is an unsurmountable difference between living for what you want and living for what you should want. Spend everyday questioning what you know and feel, and try to find the you that has been overshadowed. You will be very glad you did.
I’ve always loved that word. It sounds so rich, so strong. It encompasses a lot of who I am and who I always have been. I question, I don’t settle for the easy lie, nor the simple truth. I believe that the truth is never simple. It’s Never black or white, win or lose. This game we call life is full of ugly truths and beautifully crafted lies. The question is, what do we do about it? I know how I feel about life, about things, about society, and about nature. I know what grips my soul and makes me move forward, move toward something I find beautiful, something that is innately and insanely true. I choose to love completely, to see everything around me. I choose not to push the ugly things aside, but to understand them, to try to understand their place here in this life. There is immense pain in recognizing the ugly, the destruction, and the wanton waste all around us can. But amongst the pain is beauty, hidden by the bustle of daily life. There are waterfalls, mountains, trees, animals, and the sun. There is an immense amount of beauty there, beauty that’s thriving, and most people never even see it. While I stand in awe of this raw power and beauty, most drive right past. I stand in awe at the life that hasn’t been tainted by man’s greed or hunger for power. These go unseen by most, smothered by the intricately crafted lies that are loud, up front, and easy. The lies don’t require thought, or contemplation, just blank acceptance. What a shame it is that we think so little, feel so little, know so little. It’s a shame because compassion has been smothered by the deception. True beauty is holding on tight, but we sit idly by and allow it to be destroyed, numb to the cries of nature. Have we really gone this far, lost this much? Now we see nothing but dollar signs and smog, missing all of the truths chasing a facade. I think I can stop saying we now because I choose feeling, seeing, questioning, learning. I choose rebellion.
A true wanderer does not search for satiation, they search for freedom. For love and happiness that can not be found in the American Dream. The world will tell you no, it will refuse and refute your dreams, but hold onto them. Dig deep and cling on because you will not achieve happiness without freedom. As impossible as it feels, your freedom is a reality. Even more so your freedom is a movement. It’s inspiration, defiance, rebellion. Most importantly, it is hope.