It seems to be all I talk about right? Contemplating normalcy, my own day to day existence. Wishing, and hoping for more to come, a break from all the normal I seem to be drowning in. Times like this are the ones that are the worst for my self worth. I start to feel as though I’ve come back to square one, again, for the umpteenth time, I am here. Wracking my brain for options and yet my mind is blank. Here I sit, taking down all of my woes in writing, continuing to be unheard and unseen for the weirdo that I am. All of this because I can’t seem to find my escape, and let me tell you, going nowhere is the difficult part. Going nowhere is more terrifying than anything else, because in going nowhere you know you will be trapped in the normalcy forever. All the years of being misunderstood, under appreciated, and frankly just ignored. All those years will come to mean nothing except more of the same. More of feeling voiceless, feeling lonely, feeling tired of it all. So here, I come back to talk about square one, talk about all of the daily normal that drowns out the individual voice, the cries are loud, maybe someday people will actually listen to them. In listening to them, maybe they will hear their own echos of the same feelings. I know breaking the mold is intimidating, but I know that we are better off breaking the mold together.
Onto the newest idea, dream, journey. After constant pondering into what it is that makes me dissatisfied with the current state of life, I have decided it’s time to consider the possibility that the only thing holding me back is myself. The societal notion that there is only one way to live is ludicrous and simply not true. My average Joe job, my schedule that is constantly controlled by others, my lack of freedom. All of it has been created and reinforced by myself and societal norms. So, where do I go from here? What do I do?
I’m going to think, plan, and create the version of life that I so desperately strive for. It isn’t impossible to travel, to live, and to create an existence that you love all on your own. Throwing what I’ve been told is realistic out the window, I’m officially ready to crush any expectations others may have, I’m ready to start fresh with only one thing in mind. My life is my own creation and nothing is impossible. I will continue to work hard and get through each day, UNTIL getting through isn’t what the day is about. My life will be full of adventure, and it will someday be exactly what I dream of now.
This is a declaration to myself, I know I can accomplish much when I put my mind to it, and I know you all can too.
Work, home, repeat. Leaving our minds behind and letting ourselves fall into a cycle of torment. Dealing with asshole bosses, rude customers, unruly coworkers, lewd comments, etc. Here we are trapped, with no end in site. You have to pay the bills don’t you? You have to keep moving in order to keep food on the table, and yet you are miserable the whole. Entire. Time. You think and think, what’s the solution, how do you get out of here. Planning and planning relentlessly, memorizing your most likely escape route. Yet, it still feels like you aren’t doing enough, nothing impactful is happening and you just feel screwed. Like the whole world was built to hurt, to degrade, to destroy. To take away hope, and love, and control. It’s a depressing reality that you just can’t except, so you try again, memorize a new escape, try so hard to figure out a way to get out quickly because everyday you are stuck in this cycle is another day that you feel closer to loosing who you are.
I’m frustrated, I’m lost, I’m miserable. I need something to let up, I can’t keep going from job to job that makes me feel worthless. I have a working mind, I have a million thoughts a minute and they’re all telling me that I need to find a way out. But, the pressure is too much, there is no easy escape. Hell, there isn’t even a guaranteed escape. The rest of my life could look exactly like this and if that isn’t terrifying I don’t know what is.
My mind is off dreaming, imagining a world where I’m happy. Not just happy in certain moments, but happy most of the time. I get to do the things that I enjoy, I don’t have to waste countless hours making money just to survive. I can live, truly live without all of the bullshit. What an imagination I have, right? The reality is much more cruel, is much less idealistic and optimistic. The real world feels as though it’s designed to destroy any of the dreams I have. I keep moving, I keep trying, but things don’t seem to change at all. None of my ideas and dreams are any closer to fruition and I only have myself to blame. I blame myself for not knowing, not understanding, not finding a way. I blame myself for not being enough, not doing enough. Then again, where do I even start. To gain success you need to understand the system you are working with, and I’m not sure I will ever understand this. This life that we are ‘meant’ to lead, this boring, uninspiring, life that gets shoved down our throats. I’m exhausted, the boredom is utterly exhausting and I just wish things were different. Everyone knows though that wishes almost never come true, everyone knows that life is what it is, and there is only so much one person can do to change it. All I’m saying is that somehow, I’m still here, unmoving, and uninspired, but trying to pick myself up, away from this life that I’m ‘meant’ to lead. How long will I be able to try without getting anywhere? When does it become too painful to dream? I feel as though things would be much easier sometimes if I could resign to who I’m meant to be.
Niche – denoting or relating to products, services, or interests that appeal to a small, specialized section of the population.
Why in society are we expected, or made, to find a niche? Why do we have to denote and specialize ourselves into a single section of the population? This is where many people run into issues, it’s where people lose certain aspects of themselves, or at least push certain interests, and joys to the back burner. In order to pursue a single portion of themselves, and hope that they will be accepted there. The truth is, I have spent a lot of time searching for my niche, my specialized area. I have come to some sort of conclusion, one that I don’t necessarily like. Alas, it’s who I am, and who I am is uncategorized. I have so many different things that I love, things that I want out of life. Figuring out how to make those things happen, and how to profit off of them is nearly impossible so far, in this journey. I love drawing, writing, thinking, learning. I love science, and nature, travel and reading. It’s silly to me that having too many interests is something that I have to worry about. Something that isolates me, in a niche filled world. With social media blowing up so much and becoming a platform that in many ways rules the world, where is there room for us? The people stubbornly refusing to categorize themselves, and in doing so being left to explore their many passions alone. It’s overwhelming to have so many things to delve into, I can understand why it’s more appealing to look at a profile with structure, a feed with aesthetic appeal, etc. However, when we scroll through these endless pages of people perfectly categorized and looking so happy while living in their niche bubble, it makes us feel even more lost. With an even larger need to be found, to fit somewhere. When we fail, it hurts even more, knowing that others have succeeded, and do succeed in finding where they fit all of the time. I know that I spent, and continue to spend, a lot of time contemplating where it is that I may fit in this technological generation, where anything seems possible. And yet, it seems impossibly difficult to get anywhere, to find success, to find happiness, and to truly be allowed to enjoy life. Can you honestly say that you have a specific category that you fit into? I simply can’t justify pushing anything to the back burner because all of these interests are what make me, me. And ALL of them should have a chance to be pursued, to be shown to the world. I am unwilling to disguise myself and not share those things about me just because it doesn’t fit into a category. Being “nicheless” is exhausting in a society that excels in grouping people together, for better or for worse.
Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.
The weight of the world is so apparent now. There’s so much to discover and so little time to explore. Time gets taken up so quickly in this society, that is constantly in motion. Right now the sky is grey and the air, thick. It’s been a long time since the air has felt like this. My head is pounding, and the air, so claustrophobic. All of my fears about this life are making way to the front of my thoughts, ready to come out of their darkness and suffocate my mind, while the thick, wet air creeps into my lungs. Fear takes control of me, brings me to a place I try my damnedest not to go. I fear complacency, I fear ignorance, most of all I fear time. The clock ticks loudly in my head. I may be young, that doesn’t mean I have forever to waste. The routine I’ve become accustomed to is all wrong. It is ever apparent now, I feel the clock tick, the rest of the world moves while I stand still. I wonder if anyone else feels this way on overcast days, forced into a time of reflection and contemplation. Even though I have come to realize these days are necessary, they still feel cruel. Here I am living the life I once told myself I would avoid at all costs. How would I change it, how would I escape successfully? When would I be able to leave this behind? God knows I am itching to. I’ve been walking through daily life without happiness and haven’t even realized it. Until now. The little weekly adventures have been enough to keep me complacent. The reality that there are responsibilities in being a living, breathing, person, are obvious. And still, the only thing that I can think is why? Why do these responsibilities have to suck the happiness out of living? I know somewhere in my head, heart, and soul, that it doesn’t have to be this way. However, here and now, on this overcast day, the weight of my existence, the weight of my happiness, and knowing that it isn’t being achieved, is ever apparent. The determination to keep trying is for tomorrow, today I allow the fear, and sadness to come to the front of my mind. This day is a reminder that I still have so much to fight for, true happiness is achievable in the most innocent and pure way.
Here’s to refusing to admit defeat.