Overcast

The weight of the world is so apparent now. There’s so much to discover and so little time to explore. Time gets taken up so quickly in this society, that is constantly in motion. Right now the sky is grey and the air, thick. It’s been a long time since the air has felt like this. My head is pounding, and the air, so claustrophobic. All of my fears about this life are making way to the front of my thoughts, ready to come out of their darkness and suffocate my mind, while the thick, wet air creeps into my lungs. Fear takes control of me, brings me to a place I try my damnedest not to go. I fear complacency, I fear ignorance, most of all I fear time. The clock ticks loudly in my head. I may be young, that doesn’t mean I have forever to waste. The routine I’ve become accustomed to is all wrong. It is ever apparent now, I feel the clock tick, the rest of the world moves while I stand still. I wonder if anyone else feels this way on overcast days, forced into a time of reflection and contemplation. Even though I have come to realize these days are necessary, they still feel cruel. Here I am living the life I once told myself I would avoid at all costs. How would I change it, how would I escape successfully? When would I be able to leave this behind? God knows I am itching to. I’ve been walking through daily life without happiness and haven’t even realized it. Until now. The little weekly adventures have been enough to keep me complacent. The reality that there are responsibilities in being a living, breathing, person, are obvious. And still, the only thing that I can think is why? Why do these responsibilities have to suck the happiness out of living? I know somewhere in my head, heart, and soul, that it doesn’t have to be this way. However, here and now, on this overcast day, the weight of my existence, the weight of my happiness, and knowing that it isn’t being achieved, is ever apparent. The determination to keep trying is for tomorrow, today I allow the fear, and sadness to come to the front of my mind. This day is a reminder that I still have so much to fight for, true happiness is achievable in the most innocent and pure way.

 Here’s to refusing to admit defeat.

Weeping Wanderer

Feet will meet the ground only when you are willing to stand up. For a naive young traveler, this is the belief that drives them. Putting foot to ground, standing alone in a sea of confused and ignorant men. They hold their own path and put one foot in front of the other. Cradling something much more profound than mediocrity in their hands, desiring more and living for less. Materialism is not for the wanderer, it is not physical things that captivate their being, and possess their soul. It may seem self-righteous, or condescending, the path which these travelers take. 

Seeming to be, and being are two very different things. The ideas and opinions you may have are held in your own right. However, these preconceived notions may blind you from the truth. The undeniable truth that these people, these wanderers, who stray away from the path set out for them are not better than anyone else, and I’m sure will never claim to be. There is simply a wall that they have been unable to tear down. One that keeps them from gaining human connection but allows them to see the impossibility of the world. To see every beautiful landscape, every sunny day, every tree, flower, or clover as something more than it’s appearance. The wheels are turning, the world is moving in some amazing way and it seems as though most people miss it. I feel it’s a shame that people are unable, or refuse to, grasp the magnitude of everything around them. Everything that has been untouched by human hands is tossed aside, where it should be celebrated, loved, and cared for. It should be cherished more than anything else. We live and breath the processes happening all around us, yet we show it no respect, no gratitude. All the secrets of creation lie within these landscapes, these ecosystems, these living things. Have most of us forgotten that they live and breath? It may be different than that of people, but does that make them less important, or more? The young, and possibly naive wanderer thinks of these things, and even more so feels them. The mysticism and magic of nature can not and will not escape them. It may set them apart, it may ostracize them from people who feel or think differently. Some may even call them strange, deranged, or moronic. The wanderer may feel that way without being told they are, simply because it is difficult to stand away from the crowd, to think and feel so fiercely oppositional to the rest of the ever growing civilized world. To stray from the normal, is to open yourself up to the extraordinary, it is allowing yourself to think, feel, and act on your true desires and passions. To become the person who could quite possibly find happiness, a happiness uninhabited by fear, by the urge to fit in, by the need to be valuable in a society that does not value you. You must put value in your individualism, in your capacity to think and feel so deeply for something outside yourself. 

The weeping wanderer is the captive, the wanderer that has left their dreams behind in order to conform to a standard not meant for them. The naive young traveler has put foot to ground, and may be standing alone, but has a fire in their belly, and has put all notions of normalcy behind them. Hopeful for adventure, for freedom, and entranced by the natural world around them. 

Words that I never thought I’d find.

All my life I’ve lacked connection, I’ve lacked communication, and I’ve bubbled away at the surface searching for the right words, what it is that I knew I needed to say but couldn’t. Needing to communicate my thoughts in a way that made sense to others. I would eventually go bonkers from the innate lack of connection. 

It has taken me 19 years and I’m sure it will take me 19 more to finally be able to express who I am with words. How I take precious moments in and need to know if anyone else feels the same. If anyone else can take one moment and romanticize it, make it even more beautiful in your mind. Allow yourself to sit and see the details of all of the things around you and find yourself gasping as you take it in. It can be an amazing world if you look at things this way. It can be magical in an individualized sense that just baffles me. 

When I was younger magic used to be all that I wanted to think about. In the worst way I wanted to be a superhero, a witch, or even a mermaid. I wanted to see ‘real’ magic…. getting disappointed time and time again, trying in vain to control water or move things with my mind. I got my hopes up every time. Thinking that I had to be different, I had to be special, there was no other explanation for why I had so few people who understood me. Now as I’ve grown, I come to see real magic, real light, and real life. Slowly but surely I’m finding my way into the woods, instead of trying so hard to get out. Running away from yourself is terribly painful and ridiculously unnecessary. I’ve spent all my time moving away from who I was and pushing thoughts aside, trying to be someone more ‘normal’. But, normal is a concept that doesn’t make sense in the world, in our world. Everyone has a different version of normal created in their own head and through their own lives. Who’s to say that any of us should strive to meet that standard, who’s to say that we aren’t all a little crazy, wasting time searching for normalcy. True happiness and freedom stem from a lack of normalcy, at least in my life it does. It may have taken a long time to learn all of the things that I write about now but I am so thankful that I have. I’m thankful for my thoughts, and my perspective. I wouldn’t want to be normal, not anymore. Now I continue to search for the magic in life, I find new awe inspiring moments every single day and for that I will always be grateful, always be proud, and always be eager for more. 

Pleading to Stay

You may question how you became an outsider in this place. How you lost the ability to speak this language. Now all you can do is watch this perfect symphony and allow the meaning to escape you. What a shame it is that you will always be an outsider. After all of this begging and pleading you can’t even understand, you can’t even tell if they’re calling you to stay. The feeling is there and you know in your heart that it isn’t the answer that you wanted. They’re telling you that you will always be a visitor. The wild may be in your heart and soul but this is no longer your place. Human kind is no longer adapt for the cruel beauty of the place, and it hurts. Convenience has lost us more than we will choose to comprehend. We lost our wisdom, our knowledge, and our truth. So what is it that we do? What is it that defines us? Do we wait for our loss against humanity? Or do we fight against our own incompetence? Do we spend every day fighting for a life that isn’t ours? I want to fight to see our world as we know it thriving. We have so much promise, so much that we could do. I know I have a long way to go. I know that I can achieve all of the goals that I set forth. I am present, I am opinionated, I am ready to take a stand and say that I love the natural beauty of this world and I am absolutely not ready to see it come to an end. So we can sit here and watch our world destroy itself through impossible means or we can listen to what our hearts and souls tell us. Fight for life, fight for control and most importantly fight for freedom against whoever tells you that your dreams can’t come true. 

Madmans Hike

Looking at the ground with a desire. No, an urge, to take but a glance at the world above. Knowing that there must be something growing from these roots you’re watching. Understanding that you mustn’t look up, the plan is to move, keep going, one foot in front of the other, there is no going back and no looking up. There is only the ground which you walk on and the ground ahead, because you know that if you look up there will be no desire to move forward.  Time will lay still as soon as you take your eyes from the rock, root, and soil. The magic of your surroundings will no longer be allowed to escape you, and staying put is not an option here, not on this mad mans hike. 

At 1:43 AM

The moon is bright in the night sky with an unexplainable shine, lighting up the clouds that billow around it. It’s like a ceremony of sorts, preparing for the new. The clouds quite literally dancing around the effervescence of the moon. Calling to it and begging to get closer, just to have one more glance before they are forced to overshadow it’s brilliant light, light that fills up the darkness and claims it. No, it will not allow there to be complete darkness, at least not on this night. On this night, it is full and beautiful, it is prepared to fight against the forces that are determined to hide it. The sky is alive tonight. Truly alive, moving and breathing in it’s own way, in such a poetic way that it brings tears to my eyes. It is like seeing the world from a completely different perspective, this light is different, this light is raw and real. My perspective now is as if I am a group of atoms taking up space that is not meant to be mine. I am here, but I am simply occupying space that vibrates with life, life so much more profound than my own. 

It’s cool light, a light completely unfazed by the material world and living a life completely its own. I am lucky enough to be here in this perfect moment, in this moment where the clouds open up perfectly around the moon, heeding to something other than the wind, not allowing themselves to give way to the path they are meant to take. I stand and I watch this dance, this movement of things that I know in my head are not alive, but in my heart I feel them dancing, I feel them proceeding with their own ceremony, a ceremony recognizing life and beauty and light. And as quickly as it started, the wind pushes the clouds over the moon, but the dancing doesn’t stop, the dancing won’t stop. The cycle will continue, the dance, the fight, the awe-inspiring light won’t be tamed, not tonight.

Melancholy Heart

I continue to write, to think, and to breathe the wild. My heart soars in my daydreams and is crushed in reality. I feel this incessant ache in my chest when I think of the beauty that is out there and the beauty I have yet to see. How do I make my dreams a reality, how do I carry on in a world that rips my dreams away on a daily basis. Am I crazy, weird, or am I just unique? Everyone in this amazing world has dreams and aspirations, I’m willing to bet that everyone of them is different. Unfortunately that isn’t what societal conformity is all about, and sadly most individual voices will never be heard, or seen, or achieved. Being told that things are improbable, if not impossible, as you want them is deafening to the human psyche and will continue to destroy dreams until we decide to change our mindset on life and pursue what we love. Simply because we want to, not because it will be the most lucrative or ‘successful’. What else is success besides finding immense joy in life? Why do we waste time following a carbon copy of what we should be? Is it fear of the unknown? I know that I’m afraid, constantly, I’m afraid of what may become of this world, of the ecosystem, and of me. I wonder if there is a place for me here, will I be able to ever truly be happy, being who I am? Will I be able to live the crazy, amazing life that I dream of? It seems like nowadays all I do is dream. I long for a life that I don’t have, yet. The truth is though that I am drawn enough to this dream that I will either make it to that place, to that feeling or die trying. In these daydreams that I have, I feel shadows of an emotion that I have yet to experience completely and my drive comes solely from that. I absolutely need to experience that feeling completely. I need what I crave, this dream is an addiction, I find pieces of the feeling that I want so desperately in small things, day hikes, or a beautiful sunset, even birds chirping in the morning, a single tree that catches my eye. The feeling I crave is so easy to catch in small doses, but I need more, and it drives me to achieve. I need that joy and I will spend my whole life searching for it. I’m okay with that, excited for it. My real concern is, are you? Are you dreaming, hoping, achieving? Are you working for something you want or for something you are told to want? There is an unsurmountable difference between living for what you want and living for what you should want. Spend everyday questioning what you know and feel, and try to find the you that has been overshadowed. You will be very glad you did.