Figuring out life, Why you shouldn’t try it.

Being young and naive, it is easy for me to fall into the mind altering trap that is, ‘figuring your shit out’. However, this has recently led me into a loop of thoughts that create unwarranted anxiety in my person. Which is…. frustrating, to say the least. A lot has been changing lately, and we have all been forced to think, on our own, a lot. Which again, can get maddening. I’ve come to the conclusion, that even though, we as humans are predisposed to think ahead, there are reasons not to think too much about what we should be doing and how we should be doing it.

Life is a rollercoaster, ups and downs, and spin arounds. Having an idea of your ideal is important. If there isn’t a vision there isn’t anything to achieve. The notion of having ‘your shit together’ or ‘it all figured out’, is merely a misconception in and of itself. One that after being repeated throughout your life over and over again, just becomes more daunting, and chalked full of negative stress. My point is, that we all have a life to live, one life to be exact, and even though having a purpose and goals gives us a positive sense of self, it can also lead to lots and lots of lost time. I think most of us spend more time thinking about what’s next, rather than enjoying the current state of things. My goal from now on is to take extra care in remembering that, although I have goals and am excited to reach them, I still experience joy and contentedness in specific moments each day. Taking extra care in feeling and experiencing those moments is something that I look forward to. Reading a good book, enjoying a beautiful day, hiking, swimming, companionship. All of the things we so obviously take for granted in our day to day lives. Here’s to being a human, a human being, one that is excited for the future. Even though I don’t have it all figured out.

Thanks for Listening

 

Quarantine Bliss-ter

So this level of quarantining has been overwhelming to say the least. Now the world will be slowly moving again. I have definitely taken for granted some of the great things that have come out of this forced stagnancy. I have had TIME, for once since starting my adult life I have had time to go outside, draw, create, and learn. While I can’t say I have taken full advantage of this period of forced unemployment. I can say it has been enlightening, unfortunately it is only now, when everything is returning to normal. That I, am truly able to feel the bliss that comes with all of this time. I am excited though, to implement new daily rituals, rituals that I hope, will make the most of MY time. The possession of such a precious thing has gone unnoticed too long. There are so many things to do and enjoy and learn. Why we waste so much, I have no idea. I am guilty of binge watching a tv show for a full day, I am guilty of wasting, probably more than most. However, I notice the guilt, feel it, in all of its harsh reality. Time is a finite source for us, all of us moving around the globe. Time, or the lack there of, is something that we fear. And while fear can be a motivator, it isn’t the one I think we should be focusing on. It takes out enjoyment, it introduces too much complexity in our minds. When there is already so much complexity apart from ourselves, that is just begging to be noticed. It’s yet another thing I think we all take for granted. Don’t forget the feeling of time, don’t let time passing scare you, just make sure you spend it wisely.

Thanks for listening.

Another Ode to the daily grind

It seems to be all I talk about right? Contemplating normalcy, my own day to day existence. Wishing, and hoping for more to come, a break from all the normal I seem to be drowning in. Times like this are the ones that are the worst for my self worth. I start to feel as though I’ve come back to square one, again, for the umpteenth time, I am here. Wracking my brain for options and yet my mind is blank. Here I sit, taking down all of my woes in writing, continuing to be unheard and unseen for the weirdo that I am. All of this because I can’t seem to find my escape, and let me tell you, going nowhere is the difficult part. Going nowhere is more terrifying than anything else, because in going nowhere you know you will be trapped in the normalcy forever. All the years of being misunderstood, under appreciated, and frankly just ignored. All those years will come to mean nothing except more of the same. More of feeling voiceless, feeling lonely, feeling tired of it all. So here, I come back to talk about square one, talk about all of the daily normal that drowns out the individual voice, the cries are loud, maybe someday people will actually listen to them. In listening to them, maybe they will hear their own echos of the same feelings. I know breaking the mold is intimidating, but I know that we are better off breaking the mold together.

Weeping Wanderer

Feet will meet the ground only when you are willing to stand up. For a naive young traveler, this is the belief that drives them. Putting foot to ground, standing alone in a sea of confused and ignorant men. They hold their own path and put one foot in front of the other. Cradling something much more profound than mediocrity in their hands, desiring more and living for less. Materialism is not for the wanderer, it is not physical things that captivate their being, and possess their soul. It may seem self-righteous, or condescending, the path which these travelers take. 

Seeming to be, and being are two very different things. The ideas and opinions you may have are held in your own right. However, these preconceived notions may blind you from the truth. The undeniable truth that these people, these wanderers, who stray away from the path set out for them are not better than anyone else, and I’m sure will never claim to be. There is simply a wall that they have been unable to tear down. One that keeps them from gaining human connection but allows them to see the impossibility of the world. To see every beautiful landscape, every sunny day, every tree, flower, or clover as something more than it’s appearance. The wheels are turning, the world is moving in some amazing way and it seems as though most people miss it. I feel it’s a shame that people are unable, or refuse to, grasp the magnitude of everything around them. Everything that has been untouched by human hands is tossed aside, where it should be celebrated, loved, and cared for. It should be cherished more than anything else. We live and breath the processes happening all around us, yet we show it no respect, no gratitude. All the secrets of creation lie within these landscapes, these ecosystems, these living things. Have most of us forgotten that they live and breath? It may be different than that of people, but does that make them less important, or more? The young, and possibly naive wanderer thinks of these things, and even more so feels them. The mysticism and magic of nature can not and will not escape them. It may set them apart, it may ostracize them from people who feel or think differently. Some may even call them strange, deranged, or moronic. The wanderer may feel that way without being told they are, simply because it is difficult to stand away from the crowd, to think and feel so fiercely oppositional to the rest of the ever growing civilized world. To stray from the normal, is to open yourself up to the extraordinary, it is allowing yourself to think, feel, and act on your true desires and passions. To become the person who could quite possibly find happiness, a happiness uninhabited by fear, by the urge to fit in, by the need to be valuable in a society that does not value you. You must put value in your individualism, in your capacity to think and feel so deeply for something outside yourself. 

The weeping wanderer is the captive, the wanderer that has left their dreams behind in order to conform to a standard not meant for them. The naive young traveler has put foot to ground, and may be standing alone, but has a fire in their belly, and has put all notions of normalcy behind them. Hopeful for adventure, for freedom, and entranced by the natural world around them. 

Young Robin Hood

Childish dreams and embracing imagination, you’re living in an alternate reality, boy. Don’t you just love the excitement, the freedom. You are your own Robin Hood, if only for now. If only for a few moments, embrace your dreams, live your fantasies because poor little Robin Hood, this world is not a place for you. This world, it persuades you to throw away a life of adventure. The subtle manipulation is something that you won’t even recognize. You are slowly taken away from whittling arrows, and hiding at the very tops of trees, waiting to loot corrupt nobleman coming through in horse drawn carriages. Slowly you are led to believe that these notions of adventure, selflessness, and justice, are but thoughts of an impressionable child. It’s a sad day, young Robin. There was so much potential in the things that many perceived as naive. Your transformation into adulthood should not be this way, the sacrifice is too much. 

To think that it wasn’t even a conscious choice to leave your life of exploration and escapade behind. To think that your heart of gold, your leadership and your heroism was not cherished and honored by the world around you is disenchanting to say the least. You, dear Robin, have lost your way over time, you have been altered to the liking of a force outside of your control. There was once a flame burning behind your vibrant eyes, a sense of purpose that once seemed indestructible. You did not choose this reformation, you did not run away from your childhood musings. The common convention in this world is loud, the majority here has lost their vision of anything more than ordinary. It was a long time ago when the weight of this world pushed away the exceptional and made it seem unobtainable. Please remember Robin, please hold onto your heart of gold, your sense of justice, and your quest for truth. Just because being extraordinary may seem daunting, does not mean that you are unable to create your own reality. It does not take the majority to start a revolution, it takes one courageous and passionate little Robin to spark change. 

At 1:43 AM

The moon is bright in the night sky with an unexplainable shine, lighting up the clouds that billow around it. It’s like a ceremony of sorts, preparing for the new. The clouds quite literally dancing around the effervescence of the moon. Calling to it and begging to get closer, just to have one more glance before they are forced to overshadow it’s brilliant light, light that fills up the darkness and claims it. No, it will not allow there to be complete darkness, at least not on this night. On this night, it is full and beautiful, it is prepared to fight against the forces that are determined to hide it. The sky is alive tonight. Truly alive, moving and breathing in it’s own way, in such a poetic way that it brings tears to my eyes. It is like seeing the world from a completely different perspective, this light is different, this light is raw and real. My perspective now is as if I am a group of atoms taking up space that is not meant to be mine. I am here, but I am simply occupying space that vibrates with life, life so much more profound than my own. 

It’s cool light, a light completely unfazed by the material world and living a life completely its own. I am lucky enough to be here in this perfect moment, in this moment where the clouds open up perfectly around the moon, heeding to something other than the wind, not allowing themselves to give way to the path they are meant to take. I stand and I watch this dance, this movement of things that I know in my head are not alive, but in my heart I feel them dancing, I feel them proceeding with their own ceremony, a ceremony recognizing life and beauty and light. And as quickly as it started, the wind pushes the clouds over the moon, but the dancing doesn’t stop, the dancing won’t stop. The cycle will continue, the dance, the fight, the awe-inspiring light won’t be tamed, not tonight.

Melancholy Heart

I continue to write, to think, and to breathe the wild. My heart soars in my daydreams and is crushed in reality. I feel this incessant ache in my chest when I think of the beauty that is out there and the beauty I have yet to see. How do I make my dreams a reality, how do I carry on in a world that rips my dreams away on a daily basis. Am I crazy, weird, or am I just unique? Everyone in this amazing world has dreams and aspirations, I’m willing to bet that everyone of them is different. Unfortunately that isn’t what societal conformity is all about, and sadly most individual voices will never be heard, or seen, or achieved. Being told that things are improbable, if not impossible, as you want them is deafening to the human psyche and will continue to destroy dreams until we decide to change our mindset on life and pursue what we love. Simply because we want to, not because it will be the most lucrative or ‘successful’. What else is success besides finding immense joy in life? Why do we waste time following a carbon copy of what we should be? Is it fear of the unknown? I know that I’m afraid, constantly, I’m afraid of what may become of this world, of the ecosystem, and of me. I wonder if there is a place for me here, will I be able to ever truly be happy, being who I am? Will I be able to live the crazy, amazing life that I dream of? It seems like nowadays all I do is dream. I long for a life that I don’t have, yet. The truth is though that I am drawn enough to this dream that I will either make it to that place, to that feeling or die trying. In these daydreams that I have, I feel shadows of an emotion that I have yet to experience completely and my drive comes solely from that. I absolutely need to experience that feeling completely. I need what I crave, this dream is an addiction, I find pieces of the feeling that I want so desperately in small things, day hikes, or a beautiful sunset, even birds chirping in the morning, a single tree that catches my eye. The feeling I crave is so easy to catch in small doses, but I need more, and it drives me to achieve. I need that joy and I will spend my whole life searching for it. I’m okay with that, excited for it. My real concern is, are you? Are you dreaming, hoping, achieving? Are you working for something you want or for something you are told to want? There is an unsurmountable difference between living for what you want and living for what you should want. Spend everyday questioning what you know and feel, and try to find the you that has been overshadowed. You will be very glad you did. 

Rebellion

Rebellion

I’ve always loved that word. It sounds so rich, so strong. It encompasses a lot of who I am and who I always have been. I question, I don’t settle for the easy lie, nor the simple truth. I believe that the truth is never simple. It’s Never black or white, win or lose. This game we call life is full of ugly truths and beautifully crafted lies. The question is, what do we do about it? I know how I feel about life, about things, about society, and about nature. I know what grips my soul and makes me move forward, move toward something I find beautiful, something that is innately and insanely true. I choose to love completely, to see everything around me. I choose not to push the ugly things aside, but to understand them, to try to understand their place here in this life. There is immense pain in recognizing the ugly, the destruction, and the wanton waste all around us can.  But amongst the pain is beauty, hidden by the bustle of daily life. There are waterfalls, mountains, trees, animals, and the sun. There is an immense amount of beauty there, beauty that’s thriving, and most people never even see it. While I stand in awe of this raw power and beauty, most drive right past. I stand in awe at the life that hasn’t been tainted by man’s greed or hunger for power. These go unseen by most, smothered by the intricately crafted lies that are loud, up front, and easy. The lies don’t require thought, or contemplation, just blank acceptance. What a shame it is that we think so little, feel so little, know so little. It’s a shame because compassion has been smothered by the deception. True beauty is holding on tight, but we sit idly by and allow it to be destroyed, numb to the cries of nature. Have we really gone this far, lost this much? Now we see nothing but dollar signs and smog, missing all of the truths chasing a facade. I think I can stop saying we now because I choose feeling, seeing, questioning, learning. I choose rebellion.

Wanderer

A true wanderer does not search for satiation, they search for freedom. For love and happiness that can not be found in the American Dream. The world will tell you no, it will refuse and refute your dreams, but hold onto them. Dig deep and cling on because you will not achieve happiness without freedom. As impossible as it feels, your freedom is a reality. Even more so your freedom is a movement. It’s inspiration, defiance, rebellion. Most importantly, it is hope.