PS. Sorry for being MIA, it really is that time of year. I dyed my hair red, went into hibernation, and have yet to find a way to drag myself out. If anyone has any tips or pointers on staying happy in the freezing cold, I could really use any advice. Thanks for stopping by.
You brave soldier have dedicated your life to a pursuit of freedom and for that I am grateful. You have made yourself a target and proudly honored your flag. What a disturbance it is to see that you aren’t taken care of after your valiance.
I have members of my family who have served, and it has been engrained in me to respect and appreciate those who are willing to do so.
However, I do not have to respect and appreciate a government that has so often cast loyal veterans aside. A government that doesn’t invest enough into soldiers acclimation back into a civil society, and a government that documents a soldiers worth off of how long they serve, or how tough they are both mentally and physically. Strength comes from those willing to accept and work on their weaknesses, the military does a great job of hardening individuals, making them more machine than human being.
Like I said, I have family members who have served, and my uncle passed this year, not from Covid or from war. I believe it was a slow degradation of the mind and spirit post-service. It lead to health issues that may have been too difficult for him to handle. The truth is I don’t know for sure how it happened, or when it started. We had always been incredibly close even though we didn’t talk as much in the past 8 years or so… We had a bond that I didn’t think needed confirmation, but I still wish he would’ve called more, I wish I would’ve called more. I wish I managed to take more trips to see him. It was always in the plan, I was going to take a road trip across the US and I would stay in Texas with him for a month or so, just to catch up, have fun, and talk for the first time as adults. I would get some advice about life, and I would listen to anything he wanted to get off of his chest. We would rekindle our friendship and drink a bunch of beer, take a few shots of whiskey. I’d leave with the promise of coming back to visit soon.
34 years was not long enough, and I wish he would’ve been better taken care of because even though he loved and respected the military, it doesn’t seem that that feeling was reciprocated. In that way, the cost was a life, it was quality of life for years, and now it’s the absence of one. And quite frankly that makes me angry.
It also makes me angry that my grandfather served in Vietnam, he went through absolute and total hell, and left with two Purple Hearts. The answer through all of the physical ailments and PTSD was opiates, and is to this day. Therapy doesn’t work as it is in the VA, trauma takes patience and years of diligence, yet once you’re done serving the operative is to get them out of your hair.
So yes, I respect, appreciate, and love the veterans of my country but, will we start taking care of them as they deserve to be taken care of?
I’ve never been one for Birthdays, not my own at least. Whenever this time of year rolls around, I go through the ‘normal’ thought process. I question mortality, my life, and assess what I’ve done in a year.
The truth is though, that I feel somewhat fulfilled with this years progress, even though it’s 2020 the year of absolute shit storms.
It doesn’t seem that I’ve gotten very far on the surface but, I am working towards my dreams, I have gained self-confidence (even if it doesn’t seem like it). Basically, I’ve become a totally different person in a year, I’ve come closer to who I’m meant to be, I’ve let go of a lot of baggage, and I’ve become overall happier. Not to say I don’t have my dark days, not to say that I don’t still get anxious and overwhelmed, and not to say that I’m the perfect image of a stable person. For me though, progress has definitely come.
So I’m not sure if I’ll be super excited when my birthday rolls around next week, it is after all just another day but, I am going to take a moment to be proud of who I’ve become. I’m going to take a moment to visualize what I want for this next year, and I’m going to try pretty hard not to get stuck in thoughts of impending doom, and mortality. I have plenty of other days to think about that, hopefully.
All of my ideas, and visions for the future swirling around and altering themselves in seconds. I suppose that’s just how life goes, especially when you have so many interests, ideas, and missions. It’s interesting to feel so motivated in so many different areas of life. Maybe, just maybe, that’s why I always quit too soon. I have an issue where once I get an idea, it becomes a montage of dozens, all with equal importance in my mind.
Taking things one step at a time is difficult when everything seems so dire, and interesting. I know I talk about my own thought processes often, but I find that it’s easier to hold onto my motivation when I do. I know that I have things to do, sometimes I just allow myself to forget. Writing this down, and occasionally looking back on it helps keep my shit together, to be perfectly honest. I can’t help but plead with you, plead with myself too, in order to keep holding myself accountable.
I often wonder if anyone is really listening, or if anyone really cares. I always come back though, to the idea that I have no reason to question that, I am fulfilling something for myself, and that’s okay too. I feel as though, society pushes people away from themselves. Everything that society is, a conglomerate of individuals if you will. When people are pushed together, sometimes it’s difficult for them to remain separate entities, they may remain in title themselves but, in everything else they are an ant to a colony, a bee to a hive, all serving a queen. It’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?
From what I’ve noticed, most of the people blogging, and/or creating, are holding onto their individualism more than most. Maybe, just maybe, we are the people clinging onto ourselves, and saying screw you to those who judge us for it. This is why I continue to create, clinging onto the idea that we are all trying to stay, and be, very much ourselves.
As I’ve been thinking about new video content I could upload, an idea popped up about educational videos. Videos about specific areas of huge companies, bringing in billions a year, and how it can affect our lives.
It’s something I’ve always questioned, and had an interest in, but I have never taken the time to learn about it. Last night, I went into research about the top 7 US companies, their revenue, employment rates, and what they are. I was interested to find that 6th is Berkshire Hathaway, run by Warren Buffett. Even more interesting was that 7th is, United Health Group bringing in 242,155,000 in 2020 so far.
This morning, as soon as I checked my phone, an article popped up about the US government starting a lawsuit against Google through antitrust laws. The government is claiming that multiple US tech corporations are holding a monopoly over their respective industries. This makes innovation and competition nearly impossible, and I’m excited to see where all this goes, even though it could take over a decade to come to a close.
Anyway, as far as video content goes, there are endless possibilities surrounding faulty/shady business practices… I wonder if people would find it interesting to hear about some of the information that is available surrounding this. It’s a lot different from anything I had planned for content, but honestly I think it’s important to have access to this kind of information, and even more important that I educate myself on some of these things. I have always been opposed to giant corporations, but I would never any factual basis on why, it’s always just been a feeling. A feeling that these corporations don’t have the individuals working under them at heart, and they certainly don’t want competition, or innovation, if they aren’t the ones headlining it.
So what do you guys think? I know it would be drastically different from what I normally talk about, and it is pretty overwhelming because there is so much to sift through but it may be a new project, that I can really put my mind to. Always keeping myself busy it seems.
So Columbus Day has come and gone but I am wondering if there’s a common consensus. Does everyone know what Columbus actually did? Does everyone know how detrimental he was to whole population? How he raped, pillaged, enslaved, and murdered… To me that isn’t someone to celebrate.
The whole history of the United States is skewed and the truth is only recently coming into the light, as the books we read in public school are so biased. All written by a rich white man, who was in the position of power, following a line of oppression, and willing to exploit humans to help themselves.
Adolph Hitler himself stated that some of his inspiration for genocide came from the United States. A fascist, who killed millions, said he gained inspiration from explorers coming to an inhabited land, and ripping it away from those who had settled on it. It truly is disgusting to me that we continue to ignore what it is that we have done. Maybe not us specifically, but as a ‘culture’ we celebrate someone who destroyed an indiscriminate amount of lives.
It isn’t just about Columbus, it’s about the American perspective, it’s about our lack of knowledge, and understanding. It’s about the wrongful information we receive, in order to better fit the narrative. We are fooled into thinking our country is great. When in fact, our country could be great, we could be compassionate, empathetic, and helpful to others. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s something we can do until we acknowledge our past for what it truly is.
There is, of course, room for human error, as those in the past are just as human as we are now, and we all make mistakes. Mass murder is not something to be taken lightly. That isn’t a simple lapse in judgement. Columbus set out, commissioned by Spain to find gold. To make money, and when he found ‘savages’ (which is just ridiculous, as they had more knowledge in many areas, and had created a predominately peaceful way of life), he decided to exploit them for all they were worth, putting them in chains, forcing them to change their beliefs. Destroying not only the people themselves, but their culture as well.
John is able to elicit emotion through words more eloquently than anyone I’ve ever known. I’ve found his words sometimes haunting, sometimes consoling, hopeful, and dark. The contradiction shadowed only by the truth of it. There are moments of triumph, moments of defeat, and most importantly millions of little moments in between, that can only be captured by a true poet. Someone who feels completely, and knows that words can become a gateway to human connection.
I thought I would share here, one of his pieces, accompanied by a few of my own works, I hope you’ll consider reading some of his other beautiful poems at https://woodsydotblog.wordpress.com
I saw your face this morning –
something I needed,
outside of it all.
I reached out,
years too late to feel your skin,
and felt the echoes of your spirit.
it is the shadows
and empty spaces
that push me forward –
a ride or a dance or a dream…
just the last little ticks of nightmare…
But here you are,
nestled in blue…
in the surf and the sky
and the morning…
and all of those things I can’t do.
Here you are,
this crater of heartbeats
with the echo of yesterday’s screams:
“I’m getting better!”
The one damn thing you needed.
The one thing I did, too.
So did the world that forgot you were there…
showing it something,
Sometimes, I’m lost here,
just like you,
slicing the world
with a hot steel blade:
“I’m getting better!”
(from this, from them, from you)
to shove a kinder,
less merciless truth
into indifferent ears:
“I’m getting better!”
(from this, from them, from stuff you say… stuff you do)
I woke up abruptly today, after being stung in the chest, by a very large wasp.
It was a dream of course, but as I was trying to pull this wasp out of my skin… I felt panic. I don’t know how many people out there have dreams that really just elicit serious emotion, but this one for some reason continues to stay fresh in my mind.
For those of you who don’t know, I have a bee tattoo, because I LOVE bees. I know wasps aren’t the same, but honestly, I’ve never really had any qualms with them either. That said, it was just strange to have such an aggressive sign push its’ way into my subconscious.
Now, after waking from this dream I decided to use the interweb to find out what it may signify. What it said was, that it is a symbol of evil, hatred, or anger coming into your life. So, that’s terrifying. I’m choosing to believe the more optimistic sign that it could be, and that is, telling you to pursue your dreams. Pursue the thing that scares you, because if you don’t start you can never see where it goes. While this is something I’ve been talking about in previous posts, I’ll reiterate that I am currently unemployed, I have dreams to pursue my own business, rather than go back to the restaurant industry. The problem is, I have anxiety, I have doubts about myself, and my value.
I’m sure many of you may feel similarly, but it’s just such a shitty feeling. It’s shitty to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, with your own mind, etc. I want to truly embrace everything that I am, without the fear of others judgement, or disapproval. I want to pursue art, and passion, and love of life. In today’s society that’s such a difficult concept, it feels as though everything is pushing away from the individual, and leading to a conglomerate of money, power, and greed. That may be how it has always been, human nature is a bitch after all, but I want to push humbly forward, meeting myself somewhere, where I can be helpful, successful, and proud.
There’s my rant for today, my talk about mental health issues, about scary dreams, and about life. Thanks for reading.