Doodling: Day 2

I must confess, day 2 of my self administered doodling challenge didn’t go great. I found it difficult to draw anything new, I didn’t quite enjoy what I was doodling. So, I went back to my best friend, lines and circles. Which I like to call, alien language… It sounds cooler that way, right? So day 2, was also a day for me to work on other creative things, and cook one of my favorite fall meals. I did all that but, also found myself in a serious funk. I guess all there is to do, is keep keeping on.

Thanks for stopping by!

Butternut Squash and Chickpea curry soup. Served over rice, with a bed of spinach and Sriracha drizzled on top.

YUM!

Expecting Change

Is it naive to expect a life-altering change when you don’t have a plan?

I guess it seems to me that life throws things at you when you least expect it, right? I never usually give myself the time necessary, I never wait. Now, in this uncertain place, I have been taking the time.

It feels as though nothing is coming my way. I wonder if it has something to do with manifesting ideas into action, and neglecting to pursue the ‘safe option’. I understand that hard-work is mandatory in our lives, in succeeding, but, I find myself working hard on potentially all of the wrong things. There are some positives to take away from this time off, and to be honest, my mental health has been going pretty well. I have been more creative, more hopeful. On the other side of that though, I have been more unsure, and confused.

What should I expect from what I am pursuing?

It’s obvious I’ve been pursuing more creative fields, I’ve been working on a lot of things I enjoy. Coming around to the fact, the things I enjoy don’t bring me sustainability. I absolutely hate that money is what keeps the world turning. I hate that status = money, and money = power. I have no desire to increase my value monetarily, but unfortunately we are all forced to pursue it. I have long-term goals, things that require the proper funds. I want to travel, I want to buy land and start an animal sanctuary some day, I want to learn to build sustainable housing, etc.

Asking the proper questions is difficult, albeit impossible, due to the sheer volume of necessary questions. There is no possible way to ask them all at once.

Right now I have a few at the forefront of my mind. One of them being, what is most important? Is my mental health more important than making a steady paycheck? If so, how am I going to reach my long-term goals? I think these questions are probably going through everyone’s mind at certain points of their life. I think everyone has good reason to ask these questions regularly, but what about the answers? I’m not sure we are meant to get them, rather than, embrace the question itself?

Reflecting on the past

While I agree that it doesn’t help to dwell on the past, I’ve found that looking through old journals really helps with developing new ideas, and understanding how you’ve felt in the past. I took the time today to go through some old notebooks and find some entries that elicited emotion. Below, I’ll share from a journal I kept through the summer of 2019, so over a year ago, in the hopes that it will give some insight into my current journey.

When will I grow up, and stop living in daydreams and idle fantasies.

Stubbornly feigning indifference, while bearing the weight of worlds.

These were placed on the inside cover of my notebook along with a poem I chose not to share. I have learned through these passages, I have come to recognize pieces of myself, pieces that I still struggle with, but in some ways have come to love. I dream. I question. I feel deeply.

Wander exceptionally far away from what you know, only there will you find yourself.

This one is still relevant to me today. All of my goals lead to a time where I am able to wander. A time, that will give me the freedom to experience, to learn, and to find myself.

Note to Self:

In order to find _______ .

Adventure is inherently important. Nothing else matters. Finding magic means taking the necessary leap.

Be free, create the world you dream of.

Make your ideal reality.

Here I am, over a year ago, searching, yet not knowing what it is I’m looking for. My mind during this time was similar to what it is now, I still yearn for a sense of freedom that I haven’t found. However, I have come to understand the importance of so many other things. I have come to understand the importance of connection, of family, and of being vulnerable enough to let people in.

Small City

Heightened awareness of status in a bourgeois sense.

Finally finished with college degrees, shopping for polos and pleated skirts.

Waiting eagerly for the chance to wear them to new jobs, holding themselves in a higher esteem than they truly should.

False confidence emitted in hazardous waves.

Unappreciated and well despised by those who walk the streets in rags, by those who have seen cruelty and misfortune in this little city.

Now, this piece holds some true anger. I remember the day I wrote this, I was at a stoplight in the city that I was working in. I was watching people walk by, holding their shopping bags from ritzy stores. At this same crosswalk I saw others walking by, dirty and tired, carrying everything they owned on their backs. It was a long day at work, and I had befriended some of the people that were carrying everything they owned on their backs. I felt for them, for their misfortune, and most of all for how misunderstood they are. I still think that everyone who has the privilege of new things, a hot meal, and a place to sleep, should take the time to get to know, and potentially help, someone less fortunate. However, I no longer feel that I can immediately condemn or judge those who do have more.

Nothing feels familiar, and everything is out of place. Lost in a cascade of emotions, never seeming to make sense. It has taken a long while to understand, and here you are, still looking at some unknown land, with a language that eludes you. It was once your vernacular, and yet, it is foreign.

This passage to me, was all of my feelings of disconnect, of uncertainty. Wondering where to turn, who would listen, who would care. This is still something I struggle with, connection for some reason feels so important, yet so scarce.

I guess this blog is an embodiment of my yearning for similarities in such a vast world. This is a place for me to be me, completely honest and open, forgetting all of the time I spent burying my thoughts. It’s also about gaining the confidence to share passages like these. I hope, if you’ve taken the time to read these, that you can gain something too.

One Little Room

Where all life’s experience exists

Every true genuine feeling is felt 

In one little room

 

To say whether it’s negative or positive 

Is not up to me 

 

Clearly I’ve lost you 

But then again you aren’t here

And whether or not that’s important

I don’t know

 

Maybe somehow I enjoy this space

The excuse for isolation 

Somehow consoling 

 

Here there is no pressure

Everyone is shut away 

Perfect

 

Until somehow it isn’t 

Being with yourself too long is somehow

worse?

 

Not every moment is terrible

Being alone is not always, lonely

Sometimes it’s just thinking

Feeling and Being too 

 

There is a melancholic comfort 

In being alone

No Pressure

no need to convey my thinking 

 

But then there’s ‘you’

Forcing me to acknowledge my discomfort, and discontent

Noticing my craving for connection

Wanting to escape this little room

 

You’ll show me how, won’t you?

Focused

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Tap. 

Rushing around in a world flowing by. Yet never really moving.

Contradiction and chaos, finding where the next ‘thing’ may land. 

Wondering if it will ever fall.

If it does, will it plummet to the earth like a meteor finding our atmosphere? 

Will the momentum be strong and fast, hurdling life into a new unknown? 

Or is this thing, this experience, this life, moving all alone?

No force, no gravity.

Just floating around, hovering about, waiting to be recognized and seen.

Hoping to be pulled down and guided through.

The Shoe Box apartment complex

The world is seen through a hole in a shoebox.
All of these little fully functional, all included shoe boxes, with an oven that is guaranteed to have cooked meth at one point, and is certainly through on its’ warranty. A bathtub designed to fill up with black sludge when it decides to rain. Lights that flicker and outlets that don’t work. 

Let’s not forget the constant movement of all of the other shoebox villagers so close and near to your home, invading privacy with no intent to do so. All the noise and chatter heard at all hours not like a symphony but like the script for a play about gang violence and income inequality. This is what I know, it’s something I’m used to. Yet, I still feel as uncomfortable in my own home as I always have. This isn’t home, it’s not where my heart is. It’s just another little stack of lives, and families, and human beings all crunched together and trying to live the life that they feel they deserve. 

And how the world is full of these shoebox complexes, some are shinier I’m sure, and some are far more tattered but yet they all seem to me to be the same. I’m cramped and claustrophobic and I long for a place much more my own. A place to feel safe, to feel connected to my own version of the world, a place to think and feel and breath without the buzzing of this little human ecosystem all around me. 

How do we live like this?

….. I wish I knew what to say.

What is this chaos, injustice, misinformation, misuse of power. How has our world gotten so corrupt, so lost in toxicity and hate.

I wish I knew what to say.

I’m at a loss for words, because there is no perfect word for what I am feeling.

Outraged, Disappointed, Depressed, Confused, Lost.

We need to welcome positive change, we need to band together as human beings, people all living on the same planet, all with one real, true, need. Life.

Figuring out life, Why you shouldn’t try it.

Being young and naive, it is easy for me to fall into the mind altering trap that is, ‘figuring your shit out’. However, this has recently led me into a loop of thoughts that create unwarranted anxiety in my person. Which is…. frustrating, to say the least. A lot has been changing lately, and we have all been forced to think, on our own, a lot. Which again, can get maddening. I’ve come to the conclusion, that even though, we as humans are predisposed to think ahead, there are reasons not to think too much about what we should be doing and how we should be doing it.

Life is a rollercoaster, ups and downs, and spin arounds. Having an idea of your ideal is important. If there isn’t a vision there isn’t anything to achieve. The notion of having ‘your shit together’ or ‘it all figured out’, is merely a misconception in and of itself. One that after being repeated throughout your life over and over again, just becomes more daunting, and chalked full of negative stress. My point is, that we all have a life to live, one life to be exact, and even though having a purpose and goals gives us a positive sense of self, it can also lead to lots and lots of lost time. I think most of us spend more time thinking about what’s next, rather than enjoying the current state of things. My goal from now on is to take extra care in remembering that, although I have goals and am excited to reach them, I still experience joy and contentedness in specific moments each day. Taking extra care in feeling and experiencing those moments is something that I look forward to. Reading a good book, enjoying a beautiful day, hiking, swimming, companionship. All of the things we so obviously take for granted in our day to day lives. Here’s to being a human, a human being, one that is excited for the future. Even though I don’t have it all figured out.

Thanks for Listening

 

Quarantine Bliss-ter

So this level of quarantining has been overwhelming to say the least. Now the world will be slowly moving again. I have definitely taken for granted some of the great things that have come out of this forced stagnancy. I have had TIME, for once since starting my adult life I have had time to go outside, draw, create, and learn. While I can’t say I have taken full advantage of this period of forced unemployment. I can say it has been enlightening, unfortunately it is only now, when everything is returning to normal. That I, am truly able to feel the bliss that comes with all of this time. I am excited though, to implement new daily rituals, rituals that I hope, will make the most of MY time. The possession of such a precious thing has gone unnoticed too long. There are so many things to do and enjoy and learn. Why we waste so much, I have no idea. I am guilty of binge watching a tv show for a full day, I am guilty of wasting, probably more than most. However, I notice the guilt, feel it, in all of its harsh reality. Time is a finite source for us, all of us moving around the globe. Time, or the lack there of, is something that we fear. And while fear can be a motivator, it isn’t the one I think we should be focusing on. It takes out enjoyment, it introduces too much complexity in our minds. When there is already so much complexity apart from ourselves, that is just begging to be noticed. It’s yet another thing I think we all take for granted. Don’t forget the feeling of time, don’t let time passing scare you, just make sure you spend it wisely.

Thanks for listening.