Being young and naive, it is easy for me to fall into the mind altering trap that is, ‘figuring your shit out’. However, this has recently led me into a loop of thoughts that create unwarranted anxiety in my person. Which is…. frustrating, to say the least. A lot has been changing lately, and we have all been forced to think, on our own, a lot. Which again, can get maddening. I’ve come to the conclusion, that even though, we as humans are predisposed to think ahead, there are reasons not to think too much about what we should be doing and how we should be doing it.
Life is a rollercoaster, ups and downs, and spin arounds. Having an idea of your ideal is important. If there isn’t a vision there isn’t anything to achieve. The notion of having ‘your shit together’ or ‘it all figured out’, is merely a misconception in and of itself. One that after being repeated throughout your life over and over again, just becomes more daunting, and chalked full of negative stress. My point is, that we all have a life to live, one life to be exact, and even though having a purpose and goals gives us a positive sense of self, it can also lead to lots and lots of lost time. I think most of us spend more time thinking about what’s next, rather than enjoying the current state of things. My goal from now on is to take extra care in remembering that, although I have goals and am excited to reach them, I still experience joy and contentedness in specific moments each day. Taking extra care in feeling and experiencing those moments is something that I look forward to. Reading a good book, enjoying a beautiful day, hiking, swimming, companionship. All of the things we so obviously take for granted in our day to day lives. Here’s to being a human, a human being, one that is excited for the future. Even though I don’t have it all figured out.
Thanks for Listening
So this level of quarantining has been overwhelming to say the least. Now the world will be slowly moving again. I have definitely taken for granted some of the great things that have come out of this forced stagnancy. I have had TIME, for once since starting my adult life I have had time to go outside, draw, create, and learn. While I can’t say I have taken full advantage of this period of forced unemployment. I can say it has been enlightening, unfortunately it is only now, when everything is returning to normal. That I, am truly able to feel the bliss that comes with all of this time. I am excited though, to implement new daily rituals, rituals that I hope, will make the most of MY time. The possession of such a precious thing has gone unnoticed too long. There are so many things to do and enjoy and learn. Why we waste so much, I have no idea. I am guilty of binge watching a tv show for a full day, I am guilty of wasting, probably more than most. However, I notice the guilt, feel it, in all of its harsh reality. Time is a finite source for us, all of us moving around the globe. Time, or the lack there of, is something that we fear. And while fear can be a motivator, it isn’t the one I think we should be focusing on. It takes out enjoyment, it introduces too much complexity in our minds. When there is already so much complexity apart from ourselves, that is just begging to be noticed. It’s yet another thing I think we all take for granted. Don’t forget the feeling of time, don’t let time passing scare you, just make sure you spend it wisely.
Thanks for listening.
It seems to be all I talk about right? Contemplating normalcy, my own day to day existence. Wishing, and hoping for more to come, a break from all the normal I seem to be drowning in. Times like this are the ones that are the worst for my self worth. I start to feel as though I’ve come back to square one, again, for the umpteenth time, I am here. Wracking my brain for options and yet my mind is blank. Here I sit, taking down all of my woes in writing, continuing to be unheard and unseen for the weirdo that I am. All of this because I can’t seem to find my escape, and let me tell you, going nowhere is the difficult part. Going nowhere is more terrifying than anything else, because in going nowhere you know you will be trapped in the normalcy forever. All the years of being misunderstood, under appreciated, and frankly just ignored. All those years will come to mean nothing except more of the same. More of feeling voiceless, feeling lonely, feeling tired of it all. So here, I come back to talk about square one, talk about all of the daily normal that drowns out the individual voice, the cries are loud, maybe someday people will actually listen to them. In listening to them, maybe they will hear their own echos of the same feelings. I know breaking the mold is intimidating, but I know that we are better off breaking the mold together.
As much as I rant and rave about everyone being valuable in their uniqueness, I spend an awful lot of time questioning my own value. Questioning whether or not I will matter. Like I said in my last post, I question whether or not there is room for my success. I somehow forget to consider my own views on the importance of being unique, when considering myself. I wonder if self doubt is really just forgetting that we are unique individuals as well. Forgetting that we have a unique perspective to offer. I think that the view we have of ourselves is always skewed towards the negative. I allow myself to get so lost in the negative, and I doubt so much that my individualism gets lost in my own head. A place where it goes through endless critiquing and never leaves. It’s a lot for someone like me, to accept that I am worthy of being seen. That anyone will care what I have to say… Regardless I’m starting to realize that I have to say it. I have to be unapologetically me. I have to stop doubting myself and accept who I am, I have to be enough for me. After that, it doesn’t matter who else thinks I’m good enough.
This may just seem like the anxiety ridden ravings of a young adult, but isn’t it what we are all thinking? I know we are constantly told that the opportunities for success are endless in this giant world. However, does it ever seem clear? We can see success, more specifically, we can watch others succeed. When it comes to ourselves though, all we can see is where we are now, we can imagine an ideal, we can even come up with a plan. It doesn’t mean though that success is imminent, it doesn’t mean we have life all figured out, and it certainly doesn’t mean we won’t fail.
The fear of failure, now that’s certainly something I am incredibly uncomfortable contemplating. When falling down that rabbit hole of a thought process, it’s important to remember that everyone starts somewhere, I’ve read enough self-help books to know what you should be thinking. It’s just that, that isn’t the natural process of thought for someone as anxious as I am when it comes to facing my own shortcomings and failures. The clock ticks loudly in my mind, it’s a bit of a mind fuck to feel like you’re constantly running at top speed, trying to get to some sort of finish line, only to find out that the finish line hasn’t even been crested yet. Your own version of reality is still as unclear as it was when you first started running. I see what I want though, I see it, I’m terrified of the possibility of complete failure. I’m scared that there isn’t any room for me to succeed in this crowded world. Other people are louder than me, they’re more willing to take risks, and they are better than me in so many ways. All of this still to say, that maybe it is time for me to take a risk. I may not succeed, and that idea is still just as terrifying as ever. If I decide to let my fear control me any longer though, I may drown in my own self pity. I wish someone had a clear answer, I wish someone could tell me exactly what to do to make sure everything turns out alright. Obviously, that is unrealistic, so I hope the opportunity to make the leap comes soon. With or without a life jacket, I am ready to find where life takes me, now that I finally want to live it.
Onto the newest idea, dream, journey. After constant pondering into what it is that makes me dissatisfied with the current state of life, I have decided it’s time to consider the possibility that the only thing holding me back is myself. The societal notion that there is only one way to live is ludicrous and simply not true. My average Joe job, my schedule that is constantly controlled by others, my lack of freedom. All of it has been created and reinforced by myself and societal norms. So, where do I go from here? What do I do?
I’m going to think, plan, and create the version of life that I so desperately strive for. It isn’t impossible to travel, to live, and to create an existence that you love all on your own. Throwing what I’ve been told is realistic out the window, I’m officially ready to crush any expectations others may have, I’m ready to start fresh with only one thing in mind. My life is my own creation and nothing is impossible. I will continue to work hard and get through each day, UNTIL getting through isn’t what the day is about. My life will be full of adventure, and it will someday be exactly what I dream of now.
This is a declaration to myself, I know I can accomplish much when I put my mind to it, and I know you all can too.
Work, home, repeat. Leaving our minds behind and letting ourselves fall into a cycle of torment. Dealing with asshole bosses, rude customers, unruly coworkers, lewd comments, etc. Here we are trapped, with no end in site. You have to pay the bills don’t you? You have to keep moving in order to keep food on the table, and yet you are miserable the whole. Entire. Time. You think and think, what’s the solution, how do you get out of here. Planning and planning relentlessly, memorizing your most likely escape route. Yet, it still feels like you aren’t doing enough, nothing impactful is happening and you just feel screwed. Like the whole world was built to hurt, to degrade, to destroy. To take away hope, and love, and control. It’s a depressing reality that you just can’t except, so you try again, memorize a new escape, try so hard to figure out a way to get out quickly because everyday you are stuck in this cycle is another day that you feel closer to loosing who you are.
I’m frustrated, I’m lost, I’m miserable. I need something to let up, I can’t keep going from job to job that makes me feel worthless. I have a working mind, I have a million thoughts a minute and they’re all telling me that I need to find a way out. But, the pressure is too much, there is no easy escape. Hell, there isn’t even a guaranteed escape. The rest of my life could look exactly like this and if that isn’t terrifying I don’t know what is.