It seems to be all I talk about right? Contemplating normalcy, my own day to day existence. Wishing, and hoping for more to come, a break from all the normal I seem to be drowning in. Times like this are the ones that are the worst for my self worth. I start to feel as though I’ve come back to square one, again, for the umpteenth time, I am here. Wracking my brain for options and yet my mind is blank. Here I sit, taking down all of my woes in writing, continuing to be unheard and unseen for the weirdo that I am. All of this because I can’t seem to find my escape, and let me tell you, going nowhere is the difficult part. Going nowhere is more terrifying than anything else, because in going nowhere you know you will be trapped in the normalcy forever. All the years of being misunderstood, under appreciated, and frankly just ignored. All those years will come to mean nothing except more of the same. More of feeling voiceless, feeling lonely, feeling tired of it all. So here, I come back to talk about square one, talk about all of the daily normal that drowns out the individual voice, the cries are loud, maybe someday people will actually listen to them. In listening to them, maybe they will hear their own echos of the same feelings. I know breaking the mold is intimidating, but I know that we are better off breaking the mold together.
As much as I rant and rave about everyone being valuable in their uniqueness, I spend an awful lot of time questioning my own value. Questioning whether or not I will matter. Like I said in my last post, I question whether or not there is room for my success. I somehow forget to consider my own views on the importance of being unique, when considering myself. I wonder if self doubt is really just forgetting that we are unique individuals as well. Forgetting that we have a unique perspective to offer. I think that the view we have of ourselves is always skewed towards the negative. I allow myself to get so lost in the negative, and I doubt so much that my individualism gets lost in my own head. A place where it goes through endless critiquing and never leaves. It’s a lot for someone like me, to accept that I am worthy of being seen. That anyone will care what I have to say… Regardless I’m starting to realize that I have to say it. I have to be unapologetically me. I have to stop doubting myself and accept who I am, I have to be enough for me. After that, it doesn’t matter who else thinks I’m good enough.
This may just seem like the anxiety ridden ravings of a young adult, but isn’t it what we are all thinking? I know we are constantly told that the opportunities for success are endless in this giant world. However, does it ever seem clear? We can see success, more specifically, we can watch others succeed. When it comes to ourselves though, all we can see is where we are now, we can imagine an ideal, we can even come up with a plan. It doesn’t mean though that success is imminent, it doesn’t mean we have life all figured out, and it certainly doesn’t mean we won’t fail.
The fear of failure, now that’s certainly something I am incredibly uncomfortable contemplating. When falling down that rabbit hole of a thought process, it’s important to remember that everyone starts somewhere, I’ve read enough self-help books to know what you should be thinking. It’s just that, that isn’t the natural process of thought for someone as anxious as I am when it comes to facing my own shortcomings and failures. The clock ticks loudly in my mind, it’s a bit of a mind fuck to feel like you’re constantly running at top speed, trying to get to some sort of finish line, only to find out that the finish line hasn’t even been crested yet. Your own version of reality is still as unclear as it was when you first started running. I see what I want though, I see it, I’m terrified of the possibility of complete failure. I’m scared that there isn’t any room for me to succeed in this crowded world. Other people are louder than me, they’re more willing to take risks, and they are better than me in so many ways. All of this still to say, that maybe it is time for me to take a risk. I may not succeed, and that idea is still just as terrifying as ever. If I decide to let my fear control me any longer though, I may drown in my own self pity. I wish someone had a clear answer, I wish someone could tell me exactly what to do to make sure everything turns out alright. Obviously, that is unrealistic, so I hope the opportunity to make the leap comes soon. With or without a life jacket, I am ready to find where life takes me, now that I finally want to live it.
Onto the newest idea, dream, journey. After constant pondering into what it is that makes me dissatisfied with the current state of life, I have decided it’s time to consider the possibility that the only thing holding me back is myself. The societal notion that there is only one way to live is ludicrous and simply not true. My average Joe job, my schedule that is constantly controlled by others, my lack of freedom. All of it has been created and reinforced by myself and societal norms. So, where do I go from here? What do I do?
I’m going to think, plan, and create the version of life that I so desperately strive for. It isn’t impossible to travel, to live, and to create an existence that you love all on your own. Throwing what I’ve been told is realistic out the window, I’m officially ready to crush any expectations others may have, I’m ready to start fresh with only one thing in mind. My life is my own creation and nothing is impossible. I will continue to work hard and get through each day, UNTIL getting through isn’t what the day is about. My life will be full of adventure, and it will someday be exactly what I dream of now.
This is a declaration to myself, I know I can accomplish much when I put my mind to it, and I know you all can too.
Work, home, repeat. Leaving our minds behind and letting ourselves fall into a cycle of torment. Dealing with asshole bosses, rude customers, unruly coworkers, lewd comments, etc. Here we are trapped, with no end in site. You have to pay the bills don’t you? You have to keep moving in order to keep food on the table, and yet you are miserable the whole. Entire. Time. You think and think, what’s the solution, how do you get out of here. Planning and planning relentlessly, memorizing your most likely escape route. Yet, it still feels like you aren’t doing enough, nothing impactful is happening and you just feel screwed. Like the whole world was built to hurt, to degrade, to destroy. To take away hope, and love, and control. It’s a depressing reality that you just can’t except, so you try again, memorize a new escape, try so hard to figure out a way to get out quickly because everyday you are stuck in this cycle is another day that you feel closer to loosing who you are.
I’m frustrated, I’m lost, I’m miserable. I need something to let up, I can’t keep going from job to job that makes me feel worthless. I have a working mind, I have a million thoughts a minute and they’re all telling me that I need to find a way out. But, the pressure is too much, there is no easy escape. Hell, there isn’t even a guaranteed escape. The rest of my life could look exactly like this and if that isn’t terrifying I don’t know what is.
My mind is off dreaming, imagining a world where I’m happy. Not just happy in certain moments, but happy most of the time. I get to do the things that I enjoy, I don’t have to waste countless hours making money just to survive. I can live, truly live without all of the bullshit. What an imagination I have, right? The reality is much more cruel, is much less idealistic and optimistic. The real world feels as though it’s designed to destroy any of the dreams I have. I keep moving, I keep trying, but things don’t seem to change at all. None of my ideas and dreams are any closer to fruition and I only have myself to blame. I blame myself for not knowing, not understanding, not finding a way. I blame myself for not being enough, not doing enough. Then again, where do I even start. To gain success you need to understand the system you are working with, and I’m not sure I will ever understand this. This life that we are ‘meant’ to lead, this boring, uninspiring, life that gets shoved down our throats. I’m exhausted, the boredom is utterly exhausting and I just wish things were different. Everyone knows though that wishes almost never come true, everyone knows that life is what it is, and there is only so much one person can do to change it. All I’m saying is that somehow, I’m still here, unmoving, and uninspired, but trying to pick myself up, away from this life that I’m ‘meant’ to lead. How long will I be able to try without getting anywhere? When does it become too painful to dream? I feel as though things would be much easier sometimes if I could resign to who I’m meant to be.
Niche – denoting or relating to products, services, or interests that appeal to a small, specialized section of the population.
Why in society are we expected, or made, to find a niche? Why do we have to denote and specialize ourselves into a single section of the population? This is where many people run into issues, it’s where people lose certain aspects of themselves, or at least push certain interests, and joys to the back burner. In order to pursue a single portion of themselves, and hope that they will be accepted there. The truth is, I have spent a lot of time searching for my niche, my specialized area. I have come to some sort of conclusion, one that I don’t necessarily like. Alas, it’s who I am, and who I am is uncategorized. I have so many different things that I love, things that I want out of life. Figuring out how to make those things happen, and how to profit off of them is nearly impossible so far, in this journey. I love drawing, writing, thinking, learning. I love science, and nature, travel and reading. It’s silly to me that having too many interests is something that I have to worry about. Something that isolates me, in a niche filled world. With social media blowing up so much and becoming a platform that in many ways rules the world, where is there room for us? The people stubbornly refusing to categorize themselves, and in doing so being left to explore their many passions alone. It’s overwhelming to have so many things to delve into, I can understand why it’s more appealing to look at a profile with structure, a feed with aesthetic appeal, etc. However, when we scroll through these endless pages of people perfectly categorized and looking so happy while living in their niche bubble, it makes us feel even more lost. With an even larger need to be found, to fit somewhere. When we fail, it hurts even more, knowing that others have succeeded, and do succeed in finding where they fit all of the time. I know that I spent, and continue to spend, a lot of time contemplating where it is that I may fit in this technological generation, where anything seems possible. And yet, it seems impossibly difficult to get anywhere, to find success, to find happiness, and to truly be allowed to enjoy life. Can you honestly say that you have a specific category that you fit into? I simply can’t justify pushing anything to the back burner because all of these interests are what make me, me. And ALL of them should have a chance to be pursued, to be shown to the world. I am unwilling to disguise myself and not share those things about me just because it doesn’t fit into a category. Being “nicheless” is exhausting in a society that excels in grouping people together, for better or for worse.
Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.
It seems to me, that the two words above don’t pair well, it seems that if someone were described as a ‘creative rational’ you probably wouldn’t know what to think. The truth is neither do I. Yet here we are, all trying to find the perfect set of words to describe who we are, how we think, etc. In my search for the perfect definition of me, ‘creative rational’ are the two contradictory words that come up.
I spend a lot of time contemplating why I think a certain way, why I can’t seem to emit emotion without trying to find the perfect rationalization. The thing is feelings aren’t rational, hell people aren’t rational. We all live in chaos and incoherence, our daily lives aren’t as structured as we may think, and long term goals are rarely assured.
How difficult that is for someone with an overtly rational mind, how frightening emotions are, and how infrequently they are allowed to be acted upon. In every social interaction there’s a whirlwind of thoughts and calculations, what are my odds of making a genuine impression on someone? What do I say or do to make those odds higher? How do I build this interaction into a friendship? Really, how do I just finish this interaction without making a fool of myself? All of this thought is exhausting, draining, and unfortunately for me, fruitless.
Here I am, trying so hard to rip through all of the rationalizations and introspection, in order to share my real thoughts and emotions. Trying to share the things that, may make me strange to some, but makes me who I am. The funny thing is that no one has the desire or attention span to listen, to actually understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not that I can blame them, the world is moving a million miles an hour. In our individual lives, we all get caught up in the day to day, we all find comfort in what we know. I am no exception. It’s just that these two words contradict each other in many ways, my personality is a contradiction. I have yet to find a way to make peace between these two personality traits, these two sides. There seems to be a constant bickering between them. Which leaves me indecisive, and many times alone.
Being alone means less interaction, which means less emotion, which means less indecision. You see? It’s a simple, rational solution. It seems that in this war, rationality wins regularly. It does so frequently, except now, when I fearfully allow myself to say the things that I spend a lot of time contemplating. Not solely on the grounds that people will read it, but so I can say that I didn’t leave all these thoughts in a little box in the back of mind. If it’s read, then I went out on a limb, I was rebellious, I was creative, and I was me. If even only on a document on my computer. These thoughts and feelings and ideas aren’t only in my head, and if someone else feels the same then that’s even better. The silent war is the one in my head, and when I write, the side I don’t share in everyday life has won a battle. Creativity, individualism and progressive thought has won. I still don’t quite know what side I’m routing for, if either. However, I’m allowing both sides a shot, so a small victory has been made, in the war between creative and rational.
It may be hard finding yourself in one destination, especially when your heart is full of spontaneous dreams and adventure. It’s in the little adventures that we reignite our drive to keep moving. Sitting stagnant is a good way to become unfulfilled and uninterested in life.
I have been going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, due to a lack of time, and lack of adventure. It’s these little excursions from everyday life. that keep me focused and motivated. Reminding me of all of the crazy dreams and amazing adventures that I hope to make full time, all the time, and any time. They remind me that life can be spontaneous and exciting. Most importantly, they force me to look at how I am going to achieve my goals, and all of the things I have to do in order to make necessary changes and achieve sustained happiness.