Life goes on, doesn’t it? It feels as though life may not be moving at all. A combination of misleading opportunities and bad decisions, creates a unruly loop. It takes but a moment to recognize it and only one moment more to wish you had never come to this realization at all. Once these things become conscious, once the concepts become real, madness ensues. There’s a choice there, in deciding what to do about this knowledge. Just because you recognize the process, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an obvious or easy solution. It would be far simpler to continue the loop and keep going as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the thoughts and ideas don’t go away just because you wish they never existed. So, what to do? Where does life go from here? Living in a state of consciousness, knowing that the past will inevitably repeat itself, how do you make sure it doesn’t? What changes do you make to fix this cosmic anomaly? It seems unfair that these realizations come to you, drives you mad with questions. Mortality, mentality, clarity, just a few of the things that open themselves up to your contemplation. Purpose, spirituality, and intelligence, are but a few more. Exhausted and with no answers, where do you go? Living in the in-between, apart from reality but all too conscious of the bigger picture. The cycle that was not all too long ago recognized, has now changed many times. In some way though it stays eerily the same, and the more you contemplate the more you circle around. Finding yourself at the very place you started, wishing only for the opportunity to break free, but with no idea how. That answer being at the tip of your tongue, on the edge of your fingertips. The teasing nature of it all is deafening. Here, time goes on, and you recognize your own stillness.
It seems to me, that the two words above don’t pair well, it seems that if someone were described as a ‘creative rational’ you probably wouldn’t know what to think. The truth is neither do I. Yet here we are, all trying to find the perfect set of words to describe who we are, how we think, etc. In my search for the perfect definition of me, ‘creative rational’ are the two contradictory words that come up.
I spend a lot of time contemplating why I think a certain way, why I can’t seem to emit emotion without trying to find the perfect rationalization. The thing is feelings aren’t rational, hell people aren’t rational. We all live in chaos and incoherence, our daily lives aren’t as structured as we may think, and long term goals are rarely assured.
How difficult that is for someone with an overtly rational mind, how frightening emotions are, and how infrequently they are allowed to be acted upon. In every social interaction there’s a whirlwind of thoughts and calculations, what are my odds of making a genuine impression on someone? What do I say or do to make those odds higher? How do I build this interaction into a friendship? Really, how do I just finish this interaction without making a fool of myself? All of this thought is exhausting, draining, and unfortunately for me, fruitless.
Here I am, trying so hard to rip through all of the rationalizations and introspection, in order to share my real thoughts and emotions. Trying to share the things that, may make me strange to some, but makes me who I am. The funny thing is that no one has the desire or attention span to listen, to actually understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not that I can blame them, the world is moving a million miles an hour. In our individual lives, we all get caught up in the day to day, we all find comfort in what we know. I am no exception. It’s just that these two words contradict each other in many ways, my personality is a contradiction. I have yet to find a way to make peace between these two personality traits, these two sides. There seems to be a constant bickering between them. Which leaves me indecisive, and many times alone.
Being alone means less interaction, which means less emotion, which means less indecision. You see? It’s a simple, rational solution. It seems that in this war, rationality wins regularly. It does so frequently, except now, when I fearfully allow myself to say the things that I spend a lot of time contemplating. Not solely on the grounds that people will read it, but so I can say that I didn’t leave all these thoughts in a little box in the back of mind. If it’s read, then I went out on a limb, I was rebellious, I was creative, and I was me. If even only on a document on my computer. These thoughts and feelings and ideas aren’t only in my head, and if someone else feels the same then that’s even better. The silent war is the one in my head, and when I write, the side I don’t share in everyday life has won a battle. Creativity, individualism and progressive thought has won. I still don’t quite know what side I’m routing for, if either. However, I’m allowing both sides a shot, so a small victory has been made, in the war between creative and rational.
It may be hard finding yourself in one destination, especially when your heart is full of spontaneous dreams and adventure. It’s in the little adventures that we reignite our drive to keep moving. Sitting stagnant is a good way to become unfulfilled and uninterested in life.
I have been going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, due to a lack of time, and lack of adventure. It’s these little excursions from everyday life. that keep me focused and motivated. Reminding me of all of the crazy dreams and amazing adventures that I hope to make full time, all the time, and any time. They remind me that life can be spontaneous and exciting. Most importantly, they force me to look at how I am going to achieve my goals, and all of the things I have to do in order to make necessary changes and achieve sustained happiness.
Loneliness is not a punishment, but a necessary realization. Loneliness is meant to push you to believe in yourself, to understand that you are the only one who will ever be able to conquer your own reality. It’s unfortunate that loneliness is skewed, and demonized, so that anyone who feels alone, feels the instant need to fix it. Here in this time of loneliness, there is nothing for others to fix. Human beings may be social creatures, but the truths that you long to find are hidden within your own mind. Right now there is an incredibly important decision to make, will you demonize loneliness, or will you take the gift of human consciousness in stride? The ability to breath is one thing, the ability to create independent thought is something completely separate. It may not be easy to delve into yourself with no remorse, it may be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever choose to do. It may not seem like it now, but loneliness is a choice, loneliness is choosing individuality over the masses. It’s choosing to believe in the independence you were blessed with. Use your mind wisely, I’m willing to beg and plead in this age of mass media, of convenience, and of comfort, because individuality is lost here. No one chooses to take control of their own gifts, of their own thoughts. So here I am willing to beg and plead, choose the more difficult path, choose thought, choose reflection, choose to be your own living, breathing, thought provoking person. Don’t let the negativity around being alone give you a reason to conform to an ideal that may not exist, that may not lead to your individual happiness. Happiness is not achieved through the same means for any two people, and when that realization finally reaches you, you will be glad that you chose to be lonely temporarily. True connection is achieved after owning your individuality, your expression. Your amazingly unique self is meant to be expressed, meant to be known, flaunted even. It is amazing that so few recognize the importance of owning who you are. It isn’t following societal rules, it isn’t marching to the band, it isn’t being one of many that creates change. It is each person being recognized, sharing inherently different ideas, and different concepts of ideal that creates a new concept of what life is, and what life can be. Loneliness ultimately, is not being alone, loneliness is lacking inspiring conversation, lacking introspective thought, and ultimately lacking true connection. So when will you choose you, and stop allowing loneliness to shadow your individualism?
The weight of the world is so apparent now. There’s so much to discover and so little time to explore. Time gets taken up so quickly in this society, that is constantly in motion. Right now the sky is grey and the air, thick. It’s been a long time since the air has felt like this. My head is pounding, and the air, so claustrophobic. All of my fears about this life are making way to the front of my thoughts, ready to come out of their darkness and suffocate my mind, while the thick, wet air creeps into my lungs. Fear takes control of me, brings me to a place I try my damnedest not to go. I fear complacency, I fear ignorance, most of all I fear time. The clock ticks loudly in my head. I may be young, that doesn’t mean I have forever to waste. The routine I’ve become accustomed to is all wrong. It is ever apparent now, I feel the clock tick, the rest of the world moves while I stand still. I wonder if anyone else feels this way on overcast days, forced into a time of reflection and contemplation. Even though I have come to realize these days are necessary, they still feel cruel. Here I am living the life I once told myself I would avoid at all costs. How would I change it, how would I escape successfully? When would I be able to leave this behind? God knows I am itching to. I’ve been walking through daily life without happiness and haven’t even realized it. Until now. The little weekly adventures have been enough to keep me complacent. The reality that there are responsibilities in being a living, breathing, person, are obvious. And still, the only thing that I can think is why? Why do these responsibilities have to suck the happiness out of living? I know somewhere in my head, heart, and soul, that it doesn’t have to be this way. However, here and now, on this overcast day, the weight of my existence, the weight of my happiness, and knowing that it isn’t being achieved, is ever apparent. The determination to keep trying is for tomorrow, today I allow the fear, and sadness to come to the front of my mind. This day is a reminder that I still have so much to fight for, true happiness is achievable in the most innocent and pure way.
Here’s to refusing to admit defeat.
Feet will meet the ground only when you are willing to stand up. For a naive young traveler, this is the belief that drives them. Putting foot to ground, standing alone in a sea of confused and ignorant men. They hold their own path and put one foot in front of the other. Cradling something much more profound than mediocrity in their hands, desiring more and living for less. Materialism is not for the wanderer, it is not physical things that captivate their being, and possess their soul. It may seem self-righteous, or condescending, the path which these travelers take.
Seeming to be, and being are two very different things. The ideas and opinions you may have are held in your own right. However, these preconceived notions may blind you from the truth. The undeniable truth that these people, these wanderers, who stray away from the path set out for them are not better than anyone else, and I’m sure will never claim to be. There is simply a wall that they have been unable to tear down. One that keeps them from gaining human connection but allows them to see the impossibility of the world. To see every beautiful landscape, every sunny day, every tree, flower, or clover as something more than it’s appearance. The wheels are turning, the world is moving in some amazing way and it seems as though most people miss it. I feel it’s a shame that people are unable, or refuse to, grasp the magnitude of everything around them. Everything that has been untouched by human hands is tossed aside, where it should be celebrated, loved, and cared for. It should be cherished more than anything else. We live and breath the processes happening all around us, yet we show it no respect, no gratitude. All the secrets of creation lie within these landscapes, these ecosystems, these living things. Have most of us forgotten that they live and breath? It may be different than that of people, but does that make them less important, or more? The young, and possibly naive wanderer thinks of these things, and even more so feels them. The mysticism and magic of nature can not and will not escape them. It may set them apart, it may ostracize them from people who feel or think differently. Some may even call them strange, deranged, or moronic. The wanderer may feel that way without being told they are, simply because it is difficult to stand away from the crowd, to think and feel so fiercely oppositional to the rest of the ever growing civilized world. To stray from the normal, is to open yourself up to the extraordinary, it is allowing yourself to think, feel, and act on your true desires and passions. To become the person who could quite possibly find happiness, a happiness uninhabited by fear, by the urge to fit in, by the need to be valuable in a society that does not value you. You must put value in your individualism, in your capacity to think and feel so deeply for something outside yourself.
The weeping wanderer is the captive, the wanderer that has left their dreams behind in order to conform to a standard not meant for them. The naive young traveler has put foot to ground, and may be standing alone, but has a fire in their belly, and has put all notions of normalcy behind them. Hopeful for adventure, for freedom, and entranced by the natural world around them.
Naivety gets the best of you and for once things seem clear. What a joke it is to think you have life all figured out. Life is NOT meant to be easy, life IS meant to confuse you. It will never be clear or easy, that is also the beauty of our world. It may be the most infuriating aspect of your experience on this inexplainable planet. It is continuous. Saying that you’ve had enough does not squalor the world and it’s evolution around you and your soul. This evolution, this constant motion may cause nausea, it may cause pain, and it may cause an onset of intense emotion that you neither want nor expect. Regardless of all of these things this world has an expectation, it has an idea. This world wants, in the most unrelenting way, for you to live, to experience, and to strive. The wants and hopes of this world are what drive you to do and whether you take that for granted, whether you let that glimmer of purity push you forward, that is up to you. The responsibility and weight of that idea is overwhelming. It’s not only overwhelming, it is also hard for the conscious mind to believe, to have faith in. Take a step back and allow yourself to let go of all of the thoughts that crowd your mind, allow yourself to let go of society, of life outside of YOU. It’s funny that it is something that takes so much consideration, just to think of yourself for one moment. To stop all of the constant chatter that controls what you do and how you think. It isn’t important now, it isn’t important ever. We all have an incredible, amazing, and perfect life to lead, yet we allow ourselves to be caught up in the outside noise, in the seemingly inescapable loudness that surrounds us. Everyone here, caught up in this commotion, has a place. It is a matter of letting all of the outward sound go, it’s a matter of digging. It may be seen as selfish to choose to look that far into who you are meant to be, it may be seen as something to avoid, something to be afraid of. You have the glorious and ultimately freeing choice to continue on a path that revolves around you. It’s when you take yourself into consideration that you can find out how to not only except, but help others, build connections, and be the most productive and happy you.
Childish dreams and embracing imagination, you’re living in an alternate reality, boy. Don’t you just love the excitement, the freedom. You are your own Robin Hood, if only for now. If only for a few moments, embrace your dreams, live your fantasies because poor little Robin Hood, this world is not a place for you. This world, it persuades you to throw away a life of adventure. The subtle manipulation is something that you won’t even recognize. You are slowly taken away from whittling arrows, and hiding at the very tops of trees, waiting to loot corrupt nobleman coming through in horse drawn carriages. Slowly you are led to believe that these notions of adventure, selflessness, and justice, are but thoughts of an impressionable child. It’s a sad day, young Robin. There was so much potential in the things that many perceived as naive. Your transformation into adulthood should not be this way, the sacrifice is too much.
To think that it wasn’t even a conscious choice to leave your life of exploration and escapade behind. To think that your heart of gold, your leadership and your heroism was not cherished and honored by the world around you is disenchanting to say the least. You, dear Robin, have lost your way over time, you have been altered to the liking of a force outside of your control. There was once a flame burning behind your vibrant eyes, a sense of purpose that once seemed indestructible. You did not choose this reformation, you did not run away from your childhood musings. The common convention in this world is loud, the majority here has lost their vision of anything more than ordinary. It was a long time ago when the weight of this world pushed away the exceptional and made it seem unobtainable. Please remember Robin, please hold onto your heart of gold, your sense of justice, and your quest for truth. Just because being extraordinary may seem daunting, does not mean that you are unable to create your own reality. It does not take the majority to start a revolution, it takes one courageous and passionate little Robin to spark change.
Oh, how long you’ve gone without speaking. Years of trying to find the words for those thoughts that you hold so dear. Now, what is it that triggered this avalanche of emotion, of thought? What is this dictionary spilling from your heart, mind, and soul? How do you continue to translate everything onto paper so easily in these moments? You spent so long trying, but now you question whether or not it is something you wish to share. You’re mind works differently, darling. You had something that was completely your own because it had to be. You couldn’t share your side of the story, your side of life, because the words didn’t exist in your mind. Now that you are here, now that these words cascade out of your mind and into written form, what do you do? How do you adjust and what do you expect? Are you naive to assume that people will understand? It has been a long time coming, hasn’t it? It is this time, this chapter, that narrates the rest of your life. You have a choice now. All these words forming into coherent sentences that you never thought you’d have the ability to write, and you still wonder if it would be the right choice to allow other people in.
Doubt is ever present in this space, in this utter confusion that is swallowing your mind. Expression was not something that you thought you would achieve, it was a distant dream. You thought you would forever be unable to find words, to find a voice. You give all you have in this, you are now able to write who you are and what you feel, giving yourself completely to a page. It’s incomprehensible that you would ever do this, that you would ever have words that fall so freely, words that portray your mind so perfectly. It feels revealing, it feels as though your exposing your hidden reality. The possessiveness of it all is the most ironic, all that you thought you craved is now what makes you feel the most uncomfortable. For what felt like eternity all that you wanted was to be able to speak, to tell the world what it was that you thought made life so incredibly beautiful and exciting. All you have ever wanted is to change minds, open people up to a world that is exceptionally different than the lives we lead. Then, it was an idealistic fantasy. It may still be. You have the option now, darling. You could give your heart to others and hope, hope that there will be some reciprocation of feeling, of thought. Hope that your voice will encourage them to search for their own words, more importantly not to fear their words.
However, in broadcasting your idealistic dreams, you could also learn that your words mean nothing here, that humanity really has lost its’ heart and you stand alone. You know what loneliness feels like, and you’ve grown comfortable in that feeling. Reliance on yourself is easy, it’s relying on others that seems impossible. Faith is not something you find easily. You have had your time without speech, and you have spent a copious amount of your life listening, taking in every detail that you happened to notice. You’ve seen greed, self absorption, and ignorance. Is it conceded to feel this way? To feel as though the world revolves as you stand still, watching, listening, and then wondering? Contemplating whether or not anyone may feel the same as you?
There is an unending veil of questions that are shielding you from taking the leap, from having faith, and from allowing yourself to share the ideation that you hold so close. It is time to make a choice, the world is only getting louder. There is one last question to ask, my love. Will you continue listening, or do you have enough hope to share all of your overwhelming words?
All my life I’ve lacked connection, I’ve lacked communication, and I’ve bubbled away at the surface searching for the right words, what it is that I knew I needed to say but couldn’t. Needing to communicate my thoughts in a way that made sense to others. I would eventually go bonkers from the innate lack of connection.
It has taken me 19 years and I’m sure it will take me 19 more to finally be able to express who I am with words. How I take precious moments in and need to know if anyone else feels the same. If anyone else can take one moment and romanticize it, make it even more beautiful in your mind. Allow yourself to sit and see the details of all of the things around you and find yourself gasping as you take it in. It can be an amazing world if you look at things this way. It can be magical in an individualized sense that just baffles me.
When I was younger magic used to be all that I wanted to think about. In the worst way I wanted to be a superhero, a witch, or even a mermaid. I wanted to see ‘real’ magic…. getting disappointed time and time again, trying in vain to control water or move things with my mind. I got my hopes up every time. Thinking that I had to be different, I had to be special, there was no other explanation for why I had so few people who understood me. Now as I’ve grown, I come to see real magic, real light, and real life. Slowly but surely I’m finding my way into the woods, instead of trying so hard to get out. Running away from yourself is terribly painful and ridiculously unnecessary. I’ve spent all my time moving away from who I was and pushing thoughts aside, trying to be someone more ‘normal’. But, normal is a concept that doesn’t make sense in the world, in our world. Everyone has a different version of normal created in their own head and through their own lives. Who’s to say that any of us should strive to meet that standard, who’s to say that we aren’t all a little crazy, wasting time searching for normalcy. True happiness and freedom stem from a lack of normalcy, at least in my life it does. It may have taken a long time to learn all of the things that I write about now but I am so thankful that I have. I’m thankful for my thoughts, and my perspective. I wouldn’t want to be normal, not anymore. Now I continue to search for the magic in life, I find new awe inspiring moments every single day and for that I will always be grateful, always be proud, and always be eager for more.